Humility

I ran into an old friend the other day. One I hadn't seen in years. It was so good to see her, because she knew me when my husband was still alive, and had fond memories of me as a spiritually minded person. I've never thought of myself in that way, so it was very encouraging. Then she said something interesting to me. She said that when my husband died, I had a nervous breakdown. She said, "I know you, you weren't the same, and you were too proud to ask for help."

This spoke volumes to me, although I should not have been surprised. Right after his death I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and as this blog will testify, my inability to ask for help is nothing new to me. Still, I never thought of myself as proud or having a nervous breakdown, just insecure and emotionally unstable in general.

I started thinking about pride. Right now, I'm really struggling with trusting in God to help me out of this mess I've gotten myself into. I've always just found my own way out, which is what has gotten me to where I am now. I think I've talked about my trust issues, due to abuse, before in this blog. The ones closest to me usually let me down, so I would just take on everything alone. It took a couple of years to learn how to trust my husband. So when my friend said, "and you were too proud to ask for help", my immediate reply was, "I didn't know how."

This is also about control, and the need to have control stems from pride. Right now, I feel like everything is out of control. This is insecurity. Proud people are insecure. We rely on our pride for security. Really though, nobody ever truly has control. We're deluding ourselves if we think we do. This is what Adam and Eve did. They wanted control. They didn't want God telling them what to do. If I keep trying to take control of my life, then I'm going against God's will for me. I have to learn how to give up control and to trust Him. You have to be humble to learn how to trust.

God gave me my husband to teach me. I trusted him, and didn't worry about giving him control of things, because I knew that even if he screwed up, he'd make things right, because he loved me. So does God, and he won't die or screw things up. Humble people know love - real love. Humble people have the strength to overcome their insecurities. I used to admire my husband's strength, and wish I could be more like him. He was not an insecure man. If I could learn to trust him, although being imperfect, then surely I can learn to "turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him."

The Hangover From Hell

A couple of Saturdays ago, my sister had a reception to celebrate her marriage [she eloped]. Caught up in all the festivities, I drank four glasses of wine. Granted, it was two more than I usually do, but it was over a period of seven or eight hours, which included dinner and dancing. I was sick for three days! Now, I did not stumble, vomit, pass out, or have memory blackout at any time during the evening. In fact, I can remember everything, and although I remember having a good time, I did not have enough fun to warrant a three day hangover. On Sunday, my brains sloshed so bad that I could not sit vertical without getting sick to my stomach. I was forced to remain horizontal for most of the day. Even on Wednesday, my eye lids still felt like lead balloons. To apply any pressure was painful. The worst part, though, was those day after voices that stab you all over with insecurities, telling you how stupid you are. I prayed that God help me to never drink again, because I well know that even though those voices are the most painful part, they are the easiest to forget.

The hard part is that I don't usually get sick like this when I drink, only every once in a while, and then I won't drink again for months, sometimes years. The last time this happened, I had kidney problems and went for about four months before having a drink again. It starts out slowly with only a drink or two socially, occasionally, maybe once every other week. It doesn't affect me, so after a while, I let my guard down; usually on a special occasion like this, where family comes in town, then we drink a couple of nights in a row, and I get sick. It causes my RA to flare up and joints to hurt, exasperates my chronic fatigue, screws up my kidneys, and drives my sugar levels crazy. The worst part is emotional, and what it does to my self esteem. It's obviously a problem.

So, I'm admitting that this problem has become unmanageable, and that I need God's help in avoiding alcohol.

Easy-Does-it Sick Day #2

I'm still sick, but I am incrementally better than yesterday—YAY!

I was able to stand up in the bathroom after my shower and brush and braid my hair.  Yesterday, I had to lie down as soon as I got out of the shower.  So that's an improvement.

I still feel incredibly tired.  I feel as if a gallon of coffee and a box of dark chocolate truffles might help.  But they would only make me feel worse later, so I am not caving.  No coffee, no chocolate, I hope.

I am simply going to take it easy.  One minute at a time.

It takes three to four days to clear the system of 75-90% of toxins and tiredness (assuming sleep in the meantime), and ten days to clear it entirely.  I am hoping in a few days to be able to function relatively normally and resume my regular daily activities.

Easy does it, a twelve-step Slogan, reminds us to be gentle with ourselves and  not burden ourselves with more than we can handle. We try to approach life in a relaxed manner while taking responsibility for living in the solution. Things have a way of unfolding when we are willing and patient.

EASY DOES IT!  I need to hear that.  And--DO IT!

An Easy-Does-it Sick Day or Four

What does it mean when someone with a chronic disease who works from
home decides to take a "sick day?"

I have fibromyalgia and with it, chronic fatigue. I am feeling
exhausted, depressed, and overwhelmed.

I always feel exhausted, depressed and overwhelmed. I am always sick.
But I still have my ups and downs and right now, I am having a down.
It's from the traveling, which is very hard on me.

I've decided I'm taking some "sick leave." I will get "paid" for it,
too, just as much as I always get paid: nothing at all. Well,
nothing for my labor. I do have a small income. And BB has one. The
pay, however, is not the point.

The point is, I am totally overwhelmed, sick and unable to cope. The
chronic fatigue that comes with fibromyalgia is getting the better of
me. I had 8 days of rain, soakings, insufficient sleep and bad food.
It's caught up with me. And I have too much to do.

I always have more to do that I have time to do it, more to do that I
have the energy to do. And there is guilt associated with that. I
feel as if I "should" be getting more done.

But STRESS is one of the major exacerbators of fibro and chronic
fatigue and it stresses me out that I feel guilty about not getting
enough done--and then I feel angry and resentful at everyone who I
imagine is judging me for my "laziness." "Walk a mile in my shoes," I
want to shout at everyone, because I am under the impression that no
one knows or understand what it feels like inside me with the pain and
exhaustion, because if they DID understand, they wouldn't expect so
much.

But--how CAN they understand when I live with it every day and I don't
understand. Why can't I function like a normal human being and get
more done? I must be lazy and if I am lazy, I must be BAD! That's
what I think about myself when I'm like this, and that's what I
imagine everyone else thinks.

But is someone with cancer or diabetes BAD because they have cancer or
diabetes? I don't think so. While some lifestyle choices may
contribute somewhat to either of those conditions, they are diseases
that are largely beyond the control of the sufferer--and so is chronic
fatigue, at least at this point. Though my choice to travel and the
subsequent choices that followed from that contributed to my current
state, am I supposed to remain sequestered and never move? NO! I
don't think so. Already my condition keeps me from a number of things
I'd like to do.

OK, so I am sick, genuinely sick, today. And I will be, probably, for
several more days. This is why I am taking some sick days.

So, what do I then mean by this? I am going to try to take it easy.
I am going to try to lower my expectations as to what I can accomplish
today and for the next few days. And, I am going to try to not beat
myself up when in fact, I accomplish little and was secretly still
hoping against hope to accomplish more. I am going to try to take
time to rest and relax. I hope to sit and simply rest from time to
time, and maybe even lie down. Something I rarely do (even at night,
LOL!).

I am feeling guilty also for feeling sad and depressed about my
condition--I've had it put into perspective because a person who was
once a very close friend and also a sister-in-law and is still
numbered among my dear friends has an aneurism and stroke and I
haven't heard any more, but I hope she's going to recover. I'm
frightened for her, and for myself, and for all of us. Stroke is
terrifying, can be fatal, can render one unable to talk or eat or
move. And I know little about what is going on with her, so I am very
afraid. Worried and beyond worried.

Even with the perspective that her condition is so much worse, and
that I at least am alive and able to function somewhat, I am still
suffering and overwhelmed. I am still taking some sick days. I need
them!

Life is short and could come to a sudden end at any time. Or be
irrevocably changed. I need to take the best possible care of myself,
and I need to start NOW--with a sick day. This day right here.
Today. Easy does it.

"Easy does it" is one of the slogans of the 12-steps, and it is one I
keep forgetting to practice. EASY DOES IT. One day at a time.

I am crying now, because I am so hard on myself. No one can tell,
probably, because I am such a failure. But I work SO hard at what I
think I should be doing. I need a little more EASY DOES IT before I
stress myself out of existence. Today. Now. Sick. Rest. Relax.
Easy Does it.

Mary, Thursday, October 02, 2008, 1:49 PM