Powerlessness, discussion topic, side trip into step 4:
I am back to struggling with the First Step again!
It's pretty bad when I can't get past the first step. I guess I want to be powerful and in control, and I cannot be. I want to be. I want to make everything right. But I am not God, and my version of what is right is not universal, it is only mine.
I believe that when you decide to do something, when you make a commitment, then you do it the best you can and with all your heart. That's why you are careful about making commitments. (I admit, I am not always good at this--I tend to agree to things to quickly, to say yes, especially when hassled, without considering the ramifications of my choices. And to be eager about things in the beginning, until they lose their luster. Therefor, I should be patient with other people's failings. BUT I tend to be less patient with other people where I myself have a shortcoming!
Hmmm, now this little side trip into step FOUR:
side trip into step 4:
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. I am supposed to be taking MY OWN inventory, not someone else's! Moral inventory: - I tend to agree to things to quickly, to say yes, especially when hassled, without considering the ramifications of my choices
- I tend to be eager about things in the beginning, until they lose their luster
- I have ADHD and tend to be easily distracted (or work so hard on one thing I ignore everything else to the detriment)
- I tend to be less patient with other people where I myself have a shortcoming!
OK, temporary end to side trip.)
Anyway, here's the problem. I'm very depressed today because of my continuing "resentments" (lack of patience and forgiveness, anger turned inward) about TB's latest practicing issues and HC's lack of stepping up to the plate. It turns out to be a very complex problem. Extremely amazingly complex. TB seems to to be having a crisis relating to doing his practicing (again). He says he's tired of it and bored with it and doesn't feel challenged. He'd rather lay around and do absolutely NOTHING or so ANYTHING ELSE at all rather than practicing. He has a recital coming up, his first solo recital, and he needs to practice in order to prepare for it and do it well. Well, that's my opinion. If TB (Track Boy) were an adult, that would be HIS ISSUE, not mine. But he is a child. And I am a parental figure. AYE, there's the rub. The beginning of the ultra complexity of the issue of powerlessness in my life today. First, there is the issue of parental authority and guidance in general. As a child grows, the parent slowly withdraws discipline and control AS THE CHILD EXHIBITS THE ABILITY to MAKE THE PROPER CHOICES HIMSELF! And, also as he ages toward adulthood, he takes on more of his own choices, even if they are WRONG. But WHERE to draw that line is often an issue. TB is NOT expressing the ability to make proper and wise choices and is not mature, wise, careful or thoughtful about his choices. He seems to consider ONLY the CURRENT moment (instant gratification of immediate desires) and not the outcomes of his choices. So at what point does one allow him to learn from his mistakes, to crash and burn and at what point does one step in and take control? I personally think he should study and practice at age 14 with regularity and discipline. If he can't provide the discipline, I think we, his parents, should. He's not 17 or 18, he's 14. He needs guidance and discipline in important areas. That's my belief, but it may be faulty. OK, so I have a premise that a 14-year-old boy, in this case, TB, requires parental guidance and discipline. Next question: WHO should provide that discipline? I have another premise. HC (Hiking companion, my husband) should be the primary source of guidance and discipline for TB. WHY? Because I am the
step mother. I do not want to be placed in the position of being
the WICKED step mother. I do not want to be perceived as "mean," although I think I already am, and this upsets and depresses me. I think it would work best for family dynamics if I provided love and support and mild guidance and discipline and HC took over the more difficult disciplinary actions. Another side trip into step 4:
moral inventory:
- I am not good at discipling myself or anyone else
- I HATE confrontation
- I hate arguments
- I want everyone to be happy
- I want the household to be peaceful
- AND I want people to do what they are committed to do (AND WHAT I THINK THEY SHOULD DO! But I shouldn't be taking THEIR inventory--except perhaps in the case of my child.)
- I want to be powerful, right, and good
end second side trip into step 4.
OK, so I have a belief and premise that our household would function better if HC would guide and discipline TB. I also believe that guidance, where ever possible, should be REGULAR, positive, and supportive, with heavy discipline being used only when absolutely necessary. I think it would be helpful for HC to engage with his son during piano practice for several reasons: 1)he is the biological parent an father, 2)he knows more about music that I do, 3)he spend very little time with TB. However, it is NOT my job to take HC's inventory and I am powerless over his behavior and choices.
AYE, there's the rub. The truth is, I am ANGRY at HC and at TB. I am angry that TB is not doing what I think he should do and I am angry at HC for not stepping up to the plate and resolving the problem.
The outcome I want is this: that HC spends time with TB around his practicing, encouraging and engaging and interacting when needed and that TB gets re-engaged with his practicing at least through the end of this year and does well on his recital. Then HC and TB can hash out whether TB continues with the piano. Of course, I would like him to. But at this point, there has been so much stress around this whole issue and it is upsetting me so much, that I just want to leave. Leave the house during the evening so I don't have to deal with this, or leave the family entirely.
I am powerless over this whole affair and CLUELESS as to what to DO. I am seriously tempted to leave home every evening and return after both of them have gone to bed. It upsets me so much I don't even want to be in the same house. I don't know what to do. At this point, I feel as if there is nothing I CAN do.
The whole thing is further complicated by the fact that I wanted to adopt TB, but no one else seems to care at all. Or want that. I am supposed top treat him as my son, but legally, he is not my son and I have no legal say over him medically or in any other way. I cannot adopt him without cooperation and willingness from both HC and TB. HC needs to get a bunch of paperwork together (I've got all mine in order) or give me the info so I can, and TB has to agree to it now that he is 14. Sometimes I wonder why I even BOTHER
trying. :-(
I am willing to sit and listen to TB practice and to encourage him and in fact I do go down and sit near him nearly every night. He used to like that, but now he mostly just uses me as a sounding board for his complaints. Which makes me want to leave--but NOT to go be with HC who is ignoring his "fatherly duties." If I am not going to be downstairs with TB or upstairs with HC, there is no where else to BE. (Should I cease to be?)
ABCDE approach:
A. Adversities: TB isn't doing his practicing regularly and is fighting it every day and HC is not stepping up to the plate to deal with this.
B: Beliefs: I am afraid TB will do badly at his recital and embarrass us and himself and cause trouble with Mrs. Lindow who is very nice. I believe he should stick to his commitment at least through the end of the piano year and hopefully longer.
C: Consequences: I am very depressed, upset, angry, resentful, worried, sad. I feel distant from TB and HC. I worry about the future of our family. I worry about the adoption never happening and no one even caring.
D: Disputations: (THIS IS THE HARD PART!!!) OK, HC works ten hours a day and is very tired and has a right to sit and read and do nothing considering how hard and long he works. My view and premises are only my OPINIONs and HC is entitled to HIS OPINIONs and his way of being a father, even if it is different than my idea and rubs me the wrong way. HC does
occasionally engage with TB in exactly the way I wish he would more often. Perhaps that is enough. TB seems to love, value and cherish HC (Much more than he loves values and cherishes ME!!!!). Forgiving and forgetting are good qualities that I cherish. (I am still not feeling very forgiving at the moment and I worry that if I forgive and forget, all kinds of bad consequences will occur.) I made a commitment to love and cherish HC, through thick and thin and idiocy, so perhaps I should somehow bite the bullet and sit upstairs with him and bite my tongue and let the chips fall where they may. (That seems wrong, but he's the father. That won't help my worry or my depression, though, or my resentment! I need to get past the bitting my tongue and bullet part.) Maybe TB will do OK at his recital with less practicing. He does have a facility for it. Maybe my going out every night would be an actual working solution--I could get my exercise then or go do errands, and would have to deal with them both being bad. I'd prolly miss my story every night, and I'd miss time with HC, but I'd have less stress in my life. (But then, what's the point of being MARRIED and HAVING A FAMILY?) OK, so I still have no solution to my problem, so it is hard to go on to the E. part.)
E. ENERGIZE: I am supposed to take hope and solace from the disputations in step D, but I have no solution. I guess I can take some solace in that TB MIGHT still do well on his recital because he has a lot of talent. And that in a hundred years, no one will care about this problem. In fact, no one but me cares anyway. In the scope of world problems, it's pretty insignificant. But the fact that I am insignificant only adds to the weight of my depression and burdens, rather than lifting them. I guess if I were in a death camp, this problem would seem pretty insignificant. Or if I were dying of cancer or something, or drowning in the ocean or in a terrible car accident. If TB were dying of starvation because we didn't have enough food or wounded by shrapnel or something, this would seem pretty minor. I have actual work to do, so I want to make a molehill of this mountain and get to it. SIGH! :-( :-( :-(
I am still sad about it, though. The whole stepmother thing is very difficult and stressful and something HC doesn't seem to understand at all, or care about, or want to be supportive of me, my efforts and my concerns. I wonder if there is a step-parent support group and if I should check it out. Like I have time for that?
I am powerless over other people. I am powerless over their choices. My life is feeling unmanageable and I turn it all over NOW to a higher power! I believe I could be restored to sanity. I admit the nature of the wrongs and shortcomings mentioned above and am ready to have them removed. LOL! Go to it, God! (Please?)
