Mary's mole has reached English shores

LOOK! I'm in England!

It landed on my doormat Tuesday (thanks Mike) and here it is on my table, waiting for inspiration to tickle my creative nodes. Great to see all your work first hand, and it is very inspiring. I can't wait to get started, if only I was in more. Need some more so-called Arctic weather to keep us indoors.


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Posted By Johnnynorms to Moleskine Exchange at 11/27/2008 03:05:00 PM

Oops, I posted this by mistake. I was trying to send it to an alternate email address and typed it in wrong. BUT I think I will leave it, if you don't mind, as a gratitude thing! YAY! My artwork has arrived in England and I am grateful for that. And it will come back with other people's art in it! Wahoo! I want to do a gratitude list for Thanksgiving; we were too busy then.

1. I am grateful my Mole is touring around and will come back to me with art from all over.
2. I am grateful for BB who is out chopping leaves for the garden (mulch).
3. I am grateful for his love.
4. I am grateful for PB's musical ability and his health and well-being and the physical contact we had yesterday--I got to be close to him for a change on the couch at the family gathering.

I am also grateful for:

1. My daughters and their health, safety and well-being.
2. Time to be grateful.
3. Family time.
4. Good food.
5. Solo time, solitude.
6. Sunshine (not today).
7. my new light therapy lamp which might help me sleep better.
8. Beauty and the ability to appreciate beauty.
9. The things we have. (I am remembering how we lost 4 things and found them again and how grateful we were to have them back.)
   

I hope to write more sometime (later?)

Tantrum Dream

Tantrum Dream

BB, PB and I are in the basement eating, talking, discussing, arguing.  PB is watching TV.  I am eating a yogurt which explodes in my hands,  I am wearing white gloves and get going yogurt and red jelly all over my gloves.  I run upstairs to clean up and BB is coming up too.  There is a baby on the counter in a child seat(the counter is the exact same blue formica as our current counters, and the baby looks like Sophia, but her car seat is like the one BBJ had as a baby), BB is feeling the baby red jelly with a spoon and managing to block the sink so I can't get cleaned up.  I wait at first, then try to squeeze by.  The mess is getting worse and I feel desperate to clean up and I start having a tantrum.  I beat BB on the chest with my first and and kick him in the shins and cry.  He says, "Does this mean you don't want to go for a walk with me later and I say "Yes."  "I mean no!"  I am trying to say, 'Yes I want to go for a walk,' 'no I don't mean that!' but he has stormed out and can't hear me and I wake up all agitated and upset.

When I telll BB the dream, he says it's a classic Freudian dream about sex and the mess is jism and the dancing around is sex and the confusion is all the confusion brought on sex (and the baby is the result of sex).

I suppose you could interpret it that way, but I tend to think otherwise--or at least that there could be multiple interpretations.  I think I am feeling guilty about the times I get angry at at BB and he done nothing intentionally to hurt me/  Mostly, he means well.  I tend to be over sensitive and reactive, especially when I am tired.

(I am really tired right now, from baking all day--3 pies, cranberry marshmallow salad, chocolate wafer cake etc-- HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!)

I statements from dream:

• I can't get cleaned up!
• The mess is getting worse.
• I feel desperate about the mess!
• I am having a tantrum about the mess.
• I am having a tantrum because BB is blocking the way for me to get cleaned up.  In the dream, he is in the way and I can't get to the sink.  In my waking life.  He is uncooperative (sometimes) about helping to clean and very uncooperative and stubborn and slow about dealing with Susan's stuff.  I feel as if HE is in the way to my getting unpacked and settled in to this house.  I need to find ways that I can proceed even without his help and cooperation, or I will be endlessly unhappy.
  
• I "hate" BB (during the tantrum)!
• I know I love him and will want to be with him later (as the tantrum subsides.)
• I am eating something that I'm allergic to.  In the dream, I am eating yogurt, which I'm allergic to--this may mean in my waking life, i am eating something else I'm allergic to and need to pay attention to what that might be.)
• I am wearing white gloves.  Gloves can signify security and abundance.  White gloves can signify handling a situation with care. Messing gloves, especially white ones, can signify difficulties.  White gloves can signify looking for messes.  (I don't need to look very far!)

             
Here is that reoccurring theme of being disturbed and distraught by messiness!  This was an upsetting dream!  I really need to get a grip! 

Gratitude List:

• three pies made--I made:  apple cranberry, lemon meringue and bumbleberry pies
  
• salad (cranberry-marshmallow) and chocolate wafer cake made.
• BB is making dinner.  YAY!
• I had two 15 minutes today
• I got a new light therapy lamp which is supposed to help my sleep.  I hope it does.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Small + Smart = Success

Small + Smart = Success (A Wings for you Challenge)

My goals for now and the New Year 2009 (Remember, a new year starts every day and every moment!) are as follows:

 

Ø      Lose weight

Ø      Get healthy

Ø      Improve my sleep

Ø      Work on my issues

Ø      Unpack my boxes

Ø      Finish the Geraldine MS and begin finishing the Sissy Ms etc

Ø      Improve my relationship with my husband, son, daughters, friends

Ø      Improve my ability to communicate

Ø      Make ONE NEW GOOD FRIEND LOCALLY

Ø      Spend more time in nature

Ø      Improve my art

Ø      Get the house clean and organized

Ø      Improve the gardens

Ø      Improve my financial situation

Ø      Have fun

Ø      Continue and improve my personal and spiritual growth

 

OK, now for the small and smart:

 

1. Weight:  try over Thanksgiving and other holidays not to totally lose control.  And THEN, begin immediately to eat right.  Do an abstinence-1 diet for at least ONE WEEK immediately following an eating even, and continue it until my weight is three pounds below where it was before the eating event.  Then continue if possible.
2. Ask BB TODAY to bring me one box from the basement to unpack.  Unpack it.  Do it again in a few days.  (After Thanksgiving.)
3. Within ONE WEEK from today, locate the information about the doctors I was supposed to see.  If not found, call and ask for the information again next Monday!

 

That is enough for right now.  If I can work with these two things as soon as I am able to, I will add more later.

 

I make New Year's resolutions almost every year, and things generally improve for a while.  I also make them at my birthday (a new year) and other times throughout the year.  It always helps for a while, and then I backslide.

 

I am feeling overwhelmed with things I have to do, so I want to not try to take on too much extra.  I am meeting with my financial adviser tomorrow, so that is one small step toward one of my goals.

I would like to report that last year, one of my resolutions was to lose weight and I did lose weight and I am still less than I was last January.  Another resolution was to work on the Geraldine MS and I did and made good progress.  I didn't finish it, but I made good progress. 

Gratitude list:

• I am still lighter and thinner than I was last January
• I made good progress on Geraldine
• I slept a little better and a little longer last night
• I had an interesting dream
• I am grateful for:  trees, birds, birdflight, love, touch, companionship, good food
  

Feeling Stuck with issues., looking for solutions

We have a variety of issues, many of which are due in part of entirely to my illness.  But we/I also have communication problems. 

I have written this note to BB, but I also need to figure out things I can do differently to help change things for the better.

Things you need to know about me:

1. I do not beg.  I might, if someone put a gun to my head and threatened to kill me, but it would be coerced. I will ask for what I want sometimes.  But not repeatedly.  For example, if I tell you I am really tired and want to go to bed and you choose to ignore me, I assume you have things you want to do.
   
2. I do not make demands and issue orders except under special circumstances, e.g.:  if you have offered to help cook a meal and need instruction.  I will not tell you to go do the laundry, chop up the leaves, etc, I assume you're a responsible adult capable of doing what needs to be done without prodding.  I do not believe that I am in charge.  I also do not believe that you are in charge.  I believe we have a partnership.  But communication is essential to a partnership, and we need help with that.
   
3. I do not stand and wait, because it hurts my hips.  When I am in a lot of pain, I want to keep walking to get somewhere and sit down.  I also do not stand and, for example, look at the stars for extended periods, especially late at night or after walking, because that not only hurts my hips and feet, but also my neck.
   
4. I do not sit and wait, if I can avoid it, unless I have something to do.  This is because I get bored and agitated thinking of everything that needs to be done while I am sitting there doing nothing.  Clear communication is essential if we are to accomplish anything together.  For example, if we are planning to go somewhere together or to do something together (e.g.: yard work), you need to let me know when you are READY if I am doing something else!  I am probably waiting for you.
   
5. I do not go to bed before you, except when I am genuinely ill.  This is because I often cannot sleep, and I never sleep readily when I first lay down (except under very special circumstances).  If I go to bed first, I lie there waiting for you and getting agitated and bored and then I am more likely to not sleep at all, all night.
6. I am not obligated to know or remember (or do) ANYTHING.  When I do not sleep for days on end, my memory disappears for even the simplest things.  This is beyond my control; I do not know how to make myself sleep and how to make myself remember when I do not sleep.  Making fun of me or being unkind about it is stupid, mean, unproductive and likely to cause a serious rift.
7. When I am really sick, you need to take over responsibilities.  You do this well sometimes, but not other times.  Sometimes, I am truly incapable of doing things that require standing, for example.
   
8. Lack of sleep for days on end makes me extremely tired and cranky (GROUCHY!)  This is something I cannot seem to control once I get in that state.  Yelling at me because I'm exhausted and cranky and can't help it just makes things WORSE!  If you are tired and cranky too, we should consider planning activities that do not put us in close contact.
   
9. I think we need couples counseling and family therapy and I think PB needs help/counseling.  We need assistance learning to communicate with each other because we fail at it miserably.  PB need to work on his attitude and maybe be evaluated.
10. I desperately need regular contact with nature and WILDNESS (e.g.:  more nature than one can find in the city.)  We need to work on solving this issue or I will be forever unhappy.  I don't seem to be able to change this need; it's deeply ingrained in me.
    
11. I need HELP solving the issues of workspace and storage space.  I will not be happy until we get the boxes out of the living spaces.  I need help dealing with the stuff in boxes.  I would like you to help me.
    
12. I believe that YOU are the one PRIMARILY responsible for giving PB discipline and orders.  1)You are his father.  2)I am a STEPMOTHER.  Being a stepmother and interloper gives me much less power and authority.  You need to step up to the plate.
13. I will not throw away or move PW's things by myself because I don't know what's yours and what's hers and what you want.  If we are ever to get things in order, I will NEED YOUR HELP!  I am still living like a guest in this house, which makes me feel unloved and unwanted (and like leaving and going elsewhere.)  I know PW needs to be remembered and cherished--I'd want to be remembered if I died.  However, I need space in the house and PW is not coming back.  She doesn't need her books and other items.

We cannot change other people.  We can tell them what we want, but we cannot change them; we can only change ourselves.  So, I need to ask myself, in what ways can I CHANGE MYSELF that would help solve some of these issues we have. 

• I can work at trying to solve my health issues so I get enough sleep and feel better and am less cranky, grouchy and reactive.
• I could get therapy and try to deal with some of these issues.  (But of course, that would mean a struggle with someone other than myself).  I could, in therapy, perhaps learn to communicate better.
  
• I could LEAVE BB and move away to a place where I feel more comfortable and closer to nature--but I would be very sad to leave him.
• I could take assertiveness training.  (Yet again).
• I could spend less time doing art and writing etc and more time sorting through boxes.  (But I need soemwhere to work).
  
• To tell you the truth, I am at my wit's end and don't really know how to solve these issues or what to do.
• I can take ONE DAY AT A TIME and do my best.  EASY DOES IT but DO IT!
• I can pray about it, turn it over, ask for help (asking for help is NOT the same as begging, I have too remind myself of that), work the steps, take action however small.  Satrting NOW--I need to do soemthing, not write.

I feel a little stuck--I need to BREAK OUT and make some changes.

Two Dreams, Wrong Trail, Backing up the Dream

The Wrong Trail

BB, PB and I stand in an arid sunny woods with very little understory.  Trails diverge in a number of directions, and there are signs pointing the way and colored trail markers, blue and orange.  At some point though, we have lost the way and stand and argue, which way.  PB points up the hill, I think we need to go left along the ridge.  But PB is adamant and we follow him, up over a ridge and down.  We emerge from the woods in an area that is under construction.  Large yellow construction vehicles and partly finished buildings litter the landscape.  I want to say, "I told you so," but I refrain.  This is not where we wanted to go.  This is not where we want to be.  But as I am looking around, I see that there are many strange animals wandering about, as if escaped from an animal farm, or zoo.  A large deer-like animal (female elk?) comes up to investigate me and I somehow capture it.  I want to take it back where it belongs, to lead it back, and it is willing to come with me.  But I wake up.

Backing up the dream

I am making a drawing and something bumps my arm.  This causes me to make a stray mark where I don't want one.  I know I am dreaming, so I back up the dream the way you would undo a mistake in photoshop, and thus erase the mistake.  I am drawing a tree, and coloring the branches a pale shade of orange.

I statements from the dreams:

I am on the wrong trail.  (We are on the wrong trail).
I am not where I want to be.  (We are not where we want to be.)
I am under construction.
I can lead the animals.
I need to back up.
I need to be assertive when I am right.  (?)

(?) My spirit guides are wandering around aimlessly because I am not giving them guidance by asking for guidance.  (?)

Advice from the deer spirit guide:  "listen, watch, pay attention, hide well, consider carefully irreversible decisions.  (WARNING BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!)  Be a deer--a DEAR.  Or--you are a dear."

"An elk in a dream symbolizes strength and endurance.  You need to spend more time with friends and eat healthier food."  Boy do I

"Elk in a dream signify that you'll have no need to worry about your attraction and/or ability in regard to sexual relations."  I'm doing OK in that department, no concerns there.

Elk dreams relate to being in nature.  They point to the basics of life and longing for freedom and simplicity.  You need to roam about, you need wide open spaces, you need mental clarity and openness.  You need passion.  Elk are also symbolic of self-development and redemption.  Elk can be symbols of grace.

elk Graceful strength, versatile, or noble. Dreaming of this animal can represent:

• Having too much of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being less this way
• Not having enough of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being more like this
• Someone or something in your real life with whom you associate one of these qualities (an event, situation, threat, etc.)

For more clues, pay attention to what the animal was doing or any particular characteristic that stood out.

I was going to lead the elk BACK to captivity in my dream.  It seemed at the time to be the right thing to do.  But I FEEL LIKE A CAPTIVE IN MY LIFE soemtimes, separated from what I need by being in the city.

I need:

• freedom, freedom to roam about
• nature

These are things I do NOT have in abundance in my current life.

Elk, who are you?  Why are you in my dream?

I am I-sisis, EYE-sie-sis.  I am the spirit guide of the wild and open spaces, come to remind you of your need for freedom and clarity, for power and strength, for health and companionship, for being you, for holding your head up high.  I am strength and power, sexuality and creativity.  I am the she-goddess incarnate. Worry less, BE more.  Go make dinner!  SMILE!

Focusing on the Abundance

A banana tree flower that once had an abundance of bananas on it's stem.

I like Mary's idea of making a list of the things we have plenty of. It's another form of the gratitude list.

I have an abundance of:

- time to work on creative things
- spiritual things, ie. literature and meetings

Hmmm. That's all I can think of. Ok, here's my gratitude list.

I'm grateful for:

- the time and supplies I have for doing creative things [like my camera, so I can take pictures of banana flowers:]]
- the spiritual things, and God providing for me what I need
- having the necessities like shelter, food [not really an abundance of that, money's tight and I'm hungry right now, but I'm not starving] and clothes [I can get by for a little while longer on what I have]
- my computer when it works, and my blogging friends, like Mary, Yea!
- being able to pay my bills this month
- my sister-in-law who is going to take me out the family ranch with her for Thanksgiving this year, so I have something to look forward to

Ok, this has taken me over an hour to do. I've been pretty depressed, but I did it. I can see how Mary struggled with hers last week [or was that the week before?]. Today, work was difficult because of the pain, but I drew in my sketch book, and now I'm playing on the computer to take my mind off of my money and medical problems. I'm doing ok. I'll survive.

Putting the cart before the horse

I think decluttering is ESSENTIAL for clearing and healing, but before I can even do that, I have to get back to eating properly.  I am feeling utterly exhausted and terrible and it is hard for me to work at all when I am this tired.  I've gotten a small start on eating better today, and tomorrow I will try to work even harder at it.  I need to create a plan.  But I don't have time right now.

Decluttering

I was reading in Soul Coaching about the importance of decluttering.  I read about it in a book about losing weight, too.  And I KNOW it.  Deep down I know it, but I am being unsuccessful at it--it is one of the things I desperately need to work on.   I would have a greater sense of abundance if I had LESS CLUTTER!

Further thoughts on Abundance and Scarcity

Further thoughts on Abundance and Scarcity

We're back from our annual anniversary trip to Hamilton. I'm grateful that we were able to go and to have fun and to enjoy each other's company. Furthermore, I am grateful that they'd had plenty of rain, so that the waterfalls were full and impressive. AND I am grateful that although we lost 4 things while were there, we found all four of them again.

BB lost his glasses while we were hiking, looking for Albion Falls. He was bushwhacking. He discovered they were gone a long ways out and we retraced our steps looking for them and found them in the bushes. At the Botanical Gardens, We purchased a card for BB's Mom. It was a $5 homemade card and we really liked it. We left it with our coats while touring the greenhouses, and then went out to walk and when we were back at the motel, realized we didn't have it. We went back the next day and got it fromt he lost and found--that was a relief, Then BB lost his cell phone. He didn't discover it until evening when we'd been out and about all day. He made a trip back int he early morning but didn't find it. We went out hiking and I lost my lens cap and later found it. Then the phone rang and we found it--it had gotten lost in the car. The glasses would have been expensive to replace, but the cell phone would have been even worse, because he's grandfathered in in an inexpensive plan which is no longer avialble, so if he had to buy a new phone, it would have cost more every month! We had a great sense of abundance simply from getting back--and thus appreciating--what we already had! Seriously!

I was thinking about that list I'd made for what my abundant life would look like, and then was aware how many of those things I already had. I have a great deal of abundance in my life, but I also have scarcity at the same time.

from that list, here's what I have generally in abundance, or enough of to feel abundant:

• Enough food, shelter, clothing to stay warm and dry (not to be a fashion plate), money or means to acquire what I truly need.
• Love. Romantic/partner love. (BB) We generally have a good relationship.
• Hugs! Touching. BB is very sweetly affectionate.
• Creativity. Writing, poetry, art. Cooking. (Generally, I have enough, sometimes not).
• Trust.
• Beauty: The ability to see, perceive and enjoy beauty. And perhaps translate it.
• Possessions: I would like to have those things I need to live, love, cook, do art etc. Generally, I have plenty.

And here's what I need more of to feel "abundant:

• SLEEP! My insomnia has been really bad lately and it effects everything about my life. Negatively, including my general feelings of well-being and abundance. It's hard to feel like I have abundance when I am exhausted all the time.
  
• Good health. To really feel blessed and abundant, good health would be helpful.
• A lean healthy body. Probably not a necessity, but it sure would help.
• Nature and outdoors: I need to have some time in nature and be outdoors. We had a good dose of it this weekend, but normally, we don't get enough.
• Help! Growing and healing and coming to terms with my issues. And more support in this area from BB.
• Friendship. Connections. I left my friends behind when I moved here and have not made many new friends here--and those I have made are not good friends yet, and I rarely see them.
• Ways to “give back.” I would like to give back in ways that fit who I am and my lifestyle without taking too much away.
• Organization: to be able to complete tasks, I need to be more organized.
• good communication! this is one of the weak points in my relationship with BB and in my life.

And here are some items that I have both abundance and scarcity:

• Family. Connections. I have BB abd PB nearby, but my other children and the rest of my family is far away and I rarely see them.
• Smiles, laughter, sharing. Connections.
• Community. Connections.
• Meaningful, satisfying activities and work.
• Completion. The ability to one by one in an orderly fashion see my projects to fruition. I have a multitude of unfinished projects.
• Satisfaction: The ability to derive pleasure and satisfaction from daily accomplishments.
• Travel: I would like to be able to travel occasionally.
  

• Security: I know we never really have security, but I would like to change my mindset so I feel secure enough to give more freely, be more generous. Trust.
• Learning and exploration: I need to learn new things, explore new places.

In a way, everything fits into the last category. Abundance is a state of mind and my state of mind fluctuates. And whether I feel abundant depends on how I look at things. For example, money. RIght now we have "enough" money for our daily needs. But GM, where BB works, keeps laying people off and letting people go. So--do we have enough, when his job is in potential jeopardy? BB is 63 and I am 62. We have a college-bound 14-year-old. Do we have enough to send him to college and retire? Do we have enough for contingencies? Illness? Old age? (Probably NOT!)

If we look at what we have, we can feel that we have abundance. If we look at what we we need coming up, scarcity breathes its fiery breath down our backs. Because we're getting old, we're in increasing danger of losing life itself.

Still, if we live one day at a time, if we live in this moment, right now we're pretty OK. Not perfect--I'm up writing this early early because I had insomnia and wasn't sleeping. Been awake for hours trying to go back to sleep. On the other hand, there is snow outside, and wolves howling at the door--figuratively anyway, real snow--figurative wolves--and I am inside where it is warm, dry and light (It's still dark outside). I have a computer. I'm not always sure that's a blessing, but it is more than many people have. I have food, as I mentioned above. NEEDS, Barbara Kingsolver wrote, are so small as to rattle around in a bucket. Once we have our NEEDS met, abundance is an attitude.

I NEED SLEEP. The rest I can work on, make progress.

Gratitude List:

• I am grateful for the nice weekend we had
• I am grateful for the lost items that came back to us
• I am grateful for healthy delicious food--and for the omelet I'm going to make myself for breakfast soon.
• I am grateful for waterfalls
• I am grateful for trees and birds
• I am grateful for BB
• I am grateful for the nice music that PB makes. Last night I satu while he did his practicing simply listening to him play
• I am grateful BB reads to us.
• I am grateful for my children and their well-being.
• I am grateful for Blue Rose and Twelve &.
• I am grateful for poetry and art.
• I am grateful for beauty and the ability to appreciate it.
  

Attracting Abundance, A Wings Challenge

Attracting Abundance, A Wings Challenge

1)What is abundance for me? Let me start with what it is NOT. Abundance does NOT mean having a lot of money. I don’t object to having a lot of money, I guess, but I don’t think money is the root of abundance. One needs enough money to meet one’s basic needs.

To feel as if I have abundance in my life, here is what I think I need:

• Ø Enough food, shelter, clothing to stay warm and dry (not to be a fashion plate), money or means to acquire what I truly need.
• Ø Good health. To really feel blessed and abundant, good health would be helpful.
• Ø A lean healthy body. Probably not a necessity, but it sure would help.
• Ø Nature and outdoors: I need to have some time in nature and be outdoors.
• Ø Love. Romantic/partner love.
• Ø Trust.
• Ø Family. Connections.
• Ø Friendship. Connections.
• Ø Hugs! Touching.
• Ø Creativity. Writing, poetry, art. Cooking.
• Ø Help! Growing and healing and coming to terms with my issues.
• Ø Smiles, laughter, sharing. Connections.
• Ø Community. Connections.
• Ø Meaningful, satisfying activities and work.
• Ø Completion. The ability to one by one in an orderly fashion see my projects to fruition.
• Ø Satisfaction: The ability to derive pleasure and satisfaction from daily accomplishments.
• Ø Beauty: The ability to see, perceive and enjoy beauty. And perhaps translate it.
• Ø Possessions: I would like to have those things I need to live, love, cook, do art etc.
• Ø Travel: I would like to be able to travel occasionally.
• Ø Ways to “give back.” I would like to give back in ways that fit who I am and my lifestyle without taking too much away.
• Ø Security: I know we never really have security, but I would like to change my mindset so I feel secure enough to give more freely, be more generous. Trust.
• Ø Organization: to be able to complete tasks, I need to be more organized.
• Ø Learning and exploration: I need to learn new things, explore new places.
• Ø good communication!

Is there anyone doing what I want to do? Yes, lots of people publishing books, doing research, writing poetry, doing art, writing children’s books, traveling, etc. Part of my problem may be that my expectations are too high. I want everything. I guess I need to learn to do one thing at a time, complete it, celebrate it, and then move on. Or do a couple things, but not too many. I have tendency to have too many irons in the fire, too many projects going, and not complete them, or if I do, be unable to celebrate because I have six other deadlines and urgent things going on—or that’s my perception, anyway.

Also, there are people who are organized and together and manage to accomplish many things and still seem to be happy and calm. (Maybe they don’t have ADHD—like I do.)

There are people with ADHD who manage to overcome their handicap and accomplish great things—I guess. I don’t know of any, but there must be. There are certainly many people writing and publishing books and making great art.

In my ideal abundant life, I would be lean, healthy and organized, have a reasonably tidy house, and crank out project after project or poetry, books, art and photography in a reasonable and organized way and also have time for love, family and friends. I would sometimes travel. I would laugh a lot and have fun. I would spend time outdoors in nature, visit art museums, go to concerts. I would explore. Good communication—I would be able to communicate more successfully and so would those around me!

Limiting beliefs:

• Ø I believe myself to be unworthy of good things. I think I am a bad person.
• Ø I’m not good enough.
• Ø I believe in scarcity. There are not enough good things to go around.
• Ø I feel unlovable. It doesn’t help that I just had a fight with my husband over something stupid and am now missing my son’s concert. And my $15 ticket is going unused (but worse that I am missing the concert after all the work they did getting ready).
• Ø There is not enough love. Just look around.
• Ø There is not enough food—people are starving.
• Ø People with ADHD are rarely if ever successful. I don’t know of anyone who is.
• Ø People with ADHD and addictions are probably even less likely to be successful. FAT people with ADHD and addictions are probably even LESS likely to succeed. (Everyone knows fat people are ugly, stupid and unlovable, right? That’s how it seems.)

I thought my husband might come back and get me but he didn’t and the concert will start in 5 minutes and I can’t get there in 5 minutes. I am feeling very sad and very bad. My heart hurts. Maybe he thought I would drive over there. But it’s too late now. Maybe I should add good communication to the list of things one would have in an abundant life. I am very very sad.

Now it is after 8:00 and the concert is going on without me.

OK, for my limiting beliefs, here are some allowing statements:

• Ø I am human and therefore quite fallible, which I hate to admit, but I am generally a good and worthy person. (I don’t really believe it, no matter how many times I say it.) I love and accept me exactly as I am, even if I’m a jerk. I love and accept me exactly as I am.
• Ø I am good enough. (Occasionally). I am good enough, I am good enough, I am good enough.
• Ø There is enough for me. I already have enough, I just need to change my perceptions. There is more than enough.
• Ø I am willing to give and receive abundant love. There is enough love. I deserve love (just by being human and loving.)
• Ø There is enough love.
• Ø There are probably people with ADHD who are successful.
• Ø There are probably people with ADHD and addiction who are overweight and are still successful.
• Ø I have already succeeded in:
• o Walking the Northville Placid Trail
• o Walking part of the Colorado trail
• o Getting two master’s Degrees with high honors.
• o Writing several complete novel manuscripts
• o Writing several complete poetry manuscripts
• o Winning awards for my photos, art and poetry.
• o (Therefore, I can succeed in other ways as well.)

(but I still don’t believe it. I feel worthless and unlovable and unsuccessful and stupid.) (Being home alone and missing my son’s concert is NOT helping at all. And if I look at myself, or look around me, my worst fears are confirmed. I am fat and messy.)

• Ø I am willing to be lean and healthy and lead a happy loving abundant life. :-D

(Sorry to be so whiny--I am really depressed--I was hoping this would cheer me, but it hasn't, because the situation I am in is unresolved.)

OK, I feel a little better now that I have created an image, a little more hopeful.


This image represents me in my new abundant life. I am sitting in a beautiful spot in nature writing poetry or stories or drawing. I am working on a project and I intend to see it through to fruition. The white moths represent angles. They are my muses, my spirit guides, my spirit healers and my spirit teachers. (I suppose I should show more of them, but you get the idea.) When I take a step forward in the right direction, they gather around to help. If I take a step in the wrong direction, they warn and teach and guide. And if I don't listen, they hopefully help me learn from my mistakes. (Okay, I admit it, I am often a slow learner.) But they keep trying. Although I will never be this young again, I could possibly be lean and healthy. Like this girl.

I need to:

• get back on my diet
• work harder at it, but in a relaxed and loving way
  
• keep working on my projects, one or two at a time.
• Try to balance them by doing work around the house and other things that need to be done.
• Try again to make a flexible schedule.
• Try to get back on an even keel with BB once this blows over.
• Keep plugging away.
  

Wings Challenge - Attracting Abundance

In this Wings Challenge we were to define abundance and come up with an Allowing Statement to help us overcome limiting attitudes that are blocking us from having what we want. As I was working on defining what abundance means to me, I began to realize that I would need to be able to think clearly to attain the things I want. In my life of abundance, I would be able to worship, love, create artistically, and learn to my full potential without my vision being clouded by depression or anxiety. I went on to write about the health and peacefulness that would result, and how I would be celebrating abundance with others who appreciate the same things. This is how I see abundance.

So, when answering the question, "Is there anyone I know who has what I want?", I wrote, "Yes, a friend of mine who, in spite of her disease, is able to find peace and quiet her anxieties through prayer." It wasn't until after writing that statement that I realized I had just written my Allowing Statement. You'd think that this would be a very simple and obvious conclusion to come to, but it wasn't really the answer I was expecting to get from this challenge. Who knows what I was looking for, but I'm quite sure this is what I needed to find, even though prayer does not come easy to me.

As for my visual representation of abundance, water is very symbolic of spiritual things to me. The clear water in this picture is full of life and it's abundant colors.

In wrapping up the challenge, we're reminded again of the importance of a gratitude list to create positive energy. My list today includes yesterday's, because that when I worked on all of this.

1. The thing I'm grateful for the most today is the feeling that God guided me in this challenge to what I needed the most. I'm sure I have many more limiting attitudes that need work, but I now feel intuitively sure that this is what I should be focusing on.

2. I'm grateful for the chance I had to see an ex-boyfriend the other day. The reason is because he had quit drinking, and is now going to AA. I could see a difference in him, his demeanor, and the way he talked. And even though I could never date him again, it made me so happy to see that he was turning his life around. The joy I felt surprised me. I nearly cried. Then he apologized to me for the things he had done. I could see he was working the steps, and took my share of the responsibility by saying, "I let you do those things." When I was driving home, I was overcome with a peaceful feeling and a sense of closure.

3. I'm grateful for the beautiful weather we've been having, because I can take my clients to the park for their workouts. Exercise has been difficult and painful for me lately, and the beautiful weather helps me to forget my pain.

4. I'm grateful for the poetry challenges I've been participating in lately, because they've motivated me to start writing again. Yea!

Out of Control Dream/Dreamwork

Out of Control

Today, my mother is scheduled to die.
She will swallow a lethal dose of poison.
Her begging for death, her plans and schemes,
have finally paid off. She will join my father at last.
Before she goes, I want to race to the nursing home
to say goodbye, to say "I love you." But the roads are snowy
and slick. A good foot of snow, packed to ice in spots.
As I turn to the left, up a long hill, the car slides
backwards, faster and faster, slipping into the left lane.
I panic, stab wildly around with my foot, can't find the brakes.
Cars fly past on both sides. I slide out of control,
can't even steer into my own lane. Finally,
I find the brake, pump it enough to slow the car, and start
back up the long hill toward my mother's death.
I am afraid I'll be late. She'll already be gone
and all my love and goodbyes will stay unspoken,
sticking in the throat of my heart like tears.

Mary Stebbins Taitt
081107-1225-1b; 081107-1st

This is a dream I had this morning. To honor the dream and request further dreams, I have made it into a poem.

When I write my dreams down, I do it in the first person present. By doing so, I discover things about myself and my current situation. For example:

I want to say goodbye to my mother. I am afraid I won't get to say goodbye. My mother died in January 2007. I was not with her when she died. I feel sad about this. I cried about it a little this morning. I think every time I revisit it, and cry a little, I am healed a little.

I am out of control. I can't find the brakes. My life often, if not always feels out of control. I think this is my addictions speaking through me. My ADHD makes me always behind on everything, all the time. I feel overwhelmed on the best of days.

I am afraid I will be late: I try really hard not to be late, and sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't. ADHD again.

I am sliding backwards. Backsliding. I am gaining weight again and the holidays are approaching. I need to get my eating under control before the holidays get here!!!

I am going the wrong way. I am in the wrong place. This is certainly true because I am gaining weight, I also need to look at other ways where I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. I want to get myself headed int he right direction.

I believe dream messages mean more than one thing--it's the subconscious's way of communicating with the conscious mind. I believe we can heal and grow by paying attention to our dreams. And I want to heal and grow. Writing a poem from my dream is one way of dealing with it. Doing art is another.

Mom, I love you and miss you! Goodbye, beloved Mom, Godspeed on your soul journey. Say hi to Pa! I love you, Miss you! Goodbye!

OK, what is the right place? Where do I want to be? I want to turn it over, and listen for instructions. Meanwhile, here is where I think I want to be:

1. lean and healthy and addiction free (one day at a time)
2. happy and cheerful, enthusiastic, loving, engaged
3. in the bosom of my nuclear family and with friends
4. be creative
5. working on my writing and art projects in an organized way so that I can bring them to fruition: Geraldine, Sissy, The woman who loved weeds etc.
6. Moving toward being organized and tidy (reasonably so)
7. continue on my healing journey toward radiant good heal inside and out. LOL!
8. find a balance that pleases me. Release being such a taskmaster to myself!
   

What steps to I need to take to get there? One day at a time, easy does it.

1. get back on track with my eating
2. get enough sleep (order a blue light, stop staying up late!)
3. make a friend locally. Nurture love and family, friends.
4. continue working on my creative projects, but don't overdo it on any one day.
5. avoid switching projects until one is complete, if possible! (Also hard for me)
   
6. Work out an organizational plan that will work for me. (This has proved very hard.)
7. work on Twelve &, wings challenges etc. (get into schedule/routine.)
8. Try to relax a little about all this. Work at it EASY DOES IT, ONE DAY AT A TIME!

I'm feeling guilty writing all this because I have so much else to DO!!! DANG! OK, enough for now!

I was going to work on a gratitude list today, but I worked on this poem instead. It's inspired by the plight of that poor child that was raped and then stoned to death for adultry. I know Mary was deeply affected by this story as well. As I post this, I can think of two things I'm grateful for. One, that when I was raped at the age of 13, I lived here and not the Middle East. And two, that she no longer has to live in such a barbaric society.

I'm also grateful for feeling better emotionally, and for being inspired to write again.

Abundance and Gratitude

I was just rereading Carla's Wings for You post on Abundance and Gratitude. I haven't got much time, but to counteract the down feeling I have from admitting one of my faults, a touch of shame, I thought I would do a quick gratitude list:

1. I am grateful today that Obama won--I know not everyone is, but I am.
2. I am grateful for a warm sunny day (with impending winter to remind me to be grateful!).
3. I am grateful for the beauty of fall colors and the ability to
enjoy that beauty.
4. I am also grateful for:

• my husband

• my children

• my friends

• their health

• my relative health

• the life of my friend Donna who recently passed, her sense of humor,

• our friendship

• trees

• birds

• flowers

• seasons

• an opportunity to write

a twelve-step item: lies

I told BB a little story the other day that I was immediately wishing I had not told him. It was the story of how I lied to a person who was very forgetful, telling her she had told me to do what I was doing. I did it in self-preservation, but that didn't make it right. Now I worry BB, who is also forgetful, will think I do that to him. I do not, though I have to admit, I have considered it.

It was wrong to lie. I know why I did it, I did what I thought I "had" to do. Sigh. But it was still wrong.

I do not want to write more about it for fear the person in question will recognize herself if she stumbles on this site. I probably should "make amends," but not necessarily by being honest about it. Yr not 'sposed to make amends if doing so would cause harm, and I think that would. I need to do something nice for the person in question, or for someone like her.

I am doing step 5 by admitting this to you and God. Step nine I have to do, too. This is also step ten, since I've already done more than one inventory--it's a continuing to take personal inventory and when you were wrong, promptly admitted it step. I was wrong. WAHN!

I hate being wrong, but I was.

default options

I am trying to train myself to make my automatic choices the right ones. We tend to form habits and the habits have energy and want to repeat themselves. I want to make my habits good ones. I want to:

• eat right
  
• exercise regularly
  
• sleep well (if I can)
  
• avoid addictive behaviors and substances
  
• be grateful
  
• seek help
  
• come here regularly!

One Day at a time

Sometimes, I feel as if I am not making any progress and I need a
friend to help set me up and my feet and point me in the right
direction.

"Thank you for being a friend."