The Players

From Addictions A-Z:

Who are the Players?

The cycle of Addiction and Codependency with alcoholics or any other type of addict requires three main people/groups of people:

1. The Enablers:
   •  those who allow /excuse/ finance/ bailout the alcoholic/addict.
2. The Persecutors:
   • those who stir up the pot in order to put the alcoholic/addict on the defense and look for a way out of the pain.
3. The Victims:
   •  those who wallow in the excuse that someone is abusing/picking on/insulting/not recognizing their good qualities.

In the normal cycle of addicted relationships the enablers, the persecutors and the victims occupy all these roles at various times and to varying degrees - the fact that all persons switch roles makes it very difficult to assess anything until a crisis occurs.

Hi, I'm Nikki, and I have a problem with addictions. 
4th step:  I have played all these roles and still do.  Sometimes I get stuck in one of them for a while, and lately, I am playing the victim role to some extent.  Everyone keeps being mean to poor little me.  It seems that way, sometimes, but it is a perceptual thing and I need to work on my perceptions and attitudes.  Everyone is just being themselves with their strengths and shortcomings, their issues and tiredness, etc.  I tend to be over-sensitive and take things personally.  (I have been pretty good lately at getting over perceived hurts a little faster and forgiving sooner.)

The Serenity Prayer

God, Grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Boy, there is a lot of serenity and wisdom in that Serenity Prayer! I want to change everything to suit myself. I want to play God. But it only makes me bossy, frustrated and agitated! LOL! And I am not all knowing, all wise or all good, so I'm not sure I'd make a good God(dess.)

Things I cannot (or in some cases, should not) change:

• the world
• other people
• some aspects of myself (like my age, hereditary diseases or the shape of my feet.)
  

Things I can (and in some cases, should) change:

• some small portions of the world, through hard work
• my relationships with other people, in some cases, by changing MYSELF and my behavior
• some aspects of myself. Through much hard work and effort, LOL!

Acceptance is hard. The work of change is hard. But serenity is wonderful!

Blog Your Blessings

Video by Sandy Carlson

visit Sandy's YouTube channel for more

healing words, wisdom and videos

that are "based on prayers and scripture from various faith traditions."

I copied this post in part from Meeauw

I would like to be part of this blogging your blessings.
It's a good way to express a gratitude list!

Moral Inventory

1. I have no motivation or enthusiasm for life. I give up too easily.
2. I don't focus on the positive enough. I'm too easily overwhelmed by the negative and beat myself up.
3. I spend too much time escaping. Daydreaming is my new drug, and I tend to isolate myself because of it. Also, I tend to put art before chores and duties, like Nikki, when I can motivate myself to do it.

These character flaws are making it impossible for me to function in life. It affects my ability to focus on my work. It's affecting me physically, leaving me constantly exhausted and aching. It's destroying me financially.

Ok, now for the traits that help me:

1. I'm a survivor. In spite of my doom and gloom outlook, I always seem to find the strength to get by.
2. I have very strong will power. When I put my mind to it, I can do anything, like quitting drugs, nicotine, caffeine, sugar, refined foods, etc.. I can change my life, and have several times.
3. I care. I care enough to want to change myself, and to want to help others.

Unfortunately, motivation can't be created by sheer determination, strength, or will power. It's usually the other way around. Motivation is created by desire. How can I care enough to want to change my life, but not enough to want to live life? I make all these changes, but it get's me nowhere closer to happiness.

4th step continued

Ornery is a good word.  I am definitely ornery! 

I am grouchy and grumpy more often than I would like.  And Cranky!

I am not as loving and forgiving and generous and serene and happy and cheerful as I wish I were.

Sometimes I am cheery and energetic.  But not that often. 

I want to be kind and nice and spontaneously loving and cheery and welcoming.  I really want that.

I complain too much.

I do not praise others and myself often enough.

I am MESSY--very messy.

I tend to start a lot of things and not finish them.  This is a really really BAD fault of mine.  One I need to work on for sure.

I put art and creativity above a clean orderly house.  This has its DISADVANTAGES when I can't find important things.

I have ADHD!

I procrastinate.  I keep myself overly busy, and this contributes to procrastination--cause I can only do one thing at a time so other things are getting neglected.

I am oversensitive and get angry, hurt, depressed too easily.

I am obese.  :-(  UNhealthy!

I have sleep apnea and insomnia and a brain tumor.  This is part of my moral inventory, because the sleep apnea is caused in part by my obesity which is caused by overeating which is one of my faults, even though it is a DISEASE I have.  It's all interrelated.


OK, one of my 4th step guides says to list at least one good thing about yourself for every bad thing, so here are some good things:

• I am VERY creative
  
• I am imaginative
• I work VERY HARD at my art, poetry, writing, once I get going at it.
• I am very loving (except when I am angry)
• I am a good cook
• I enjoy pleasing other people (but in a balanced and appropriate way, usually)
• I walk every day (good for my health)
• I eat generally healthy foods
• I work at keeping the family(ies) together
  
• I am relatively frugal most of the time.  I do not overspend for the most part, and do not have any personal debt.
• I am intelligent.  (However, my memory is not as good as it used to be.)
  

OK, that's enough for now.  I will come back to this later.  As in sometime.  When I can.  I haven't had breakfast yet and need to EAT!  HALT!  I'm getting over-hungry!  AK.  But I figured if I didn't do it now, when would I?  Each one of these things requires further exploration!

Gratitude!

Well, I didn't do my gratitude list on Monday--or Tuesday.  Or Wednesday, so here it is Thursday.  Quick, some gratitude!

I'm grateful for:

• SUNSHINE!  YAY!  Sunshine, it cheers me up.
• flowers
• trees
• beauty
• grace
• perception (of beauty and grace
• music, especially GOOD, pretty, lovely music
  
• art
• the opportunity to appreciate art
• the opportunity to do art
• poetry
• walking, and the ability to walk
• friends
• family
• health, mine and theirs
• memories
• hope
• evolution
• blue sky
• sunshine
• food to eat when I am hungry, tasty food, healthy food
• shelter
• clothes
• air
• water
• car to drive
• paint and paper
• computer
• mother's day bouquets
• plans
• engaged interest
• curiosity
• cameras

I have LOTS to be grateful for!  YAY!

Using Again! :-(

I had a serious binge a few nights ago!  :-(

It was my first real binge in a LONG time.

I had insomnia and I was angry but forgot to think about HALT!  Hungry angry lonely tired.  Yeah, all of the above.

I went down in the middle of the night and ate most of a bag of marshmallows, crackers and butter, macaroni and cheese.  AK!

The good news is that I did not continue to binge the next day or the next!  That's what I used to do.  But I need to be extra vigilant and try to regain my abstinence!!  AK!