Fritzy and the Fish Tank

It's been a while since I've posted anything. I've been through a lot lately, medical tests, my brother, etc. My dad has flown in from Australia, and is staying with me for probably the next 3 to 6 months. I refused to get involved when my brother's pastor called several weeks ago to say that my brother was out of control and scaring some of the women in his congregation. Normally, I would have driven him downtown to the county psych hospital, and told him to check himself in and get back on his meds, or find another way home. In the past, I was always able to talk him into it. I didn't have the time or energy this time. I had to work. My other brother was mad because I wouldn't help. He used the excuse of having a client on the other line, like his job was more important than mine. He and my sister have come to expect me to just take care of these things. Now, because I didn't, my dad has come to try and straighten things out. I believe this has turned out for the best, because my dad is getting a dose now of what I've been through for the last 20 years, and had no idea that my brother could get this bad. It's been eye opening and heart wrenching for him, but having him with me 24-7 has been exhausting and painful for me.

I've been telling him exactly how I feel in the most diplomatic way I can think of, but I can see it's hard for him to take. After some of the awful things my brother has done, no one in this family expects me to live with him and take care of him anymore, and that's a relief to me, but as I've pointed out to him, I had to get physically ill, before anyone would step in and help. And, they're all irritated by the inconvenience of this whole thing. My sister still thinks that I'm just being lazy and need to see a psychiatrist, and convinced my dad to make an appointment yesterday [without asking me what I thought].

In the midst of all of this, I had this dream. It's about a dog I had and loved dearly as a child, Fritzy.

- Fritzy is old and dying. I accidentally sit on his head. I put him in the fish tank to help him recover, and then forget he's there. The next morning when I remember, I panic thinking he might be dead, but when I call him, he swims to the top and I lift him out. There's another little brown dog in the tank with him. I reach in to pull him out, too, but he swims under a rock, frightened. Then, I wonder how they were able to breath under water. That's when I wake up. -

In the past, I've found that dogs in my dreams usually represent my "pet projects" or therapy. Fish tanks are usually my responsibilities, and are usually neglected. I don't really get this dream, though. I asked for clarifying dreams, and lately the only ones I can remember are about moving furniture, which usually represents my baggage. I'm sure it's connected with my having to talk about the past with my dad, but it seems like I'm missing some of the meaning. Oh yeah, my dad's a heavy drinker, and it's been difficult lately for me to say no to alcohol, although I've not had more than one or two.

Spring, Discovered!

Here is an art piece to go with one of my new dreams.

In the dream, the triplets were juts a little older than this. I am wondering why I am dreaming of Jewish triplets. Supposedly, things coming in threes either mean good luck or PAY ATTENTION.

Perhaps I miss my friend Jacob who I've known since he was a boy? I really have no idea. Tu b'shavat? How am I or some part of me like a Jewish boy?

2 eggs and a scale

I had another dream last night--it could have been in response to the friend one, since I'd asked for clarification and it could also havebeen its own thing.

I dreamed that we were breaking camp and everyone had gone ahead andI was making a final check. I found two eggs and a scale, a small electronic digital balance scale (black).

Both eggs were brown, one was boiled and one was raw. They were slightly different in color and size. I took them with me because I thought the scale might belong to Graham. It turned out that the eggs and scale belonged to a friend of Keith's who was traveling with us
(friend).

When I woke up though, I felt that the dream was a message to stop trying to measure poetry against art. Each is its own thing and has its own place and I need to stop weighing them against each other.

Poetry is the cooked egg, in a sense, I've been studying it and it is more well-developed. Art is the raw egg, still in process. Poetry is ready to be eaten. Art still needs to be cooked.

Or maybe the message is to eat the cooked egg first--maybe I AM supposed to weigh them.

There was a friend in the dream--maybe it means that the friend who is angry and afraid and lashing out has many creative powers and energy that would be useful to me if I reintegrated her/him.

I don't know. I'm tired. But I found the dream powerful and full of symbolism. EGGS and SCALES are both very powerful symbols (like SNAKES are powerful!)

Persephone/Demeter are also meaningful for me--Virgo with her scales. Scales can mean justice, Balance (which I sorely need), decision-making.

And eggs. Ideas, growth, birth. Fertility, creative potential. Also fragility.

In the dream, I went on a long solo journey with the eggs and then when I found out they belonged to the friend, I KEPT them and did not return them. Felt a little odd about it, but put them into MY/our things.

I hereby ask for yet ANOTHER dream of clarification for THIS dream. Does it relate to the other or is it its own thing?

Snakes in the Water

Snakes in the Water

A woman friend* (?) is visiting me. I seem to be living in Big Sur or someplace like that. We are on a cliff looking down at waves crashing on the beach. She speaks of swimming, but I say we can swim up here, and it's very peaceful. "We can swim to the right, we can swim to the left." There suddenly appears to be a deep clear warm lake at the top of the cliff. The water is comforting, warm, refreshing, pretty. After we swim a bit in peace and comfort, we encounter snakes. They are swimming in the water around us, and my friend is frightened of them. I ignore them and swim right through them, and they ignore me. But my friend yells angrily at them and splashes water to scare them off. Instead of fleeing, they rear up in the water hissing, showing their fangs, and then come at us in attack mode, opening their mouths to bite. I am offended that they are attacking me when it wasn't me who attacked them. I am also put off and a bit frightened by the now angry snakes. And I am upset with my friend for provoking them.

*In the dream, I know her, but when I wake, I can't remember or figure out who she is.

I had this dream several days ago and it has been haunting me.

I often think of water as the subconscious.

The green snakes (they were all green and in a wide variety of sizes) seemed peaceful and harmless at first. They floated in the water like lily pads. Relaxed. But when riled, they went into attack mode.

Snakes can be sexual and represent male genitalia, but also represent female power. The Goddess. They can represent nature and the power of nature.

The snake can be a symbol of transformation. Snakes are often seen as symbols of life, death and rebirth. In North American native tribes, the shedding of the snake's skin is associated with life and a new beginning.

If all the parts of the dream are viewed as part of myself, one could look at the dream as two different ways of dealing with life. If I approach life and change in a relaxed and calm way, I move through it without difficulty, but if I get frightened or angry, yell, splash around, than life becomes a problem and attacks me. I've seen this over and over!

I also wonder if the dream could have been caused by a confrontation with the security guard at Elmwood Cemetery. I can't remember if it happened before or after that. The guard was upset and K was exacerbating his upset instead of soothing it.

In any case, ONE message of the dream is to relax and go with the flow, so to speak, be soothing rather than angry and reactive. Unfortunately, when riled, I tend to attack, just like the snakes. That's the wrong approach. I learned it again today when calling the bank about an issue. Calmness works better. BUT, how do I get a grip on myself when upset?

I hereby ask for a clarifying dream.

Could this happen in waking life? Yes but it is unlikely.

Note: I am not normally afraid of snakes in waking life. But I often am in dreams. But not always.

OK, I have worked ALL MORNING and part of the afternoon Tuesday on a poem about this, 6 drafts so far.

Thin as Our Fingers
(Turning Flowers to Garbage)

A lake appears along the trail, above the cliffs
and pounding surf beneath. Bounded by cliff-side rocks,
it stretches nearly as far as we can see. Huge,
like the ocean below, but calmer. More welcoming
than the crashing waves of the sea. The trail
enters the lake and continues out of sight under the water,
as yellow as the yellow brick road in the Land of Oz.
I plunge in, eager, excited. Warm as air, the water
caresses me. Soft. Buoyant, delightful. I exhale, sink into it,
and rise again. “We can swim to the left, we can swim
to the right!” I tell you. And demonstrate. A smile
blossoms on my face and fills me with light
like the first sunny day of spring. You hesitate, then follow,
slowly. Wade, then swim. Then smile, too. We drift together,
above the yellow path under the water. You laugh,
bob, sway, almost seem to dance, until you see
the snakes. Green snakes, hundreds of them.
Some are as thin as our fingers, some as thick and long
as our arms and legs. The snakes float on the water like lily pads,
hold only their nostrils above water, heads suspended, tails dangling
like the long stems of water lilies. I swim and glide among them,
easy, relaxed, smiling. No clouds crowd the horizon; the sky
wears the clearest, deepest blue robes imaginable. Reflects
the endless blue water. But you stiffen. Hang back.
“Look,” I say, “they are harmless.” Snakes surround me,
and pay me no mind. Still frightened, you refuse
to swim forward. Suddenly, you yell and splash at the snakes.
In an instant, they all rear up, draw scaly lips back
to expose their fangs and hiss. They charge us both.




Mary Stebbins Taitt
For BB and jo(e)
090113-1229-1eb

I wonder if I should attempt a version of this poem that not only tells the dream but also explores feelings and possibilities about it. That feels challenging and frightening to me. Making a good and successful POEM out of all that. And right now I am totally overwhelmed, but maybe I can try it later.

I was up really late working on this last night and have done nothing else including EAT (no food yet today, BAD for me!) exercise chores etc. This has really consumed me but I MUST do other things!

Broken Eggs and Sinking Raft

This all ends up WASTING so much time because nothing WORKS RIGHT! I am getting very frustrated and upset.




The Broken Eggs


I am at Florence Morrison's house for a class she is teaching and she is frying eggs for us--we have to get them from the fridge and bring them to her and she tosses them into the pan--to speed things up. When I go to get mine, the fridge is full of broken brown eggs, and stacks of shells. Everyone else finds eggs, but I find only shells and broken eggs. Florence tells me broken eggs are still good and I say, "remember how I used to have chickens bag then, I know about broken eggs," but I still can't find any that are edible. She tells me I need to hurry and I crawl inside the refrigerator in order to see better. Now, even the cracked ones are gone.

I wake up with images of cracked and broken eggs haunting me. (Broken dreams?)
I feel somehow sad and left out.
I honored the dream by writing that poem, and I ask for dreams of clarification.

I am grateful for

• enough sleep to dream.
• a husband who seems to really love me, in spite of the wretched poem I just wrote about him
• a husband who is handsome and sexy
• the fact that I lost some weight! YAY!
  
  OK, here's the poem I wrote based in part upon the dream:
  
  
  
  The Sinking Raft
  
  Slowly, my husband unloves me. He stops
  putting the clean laundry in the drawers, then stops
  fluffing and folding it. Brings it up and dumps it
  in a tangle. Stops greasing my feet, rubbing my back,
  making love to me. "I will do everything,"
  he said, when he was courting. I dream of Florence,
  wife of John, my botany professor. More than forty
  years ago, John tried to get me into bed. I refused,
  despite his gifts and constant attention, but Katra caved
  and fell that long dark fall where you know you'll die
  when you hit bottom, and she wasn't dreaming.
  Katra didn't die, she became a lesbian, after John.
  Who could blame her? And Florence had an unfaithful
  
  husband. I hated John for that. "I'll do everything,"
  my husband said. "You can't," I countered.
  He tried, but couldn't. Of course
  he couldn't. No one could. I can't
  do anything. I rarely sleep, stare, zombie-like
  at the increasing chaos I can't control
  with my exhausted brain and body.
  But each time he stops, I see him turning away,
  turning his face to the wall, inching toward the farthest
  edge of the bed, away from me. He does that, too.
  Leaves me in sleep. I leave him, too,
  get up and pace the dark for hours, too tired
  to be useful. I finally sleep and go
  
  somewhere he's never been, without him.
  When I dream of Florence, her refrigerator is full
  of broken eggs. She fries eggs for all the women
  her husband courts, and everyone gets eggs
  but me. But why go back now, forty years later?
  Menopause? Dashed hopes, broken dreams?
  Is, like John, my husband unfaithful? "Remember
  when you used to love me?" I ask my husband.
  He tries the same on me. "See how it hurts?"
  He clings to me in bed, before he turns away,
  clings as to a life-raft in a stormy sea.
  I cling to him. We're not unfaithful, only old
  and getting daily older.
  
  
  Mary Taitt
  081205-1026-1c; 081205-0945 1st
  
  I'm always making BB sound like a jerk. Actually, I'm the one that's a jerk, probably.
  
  I had a terrible night last night. Did not get to sleep until well after 3:30 AM. When I don't sleep well, everything looks bad to me.

Out of Control Dream/Dreamwork

Out of Control

Today, my mother is scheduled to die.
She will swallow a lethal dose of poison.
Her begging for death, her plans and schemes,
have finally paid off. She will join my father at last.
Before she goes, I want to race to the nursing home
to say goodbye, to say "I love you." But the roads are snowy
and slick. A good foot of snow, packed to ice in spots.
As I turn to the left, up a long hill, the car slides
backwards, faster and faster, slipping into the left lane.
I panic, stab wildly around with my foot, can't find the brakes.
Cars fly past on both sides. I slide out of control,
can't even steer into my own lane. Finally,
I find the brake, pump it enough to slow the car, and start
back up the long hill toward my mother's death.
I am afraid I'll be late. She'll already be gone
and all my love and goodbyes will stay unspoken,
sticking in the throat of my heart like tears.

Mary Stebbins Taitt
081107-1225-1b; 081107-1st

This is a dream I had this morning. To honor the dream and request further dreams, I have made it into a poem.

When I write my dreams down, I do it in the first person present. By doing so, I discover things about myself and my current situation. For example:

I want to say goodbye to my mother. I am afraid I won't get to say goodbye. My mother died in January 2007. I was not with her when she died. I feel sad about this. I cried about it a little this morning. I think every time I revisit it, and cry a little, I am healed a little.

I am out of control. I can't find the brakes. My life often, if not always feels out of control. I think this is my addictions speaking through me. My ADHD makes me always behind on everything, all the time. I feel overwhelmed on the best of days.

I am afraid I will be late: I try really hard not to be late, and sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't. ADHD again.

I am sliding backwards. Backsliding. I am gaining weight again and the holidays are approaching. I need to get my eating under control before the holidays get here!!!

I am going the wrong way. I am in the wrong place. This is certainly true because I am gaining weight, I also need to look at other ways where I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. I want to get myself headed int he right direction.

I believe dream messages mean more than one thing--it's the subconscious's way of communicating with the conscious mind. I believe we can heal and grow by paying attention to our dreams. And I want to heal and grow. Writing a poem from my dream is one way of dealing with it. Doing art is another.

Mom, I love you and miss you! Goodbye, beloved Mom, Godspeed on your soul journey. Say hi to Pa! I love you, Miss you! Goodbye!

OK, what is the right place? Where do I want to be? I want to turn it over, and listen for instructions. Meanwhile, here is where I think I want to be:

1. lean and healthy and addiction free (one day at a time)
2. happy and cheerful, enthusiastic, loving, engaged
3. in the bosom of my nuclear family and with friends
4. be creative
5. working on my writing and art projects in an organized way so that I can bring them to fruition: Geraldine, Sissy, The woman who loved weeds etc.
6. Moving toward being organized and tidy (reasonably so)
7. continue on my healing journey toward radiant good heal inside and out. LOL!
8. find a balance that pleases me. Release being such a taskmaster to myself!
   

What steps to I need to take to get there? One day at a time, easy does it.

1. get back on track with my eating
2. get enough sleep (order a blue light, stop staying up late!)
3. make a friend locally. Nurture love and family, friends.
4. continue working on my creative projects, but don't overdo it on any one day.
5. avoid switching projects until one is complete, if possible! (Also hard for me)
   
6. Work out an organizational plan that will work for me. (This has proved very hard.)
7. work on Twelve &, wings challenges etc. (get into schedule/routine.)
8. Try to relax a little about all this. Work at it EASY DOES IT, ONE DAY AT A TIME!

I'm feeling guilty writing all this because I have so much else to DO!!! DANG! OK, enough for now!