Freewrite for Poetry 090512

Vertigo and Freewrite for Poetry 090512

I have just had an hour-long episode of vertigo that has left me feeling nauseous, dizzy and worried. I made a note of it for my doctor, who I happen to be going to on Friday, Muna Beeai. She's my GP. My neurologist thinks it could be silent migraines. I am afraid to do my normal morning exercises, because I am feeling dizzy and I am worried the vertigo will start up again--it came in two batches this morning, first lasting only 2-3 minutes, and then when I thought it was over, I moved and it started up again. So now, of course, Ia m afraid to move.

Oh-oh, appears my fears were well-founded--I just moved and it DID start up again, with a vengeance. 8:40 start. Room spinning bad. I keeled over to the left. Hit my head, not hard. Curled in a ball on the floor waiting for it to subside. Burst into a terrible sweat. Managed to crawl--literally--over to the computer and get into my chair. It seems to be subsiding again. 8:50 on Leo's clock, seems to have mostly stopped--ten more minutes of vertigo--but I think it is still with me and will return if I move.

OK, so let me start this freewrite again. I'm feeling dizzy, nauseous, worried, frightened. The room is spinning--OK--not spinning, holding relatively still now. But I'm afraid it will spin again. There is an odd dull feeling on my left side. That is, the left side of my head--I think it is starting to hurt. I had a lot to do today, and I am bummed about that as well, but also worried about what causes these spells of vertigo. Dr. Moudgil says it could be migraines, but it was also suggested that it might be a smalls stroke or a seizure. It's very scary, especially when I fall suddenly. That fall was very reminiscent of the time in Hamilton, Ontario where I suddenly lurches to the left and bumped into the wall of the hall. Nothing more happened then, but I did the same thing just now--lurched suddenly to the left.

The sun is shining brightly and I would like to go outside. I need to feed the squirrel, rocky, the wild birds and clean Rocky's cage and Eager's cage and make breakfast and shower and dress and get going on my tasks for the day. BUT I am afraid to move.

I can think of nothing unusual that I ate yesterday, only things I've been eating fairly regularly: steel cut oats, brain, rice milk, pork, calamari, shrimp, scallops, mushrooms, broccoli, yellow squash. I feel pretty sick. I can't do this, I have to go lie down.

10:00 I've had two more incidents of vertigo and still feel sick. 9:11-9:14, 9:40-9:55 accompanied by sweating and nausea. Fairly bad vertigo and nausea--probably not four incidents, but one long one, not over yet. It's been THREE HOURS NOW--I feel like it's wasting my whole day on the one hand and on the other hand, am quite scared. Worried about what it is and means. I got up out of bed because I have to pee and get a drink. I also need to feed the squirrel, but that involves bending over, which tends to exacerbate the problem.

More than 3 hours of vertigo, during which time I was unable to accomplish anything and spent most of the time in bed. Finally got up, made breakfast, sat out in the yard next to the shadow of the silver maple in the neighbor's yard--that is, I was in our yard, but the maples is on theirs. I had a weird experience where a shadow appeared on my hand that did not seem to come from the tree.

Vertigo Shadows

At the edge of a shadow cast by the neighbor's oak,
sun shines on my face, a breeze rustles my hair
and the shadow of the oak shifts and wriggles, restless
and hungry, withdrawing and then approaching
my bare toes, over and over while the whole dancing
shadow with it's patches of sun slides slowly closer.
Shadows of leaves, shadows of branches, shadows
of baby acorns nestled among the leaves. Shadows
of robins passing each other with worms and insects,
shadows of their babies opening wide their mouths.
A touch of cold startles me. I look down to see darkness
on my hands, isolated and with no visible source
from the tree. The deep, cloudless sky throws no shadows,
but the shadow on my wrist expands toward my heart.
Compelled to drink from that well of night. I bend toward
my hands. A black wave engulfs me. The earth tilts, the sky
spins and the tree lurches. I smell bruised grass, damp soil.
Feel tiny pebbles mashed into my cheek. Sweating
and cold, I watch the jonquils and tulips leap jaggedly
in the garden. Jump and twist spasmodically. On my knees,
my body curls in Bala-asana, the child pose, and I close
my eyes to still the jumping. The darkness
behind my eyes turns and jerks raggedly. I breathe
slowly. Feel a passing chill, another shadow.
I open my eyes to see a vulture circling, its shadow
passing over me again and again.

Mary Stebbins Taitt
090512-1229-1st

NOTE: This did NOT happen as written, but is a combination of the earlier experience of vertigo with the later experience of the shifting shadows and the mysterious one on my hand.

Good News and Bad Regarding my Weight and gratitude for the Holidays and New Year

Good News and Bad Regarding my Weight

It's the new year and time to try again to lose weight. The good news is that I weight 24 pounds LESS than I weighed a year ago. Yeah, I know, I don't look a bit different and I still look fat, but I do weigh less and my clothes are a little looser and more comfortable. The further good news is that I only gained about 8 pounds over the holidays from Thanksgiving through New Year's, which will be easier to lose again, I hope, than the 25 or so I gained last year over the holidays. The bad news is that I am about 20 pounds heavier than I was at my lowest during the summer, and I am sick with all the usual problems I get when I travel. I have a sore throat, probably from eating dairy products inadvertently. I have pain in my feet and joints etc., the usual, somewhat exacerbated by bad food. The good news is that it is not as bad as it often is after I travel. Worse than normal, but less worse. I attempted to be extremely careful.

I am starting a diet, gradually at first, but then escalating, I hope. I can never predict the course of these things, but I intend to keep trying. Health first, weight loss second. Exercise.

I will report back. I hope. Sometimes, I get so busy I just cannot keep track of things or blog.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to You! :-D May 2009 be the best year yet for you personally and for the country and world.

I am grateful that:

1. I got to see my children (YAY!) and some of my friends over the holidays!
2. I weigh less than I did a year ago.
3. Our traveling both to and from NY was safe and relatively uneventful.
4. I did not gain as much as I sometimes do over the holidays.
5. I did not get as sick as I sometimes do over the holidays.
6. I am home. (Even though I enjoyed seeing everyone--my kids and friends! YAY!)
7. I had bird food for the birds and squirrels.
8. My African violets and houseplants survived without me and are still alive.
9. I have another opportunity to get back on track with my health and weight.
10. There is beauty to enjoy while traveling.
11. My husband loves me and tries to please me and make me happy.
12. I wrote two drafts of a new poem to bring in the new year.
13. I got nice gifts for Christmas from hubby and children etc.
14. I enjoyed lots of good food over the holidays and last night.
15. There is another new year to grow and heal and see beauty and be creative in.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!