Anger

This is anger. It is hot and strong and dark and scary. Anger is sad
as well as mad.

This is a left-hand (non-dominant hand) drawing.

Pondering today’s discussion

Pondering today's discussion, Friday, July 31, 2009


If I am driven, at least in part, by my desire to "please my father," who is dead, and if I have internalized my father as an inner father that I am still trying desperately to please, and if I somehow find healing with those inner selves so that I no longer feel driven to succeed at pleasing my inner father, will I lose the drive to create and succeed?  Or will it be possible to find some "middle ground," perhaps a more balanced and pleasant one? 

It frightens me to think I might lose my desire to create.

I have, perhaps, an overly active drive to be creative.  I could be happy to tone it down a little and live in a more balanced way.  But I don't want to LOSE it.

I have, on the one hand, a desire to be creative and a desire to succeed, BUT I also have something that stands in the way of my success—perhaps my ADHD or perhaps something deeper and more insidious.  I work on projects for years and often do not complete them.  I have many unfinished novels poetry manuscripts and art pieces.  I write first drafts of poems, revise them once or twice, and put them aside and rarely send them out.

What I would like is to have a more balanced approach to my creativity, instead of such a driven one.  I would like to work on one or two projects at a time and see them to completion and fruition and find a way to balance my "work" (writing and art etc) with family, chores, social life, pleasure, etc.

Right now, I have a tendency to neglect my chores when consumed with work.

I want to continue to work, but to do it in a more balanced and appropriate way.

I do want to heal.  I feel bad inside, and have for years.  I want, as the serenity prayer says, to have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  (Of course, really, I want to change all the bad things to good, but I do know that's not likely to happen.)

So yeah, I want to improve my relationship with my inner father.  But keep my creativity transformed in a balanced and appropriate way.

Voltaire

VOLTAIRE:
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

Many people hold onto a grudge because it offers the illusion of power
and a perverse feeling of security. But in fact, we are held hostage
by our anger. It is never too late to forgive. But you can forgive too
soon. I am especially wary of what I call "saintly forgiveness."
Premature forgiveness is common among people who avoid conflict.
They're afraid of their own anger and the anger of others. But their
forgiveness is false. Their anger goes underground. I define forgiving
as letting someone back into your heart. This returns us to a loving
state -- and not merely within the relationship -- we feel good about
ourselves and the world. True forgiveness isn't easy, but it
transforms us significantly. To forgive is to love and to feel worthy
of love. In that sense, it is always worthwhile.

Memories and Repcruussions 2

Memories and Repercussions

All my faces I burned at the your door, stepped
over your threshold blank as the first piece of paper
slid from a newly opened ream.  I fanned the ashes
of self into your dogwoods and lilacs, but they filtered
in through the poisoned earth to remind me who I was
before I met you. Those shadows, though immolated
in flames, still dance in dreams.  Every day a new face, old
as its tortured scars, blossoms from the blank visage
I donned for our wedding.  One by one, I claw
them off and they scuttle like rats under our bed
to screech and whine for my attention.  They interrupt
the soft touch of your hand on the curve of my hip
during the long wakeful hours as I listen, helplessly,
to their squabbling and pronouncements. So many
of them pile around our rooms, like wadded
and rejected drafts, that I can no longer find the unblemished
self I tried to give you. For your protection. And mine.
Nor can we find each other now among the heaps of drooling
faces, the raging masks that bury and drown us both.


Mary Stebbins Taitt
For K
090720-1254-2, 090720 1st

love first

In The Scarlet Letter, Hawthorne says:  "It is to the credit of human nature, that, except where its selfishness is brought into play, it loves more readily than it hates."

I love this quote and I think it's true that our first instinct is to love and be close, and only when circumstances push us away do we lose this.

Hawthorne goes on to say, "Hatred, by a gradual and quiet process, will even be transformed to love, unless the change be impeded by a continually new irritation of the original feeling of hostility."  I think the same can be said of forgiveness--that is, time and innate love can transform lack of forgiveness to forgiveness.  We can speed the process by choice and intention.

Separating forgiveness from condoning ...

Letting Out the Old Anger, by Mary Stebbins Taitt


Separating forgiveness from condoning the act

This is from a discussion I had with another blogger and I thought I'd share it here.

She said, "I cannot separate forgiveness and condoning the act that needs to be forgiven."

I said:

I think separating forgiveness from condoning the act is a crucial thought and act.

You can learn to forgive WITHOUT condoning the act that was wrong.

People are human and everyone, including you, makes mistakes, does bad things--right? I sure know I do.

We HAVE to be forgiven because we are all imperfect and we get tired and grumpy and all sort of things cause us to to do wrong.

Try saying to YOURSELF (at first) and then maybe to some safe other person, I forgive YOU even though what you did was wrong and hurtful. I do not erase the wrong, I do not forget the wrong, but choose to forgive, even if I have to do it over and over again, I will forgive you.

Whether or not ALL acts should be forgiven is a question. I think probably they should, but boy oh boy, some are pretty heinous. Start with easy things, maybe.

My first husband beat me--very badly, more than once, and was abusive in other ways. He called me up years later and asked me to forgive him. I told him I wasn't sure I could. Later, I told him I would. I wasn't really sure I could, but I said I would, though I might have to keep trying.

I am crying now as I write this, because the pain is still there. But I do think I have finally succeeded in forgiving him. It was a long row to hoe. Speaking forgiveness inside and then aloud is a first step.

I get angry easily, probably too easily, and forgiving is hard. I think it's important. It may take me several days to forgive my husband when he has done something annoying or worse.

However, having said that, I will also say this: if someone hurts me ABUSIVELY, I need to find a safe refuge and keep myself safe. Forgiving does not mean allowing someone to continue to hurt you.

It's hard to know, sometimes, where to draw the line. There are people who can help with this if you need it.

I am not complaining but . . . I am ...

I am not complaining but . . .  I am feeling WELL and I don't know why

The past two days were fraught with stress and worry and lots of bad food.  I ate everything I'm allergic too:  chocolate, peanuts, dairy etc.  I also ate snacks, fried food, drank some coke!  I expected to be up all night last night and to feel absolutely terrible today.  These expectations are a result of years of experience--I usually don't sleep and feel terrible after eating bad food and being stressed.

I am very grateful that in fact I not only (so far, knock on wood) slept very very well (for me), but also feel actually better than normal.

So, of course, now I want to know WHY so that I can hopefully continue to feel well.  Or return to feeling well if I slip away.

So what is different?  Well, I don't know. 

Remember how I slept outside in a tent most of one winter because I suspected inside air of causing me problems?  Because the air conditioner isn't running, we have fan in the bedroom bringing in outside air and one in the bathroom pulling it through.  Could fresh outside air have a positive influence? 

I can't even THINK of what else might be different.

Could it be being rescued by prince charming from all the horrors of a dead car in a distant place?  I dunno.