Shame

Dear Mike,

The walls are watching
And have taken note
Of the lurking absurdity since you’ve been gone
Cracks are peeping in
On my cross-dressing roommate painting his toenails
In the room that used to be your office
He’s moved his adolescent internet girlfriend in
And insists that he really doesn’t like clothes
She’s pondering on the back porch
Burning bugs
Because he wants her to be thin like me
My just-out-of-prison boyfriend
Expounds in the living room
On self glorified escapades
With three women slaves
He thinks I’m willful
Insists that I put your pictures away
And that the naked roommate has to go
Mom calls
Johnny Malonny has started a family feud
The enemy family has jacked with her hot water heater
And she can’t get it relit
By the way, what time is it?
For the forth time today…
Insists that she’s my daughter
And that she’s been here before
She’s worried that I’ve become a lesbian
I pour myself another drink and swear I can hear
The foundation’s manic moan
And the support beam’s crazed creak
Tell a bizarre tale
Through cracks in the walls of the once stable home
We shared
How did things get so weird?

I made this picture over a year ago for Illustration Friday, and decided today that it needed a poem to go with it. The eyes are actually the eyes of the roommate and boyfriend mentioned in the poem. The poem is about a time period from '05 to '06 when my health took a turn for the worse. I ran into the boyfriend at the grocery store not too long ago. His demeanor had changed. He seemed more humble [I'm using that term loosely]. After talking with him for a while, he mentioned that he was going to AA. Ah, that explained it. Really though, I was so happy to hear that. In fact, I was surprised at how happy it made me, because when I first saw him, I was trying to hide, hoping he wouldn't see me. I could see that he sincerely wanted to make amends. He apologized for the way he treated me, and I forgave him. I hope he stays with it. As far as the cross-dressing roommate and his pyromaniac girlfriend, they broke up, and he still owes me $500. Glad that chapter's over.

Broken Eggs and Sinking Raft

This all ends up WASTING so much time because nothing WORKS RIGHT! I am getting very frustrated and upset.




The Broken Eggs


I am at Florence Morrison's house for a class she is teaching and she is frying eggs for us--we have to get them from the fridge and bring them to her and she tosses them into the pan--to speed things up. When I go to get mine, the fridge is full of broken brown eggs, and stacks of shells. Everyone else finds eggs, but I find only shells and broken eggs. Florence tells me broken eggs are still good and I say, "remember how I used to have chickens bag then, I know about broken eggs," but I still can't find any that are edible. She tells me I need to hurry and I crawl inside the refrigerator in order to see better. Now, even the cracked ones are gone.

I wake up with images of cracked and broken eggs haunting me. (Broken dreams?)
I feel somehow sad and left out.
I honored the dream by writing that poem, and I ask for dreams of clarification.

I am grateful for

• enough sleep to dream.
• a husband who seems to really love me, in spite of the wretched poem I just wrote about him
• a husband who is handsome and sexy
• the fact that I lost some weight! YAY!
  
  OK, here's the poem I wrote based in part upon the dream:
  
  
  
  The Sinking Raft
  
  Slowly, my husband unloves me. He stops
  putting the clean laundry in the drawers, then stops
  fluffing and folding it. Brings it up and dumps it
  in a tangle. Stops greasing my feet, rubbing my back,
  making love to me. "I will do everything,"
  he said, when he was courting. I dream of Florence,
  wife of John, my botany professor. More than forty
  years ago, John tried to get me into bed. I refused,
  despite his gifts and constant attention, but Katra caved
  and fell that long dark fall where you know you'll die
  when you hit bottom, and she wasn't dreaming.
  Katra didn't die, she became a lesbian, after John.
  Who could blame her? And Florence had an unfaithful
  
  husband. I hated John for that. "I'll do everything,"
  my husband said. "You can't," I countered.
  He tried, but couldn't. Of course
  he couldn't. No one could. I can't
  do anything. I rarely sleep, stare, zombie-like
  at the increasing chaos I can't control
  with my exhausted brain and body.
  But each time he stops, I see him turning away,
  turning his face to the wall, inching toward the farthest
  edge of the bed, away from me. He does that, too.
  Leaves me in sleep. I leave him, too,
  get up and pace the dark for hours, too tired
  to be useful. I finally sleep and go
  
  somewhere he's never been, without him.
  When I dream of Florence, her refrigerator is full
  of broken eggs. She fries eggs for all the women
  her husband courts, and everyone gets eggs
  but me. But why go back now, forty years later?
  Menopause? Dashed hopes, broken dreams?
  Is, like John, my husband unfaithful? "Remember
  when you used to love me?" I ask my husband.
  He tries the same on me. "See how it hurts?"
  He clings to me in bed, before he turns away,
  clings as to a life-raft in a stormy sea.
  I cling to him. We're not unfaithful, only old
  and getting daily older.
  
  
  Mary Taitt
  081205-1026-1c; 081205-0945 1st
  
  I'm always making BB sound like a jerk. Actually, I'm the one that's a jerk, probably.
  
  I had a terrible night last night. Did not get to sleep until well after 3:30 AM. When I don't sleep well, everything looks bad to me.

Mary's mole has reached English shores

LOOK! I'm in England!

It landed on my doormat Tuesday (thanks Mike) and here it is on my table, waiting for inspiration to tickle my creative nodes. Great to see all your work first hand, and it is very inspiring. I can't wait to get started, if only I was in more. Need some more so-called Arctic weather to keep us indoors.


--
Posted By Johnnynorms to Moleskine Exchange at 11/27/2008 03:05:00 PM

Oops, I posted this by mistake. I was trying to send it to an alternate email address and typed it in wrong. BUT I think I will leave it, if you don't mind, as a gratitude thing! YAY! My artwork has arrived in England and I am grateful for that. And it will come back with other people's art in it! Wahoo! I want to do a gratitude list for Thanksgiving; we were too busy then.

1. I am grateful my Mole is touring around and will come back to me with art from all over.
2. I am grateful for BB who is out chopping leaves for the garden (mulch).
3. I am grateful for his love.
4. I am grateful for PB's musical ability and his health and well-being and the physical contact we had yesterday--I got to be close to him for a change on the couch at the family gathering.

I am also grateful for:

1. My daughters and their health, safety and well-being.
2. Time to be grateful.
3. Family time.
4. Good food.
5. Solo time, solitude.
6. Sunshine (not today).
7. my new light therapy lamp which might help me sleep better.
8. Beauty and the ability to appreciate beauty.
9. The things we have. (I am remembering how we lost 4 things and found them again and how grateful we were to have them back.)
   

I hope to write more sometime (later?)

Tantrum Dream

Tantrum Dream

BB, PB and I are in the basement eating, talking, discussing, arguing.  PB is watching TV.  I am eating a yogurt which explodes in my hands,  I am wearing white gloves and get going yogurt and red jelly all over my gloves.  I run upstairs to clean up and BB is coming up too.  There is a baby on the counter in a child seat(the counter is the exact same blue formica as our current counters, and the baby looks like Sophia, but her car seat is like the one BBJ had as a baby), BB is feeling the baby red jelly with a spoon and managing to block the sink so I can't get cleaned up.  I wait at first, then try to squeeze by.  The mess is getting worse and I feel desperate to clean up and I start having a tantrum.  I beat BB on the chest with my first and and kick him in the shins and cry.  He says, "Does this mean you don't want to go for a walk with me later and I say "Yes."  "I mean no!"  I am trying to say, 'Yes I want to go for a walk,' 'no I don't mean that!' but he has stormed out and can't hear me and I wake up all agitated and upset.

When I telll BB the dream, he says it's a classic Freudian dream about sex and the mess is jism and the dancing around is sex and the confusion is all the confusion brought on sex (and the baby is the result of sex).

I suppose you could interpret it that way, but I tend to think otherwise--or at least that there could be multiple interpretations.  I think I am feeling guilty about the times I get angry at at BB and he done nothing intentionally to hurt me/  Mostly, he means well.  I tend to be over sensitive and reactive, especially when I am tired.

(I am really tired right now, from baking all day--3 pies, cranberry marshmallow salad, chocolate wafer cake etc-- HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!)

I statements from dream:

• I can't get cleaned up!
• The mess is getting worse.
• I feel desperate about the mess!
• I am having a tantrum about the mess.
• I am having a tantrum because BB is blocking the way for me to get cleaned up.  In the dream, he is in the way and I can't get to the sink.  In my waking life.  He is uncooperative (sometimes) about helping to clean and very uncooperative and stubborn and slow about dealing with Susan's stuff.  I feel as if HE is in the way to my getting unpacked and settled in to this house.  I need to find ways that I can proceed even without his help and cooperation, or I will be endlessly unhappy.
  
• I "hate" BB (during the tantrum)!
• I know I love him and will want to be with him later (as the tantrum subsides.)
• I am eating something that I'm allergic to.  In the dream, I am eating yogurt, which I'm allergic to--this may mean in my waking life, i am eating something else I'm allergic to and need to pay attention to what that might be.)
• I am wearing white gloves.  Gloves can signify security and abundance.  White gloves can signify handling a situation with care. Messing gloves, especially white ones, can signify difficulties.  White gloves can signify looking for messes.  (I don't need to look very far!)

             
Here is that reoccurring theme of being disturbed and distraught by messiness!  This was an upsetting dream!  I really need to get a grip! 

Gratitude List:

• three pies made--I made:  apple cranberry, lemon meringue and bumbleberry pies
  
• salad (cranberry-marshmallow) and chocolate wafer cake made.
• BB is making dinner.  YAY!
• I had two 15 minutes today
• I got a new light therapy lamp which is supposed to help my sleep.  I hope it does.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Small + Smart = Success

Small + Smart = Success (A Wings for you Challenge)

My goals for now and the New Year 2009 (Remember, a new year starts every day and every moment!) are as follows:

 

Ø      Lose weight

Ø      Get healthy

Ø      Improve my sleep

Ø      Work on my issues

Ø      Unpack my boxes

Ø      Finish the Geraldine MS and begin finishing the Sissy Ms etc

Ø      Improve my relationship with my husband, son, daughters, friends

Ø      Improve my ability to communicate

Ø      Make ONE NEW GOOD FRIEND LOCALLY

Ø      Spend more time in nature

Ø      Improve my art

Ø      Get the house clean and organized

Ø      Improve the gardens

Ø      Improve my financial situation

Ø      Have fun

Ø      Continue and improve my personal and spiritual growth

 

OK, now for the small and smart:

 

1. Weight:  try over Thanksgiving and other holidays not to totally lose control.  And THEN, begin immediately to eat right.  Do an abstinence-1 diet for at least ONE WEEK immediately following an eating even, and continue it until my weight is three pounds below where it was before the eating event.  Then continue if possible.
2. Ask BB TODAY to bring me one box from the basement to unpack.  Unpack it.  Do it again in a few days.  (After Thanksgiving.)
3. Within ONE WEEK from today, locate the information about the doctors I was supposed to see.  If not found, call and ask for the information again next Monday!

 

That is enough for right now.  If I can work with these two things as soon as I am able to, I will add more later.

 

I make New Year's resolutions almost every year, and things generally improve for a while.  I also make them at my birthday (a new year) and other times throughout the year.  It always helps for a while, and then I backslide.

 

I am feeling overwhelmed with things I have to do, so I want to not try to take on too much extra.  I am meeting with my financial adviser tomorrow, so that is one small step toward one of my goals.

I would like to report that last year, one of my resolutions was to lose weight and I did lose weight and I am still less than I was last January.  Another resolution was to work on the Geraldine MS and I did and made good progress.  I didn't finish it, but I made good progress. 

Gratitude list:

• I am still lighter and thinner than I was last January
• I made good progress on Geraldine
• I slept a little better and a little longer last night
• I had an interesting dream
• I am grateful for:  trees, birds, birdflight, love, touch, companionship, good food
  

Feeling Stuck with issues., looking for solutions

We have a variety of issues, many of which are due in part of entirely to my illness.  But we/I also have communication problems. 

I have written this note to BB, but I also need to figure out things I can do differently to help change things for the better.

Things you need to know about me:

1. I do not beg.  I might, if someone put a gun to my head and threatened to kill me, but it would be coerced. I will ask for what I want sometimes.  But not repeatedly.  For example, if I tell you I am really tired and want to go to bed and you choose to ignore me, I assume you have things you want to do.
   
2. I do not make demands and issue orders except under special circumstances, e.g.:  if you have offered to help cook a meal and need instruction.  I will not tell you to go do the laundry, chop up the leaves, etc, I assume you're a responsible adult capable of doing what needs to be done without prodding.  I do not believe that I am in charge.  I also do not believe that you are in charge.  I believe we have a partnership.  But communication is essential to a partnership, and we need help with that.
   
3. I do not stand and wait, because it hurts my hips.  When I am in a lot of pain, I want to keep walking to get somewhere and sit down.  I also do not stand and, for example, look at the stars for extended periods, especially late at night or after walking, because that not only hurts my hips and feet, but also my neck.
   
4. I do not sit and wait, if I can avoid it, unless I have something to do.  This is because I get bored and agitated thinking of everything that needs to be done while I am sitting there doing nothing.  Clear communication is essential if we are to accomplish anything together.  For example, if we are planning to go somewhere together or to do something together (e.g.: yard work), you need to let me know when you are READY if I am doing something else!  I am probably waiting for you.
   
5. I do not go to bed before you, except when I am genuinely ill.  This is because I often cannot sleep, and I never sleep readily when I first lay down (except under very special circumstances).  If I go to bed first, I lie there waiting for you and getting agitated and bored and then I am more likely to not sleep at all, all night.
6. I am not obligated to know or remember (or do) ANYTHING.  When I do not sleep for days on end, my memory disappears for even the simplest things.  This is beyond my control; I do not know how to make myself sleep and how to make myself remember when I do not sleep.  Making fun of me or being unkind about it is stupid, mean, unproductive and likely to cause a serious rift.
7. When I am really sick, you need to take over responsibilities.  You do this well sometimes, but not other times.  Sometimes, I am truly incapable of doing things that require standing, for example.
   
8. Lack of sleep for days on end makes me extremely tired and cranky (GROUCHY!)  This is something I cannot seem to control once I get in that state.  Yelling at me because I'm exhausted and cranky and can't help it just makes things WORSE!  If you are tired and cranky too, we should consider planning activities that do not put us in close contact.
   
9. I think we need couples counseling and family therapy and I think PB needs help/counseling.  We need assistance learning to communicate with each other because we fail at it miserably.  PB need to work on his attitude and maybe be evaluated.
10. I desperately need regular contact with nature and WILDNESS (e.g.:  more nature than one can find in the city.)  We need to work on solving this issue or I will be forever unhappy.  I don't seem to be able to change this need; it's deeply ingrained in me.
    
11. I need HELP solving the issues of workspace and storage space.  I will not be happy until we get the boxes out of the living spaces.  I need help dealing with the stuff in boxes.  I would like you to help me.
    
12. I believe that YOU are the one PRIMARILY responsible for giving PB discipline and orders.  1)You are his father.  2)I am a STEPMOTHER.  Being a stepmother and interloper gives me much less power and authority.  You need to step up to the plate.
13. I will not throw away or move PW's things by myself because I don't know what's yours and what's hers and what you want.  If we are ever to get things in order, I will NEED YOUR HELP!  I am still living like a guest in this house, which makes me feel unloved and unwanted (and like leaving and going elsewhere.)  I know PW needs to be remembered and cherished--I'd want to be remembered if I died.  However, I need space in the house and PW is not coming back.  She doesn't need her books and other items.

We cannot change other people.  We can tell them what we want, but we cannot change them; we can only change ourselves.  So, I need to ask myself, in what ways can I CHANGE MYSELF that would help solve some of these issues we have. 

• I can work at trying to solve my health issues so I get enough sleep and feel better and am less cranky, grouchy and reactive.
• I could get therapy and try to deal with some of these issues.  (But of course, that would mean a struggle with someone other than myself).  I could, in therapy, perhaps learn to communicate better.
  
• I could LEAVE BB and move away to a place where I feel more comfortable and closer to nature--but I would be very sad to leave him.
• I could take assertiveness training.  (Yet again).
• I could spend less time doing art and writing etc and more time sorting through boxes.  (But I need soemwhere to work).
  
• To tell you the truth, I am at my wit's end and don't really know how to solve these issues or what to do.
• I can take ONE DAY AT A TIME and do my best.  EASY DOES IT but DO IT!
• I can pray about it, turn it over, ask for help (asking for help is NOT the same as begging, I have too remind myself of that), work the steps, take action however small.  Satrting NOW--I need to do soemthing, not write.

I feel a little stuck--I need to BREAK OUT and make some changes.

Two Dreams, Wrong Trail, Backing up the Dream

The Wrong Trail

BB, PB and I stand in an arid sunny woods with very little understory.  Trails diverge in a number of directions, and there are signs pointing the way and colored trail markers, blue and orange.  At some point though, we have lost the way and stand and argue, which way.  PB points up the hill, I think we need to go left along the ridge.  But PB is adamant and we follow him, up over a ridge and down.  We emerge from the woods in an area that is under construction.  Large yellow construction vehicles and partly finished buildings litter the landscape.  I want to say, "I told you so," but I refrain.  This is not where we wanted to go.  This is not where we want to be.  But as I am looking around, I see that there are many strange animals wandering about, as if escaped from an animal farm, or zoo.  A large deer-like animal (female elk?) comes up to investigate me and I somehow capture it.  I want to take it back where it belongs, to lead it back, and it is willing to come with me.  But I wake up.

Backing up the dream

I am making a drawing and something bumps my arm.  This causes me to make a stray mark where I don't want one.  I know I am dreaming, so I back up the dream the way you would undo a mistake in photoshop, and thus erase the mistake.  I am drawing a tree, and coloring the branches a pale shade of orange.

I statements from the dreams:

I am on the wrong trail.  (We are on the wrong trail).
I am not where I want to be.  (We are not where we want to be.)
I am under construction.
I can lead the animals.
I need to back up.
I need to be assertive when I am right.  (?)

(?) My spirit guides are wandering around aimlessly because I am not giving them guidance by asking for guidance.  (?)

Advice from the deer spirit guide:  "listen, watch, pay attention, hide well, consider carefully irreversible decisions.  (WARNING BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!)  Be a deer--a DEAR.  Or--you are a dear."

"An elk in a dream symbolizes strength and endurance.  You need to spend more time with friends and eat healthier food."  Boy do I

"Elk in a dream signify that you'll have no need to worry about your attraction and/or ability in regard to sexual relations."  I'm doing OK in that department, no concerns there.

Elk dreams relate to being in nature.  They point to the basics of life and longing for freedom and simplicity.  You need to roam about, you need wide open spaces, you need mental clarity and openness.  You need passion.  Elk are also symbolic of self-development and redemption.  Elk can be symbols of grace.

elk Graceful strength, versatile, or noble. Dreaming of this animal can represent:

• Having too much of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being less this way
• Not having enough of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being more like this
• Someone or something in your real life with whom you associate one of these qualities (an event, situation, threat, etc.)

For more clues, pay attention to what the animal was doing or any particular characteristic that stood out.

I was going to lead the elk BACK to captivity in my dream.  It seemed at the time to be the right thing to do.  But I FEEL LIKE A CAPTIVE IN MY LIFE soemtimes, separated from what I need by being in the city.

I need:

• freedom, freedom to roam about
• nature

These are things I do NOT have in abundance in my current life.

Elk, who are you?  Why are you in my dream?

I am I-sisis, EYE-sie-sis.  I am the spirit guide of the wild and open spaces, come to remind you of your need for freedom and clarity, for power and strength, for health and companionship, for being you, for holding your head up high.  I am strength and power, sexuality and creativity.  I am the she-goddess incarnate. Worry less, BE more.  Go make dinner!  SMILE!