Wings Challenge - Attracting Abundance

In this Wings Challenge we were to define abundance and come up with an Allowing Statement to help us overcome limiting attitudes that are blocking us from having what we want. As I was working on defining what abundance means to me, I began to realize that I would need to be able to think clearly to attain the things I want. In my life of abundance, I would be able to worship, love, create artistically, and learn to my full potential without my vision being clouded by depression or anxiety. I went on to write about the health and peacefulness that would result, and how I would be celebrating abundance with others who appreciate the same things. This is how I see abundance.

So, when answering the question, "Is there anyone I know who has what I want?", I wrote, "Yes, a friend of mine who, in spite of her disease, is able to find peace and quiet her anxieties through prayer." It wasn't until after writing that statement that I realized I had just written my Allowing Statement. You'd think that this would be a very simple and obvious conclusion to come to, but it wasn't really the answer I was expecting to get from this challenge. Who knows what I was looking for, but I'm quite sure this is what I needed to find, even though prayer does not come easy to me.

As for my visual representation of abundance, water is very symbolic of spiritual things to me. The clear water in this picture is full of life and it's abundant colors.

In wrapping up the challenge, we're reminded again of the importance of a gratitude list to create positive energy. My list today includes yesterday's, because that when I worked on all of this.

1. The thing I'm grateful for the most today is the feeling that God guided me in this challenge to what I needed the most. I'm sure I have many more limiting attitudes that need work, but I now feel intuitively sure that this is what I should be focusing on.

2. I'm grateful for the chance I had to see an ex-boyfriend the other day. The reason is because he had quit drinking, and is now going to AA. I could see a difference in him, his demeanor, and the way he talked. And even though I could never date him again, it made me so happy to see that he was turning his life around. The joy I felt surprised me. I nearly cried. Then he apologized to me for the things he had done. I could see he was working the steps, and took my share of the responsibility by saying, "I let you do those things." When I was driving home, I was overcome with a peaceful feeling and a sense of closure.

3. I'm grateful for the beautiful weather we've been having, because I can take my clients to the park for their workouts. Exercise has been difficult and painful for me lately, and the beautiful weather helps me to forget my pain.

4. I'm grateful for the poetry challenges I've been participating in lately, because they've motivated me to start writing again. Yea!

Out of Control Dream/Dreamwork

Out of Control

Today, my mother is scheduled to die.
She will swallow a lethal dose of poison.
Her begging for death, her plans and schemes,
have finally paid off. She will join my father at last.
Before she goes, I want to race to the nursing home
to say goodbye, to say "I love you." But the roads are snowy
and slick. A good foot of snow, packed to ice in spots.
As I turn to the left, up a long hill, the car slides
backwards, faster and faster, slipping into the left lane.
I panic, stab wildly around with my foot, can't find the brakes.
Cars fly past on both sides. I slide out of control,
can't even steer into my own lane. Finally,
I find the brake, pump it enough to slow the car, and start
back up the long hill toward my mother's death.
I am afraid I'll be late. She'll already be gone
and all my love and goodbyes will stay unspoken,
sticking in the throat of my heart like tears.

Mary Stebbins Taitt
081107-1225-1b; 081107-1st

This is a dream I had this morning. To honor the dream and request further dreams, I have made it into a poem.

When I write my dreams down, I do it in the first person present. By doing so, I discover things about myself and my current situation. For example:

I want to say goodbye to my mother. I am afraid I won't get to say goodbye. My mother died in January 2007. I was not with her when she died. I feel sad about this. I cried about it a little this morning. I think every time I revisit it, and cry a little, I am healed a little.

I am out of control. I can't find the brakes. My life often, if not always feels out of control. I think this is my addictions speaking through me. My ADHD makes me always behind on everything, all the time. I feel overwhelmed on the best of days.

I am afraid I will be late: I try really hard not to be late, and sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't. ADHD again.

I am sliding backwards. Backsliding. I am gaining weight again and the holidays are approaching. I need to get my eating under control before the holidays get here!!!

I am going the wrong way. I am in the wrong place. This is certainly true because I am gaining weight, I also need to look at other ways where I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. I want to get myself headed int he right direction.

I believe dream messages mean more than one thing--it's the subconscious's way of communicating with the conscious mind. I believe we can heal and grow by paying attention to our dreams. And I want to heal and grow. Writing a poem from my dream is one way of dealing with it. Doing art is another.

Mom, I love you and miss you! Goodbye, beloved Mom, Godspeed on your soul journey. Say hi to Pa! I love you, Miss you! Goodbye!

OK, what is the right place? Where do I want to be? I want to turn it over, and listen for instructions. Meanwhile, here is where I think I want to be:

1. lean and healthy and addiction free (one day at a time)
2. happy and cheerful, enthusiastic, loving, engaged
3. in the bosom of my nuclear family and with friends
4. be creative
5. working on my writing and art projects in an organized way so that I can bring them to fruition: Geraldine, Sissy, The woman who loved weeds etc.
6. Moving toward being organized and tidy (reasonably so)
7. continue on my healing journey toward radiant good heal inside and out. LOL!
8. find a balance that pleases me. Release being such a taskmaster to myself!
   

What steps to I need to take to get there? One day at a time, easy does it.

1. get back on track with my eating
2. get enough sleep (order a blue light, stop staying up late!)
3. make a friend locally. Nurture love and family, friends.
4. continue working on my creative projects, but don't overdo it on any one day.
5. avoid switching projects until one is complete, if possible! (Also hard for me)
   
6. Work out an organizational plan that will work for me. (This has proved very hard.)
7. work on Twelve &, wings challenges etc. (get into schedule/routine.)
8. Try to relax a little about all this. Work at it EASY DOES IT, ONE DAY AT A TIME!

I'm feeling guilty writing all this because I have so much else to DO!!! DANG! OK, enough for now!

I was going to work on a gratitude list today, but I worked on this poem instead. It's inspired by the plight of that poor child that was raped and then stoned to death for adultry. I know Mary was deeply affected by this story as well. As I post this, I can think of two things I'm grateful for. One, that when I was raped at the age of 13, I lived here and not the Middle East. And two, that she no longer has to live in such a barbaric society.

I'm also grateful for feeling better emotionally, and for being inspired to write again.

Abundance and Gratitude

I was just rereading Carla's Wings for You post on Abundance and Gratitude. I haven't got much time, but to counteract the down feeling I have from admitting one of my faults, a touch of shame, I thought I would do a quick gratitude list:

1. I am grateful today that Obama won--I know not everyone is, but I am.
2. I am grateful for a warm sunny day (with impending winter to remind me to be grateful!).
3. I am grateful for the beauty of fall colors and the ability to
enjoy that beauty.
4. I am also grateful for:

• my husband

• my children

• my friends

• their health

• my relative health

• the life of my friend Donna who recently passed, her sense of humor,

• our friendship

• trees

• birds

• flowers

• seasons

• an opportunity to write

a twelve-step item: lies

I told BB a little story the other day that I was immediately wishing I had not told him. It was the story of how I lied to a person who was very forgetful, telling her she had told me to do what I was doing. I did it in self-preservation, but that didn't make it right. Now I worry BB, who is also forgetful, will think I do that to him. I do not, though I have to admit, I have considered it.

It was wrong to lie. I know why I did it, I did what I thought I "had" to do. Sigh. But it was still wrong.

I do not want to write more about it for fear the person in question will recognize herself if she stumbles on this site. I probably should "make amends," but not necessarily by being honest about it. Yr not 'sposed to make amends if doing so would cause harm, and I think that would. I need to do something nice for the person in question, or for someone like her.

I am doing step 5 by admitting this to you and God. Step nine I have to do, too. This is also step ten, since I've already done more than one inventory--it's a continuing to take personal inventory and when you were wrong, promptly admitted it step. I was wrong. WAHN!

I hate being wrong, but I was.

default options

I am trying to train myself to make my automatic choices the right ones. We tend to form habits and the habits have energy and want to repeat themselves. I want to make my habits good ones. I want to:

• eat right
  
• exercise regularly
  
• sleep well (if I can)
  
• avoid addictive behaviors and substances
  
• be grateful
  
• seek help
  
• come here regularly!

One Day at a time

Sometimes, I feel as if I am not making any progress and I need a
friend to help set me up and my feet and point me in the right
direction.

"Thank you for being a friend."