Humility

I ran into an old friend the other day. One I hadn't seen in years. It was so good to see her, because she knew me when my husband was still alive, and had fond memories of me as a spiritually minded person. I've never thought of myself in that way, so it was very encouraging. Then she said something interesting to me. She said that when my husband died, I had a nervous breakdown. She said, "I know you, you weren't the same, and you were too proud to ask for help."

This spoke volumes to me, although I should not have been surprised. Right after his death I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and as this blog will testify, my inability to ask for help is nothing new to me. Still, I never thought of myself as proud or having a nervous breakdown, just insecure and emotionally unstable in general.

I started thinking about pride. Right now, I'm really struggling with trusting in God to help me out of this mess I've gotten myself into. I've always just found my own way out, which is what has gotten me to where I am now. I think I've talked about my trust issues, due to abuse, before in this blog. The ones closest to me usually let me down, so I would just take on everything alone. It took a couple of years to learn how to trust my husband. So when my friend said, "and you were too proud to ask for help", my immediate reply was, "I didn't know how."

This is also about control, and the need to have control stems from pride. Right now, I feel like everything is out of control. This is insecurity. Proud people are insecure. We rely on our pride for security. Really though, nobody ever truly has control. We're deluding ourselves if we think we do. This is what Adam and Eve did. They wanted control. They didn't want God telling them what to do. If I keep trying to take control of my life, then I'm going against God's will for me. I have to learn how to give up control and to trust Him. You have to be humble to learn how to trust.

God gave me my husband to teach me. I trusted him, and didn't worry about giving him control of things, because I knew that even if he screwed up, he'd make things right, because he loved me. So does God, and he won't die or screw things up. Humble people know love - real love. Humble people have the strength to overcome their insecurities. I used to admire my husband's strength, and wish I could be more like him. He was not an insecure man. If I could learn to trust him, although being imperfect, then surely I can learn to "turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him."