I was going to work on a gratitude list today, but I worked on this poem instead. It's inspired by the plight of that poor child that was raped and then stoned to death for adultry. I know Mary was deeply affected by this story as well. As I post this, I can think of two things I'm grateful for. One, that when I was raped at the age of 13, I lived here and not the Middle East. And two, that she no longer has to live in such a barbaric society.

I'm also grateful for feeling better emotionally, and for being inspired to write again.

Abundance and Gratitude

I was just rereading Carla's Wings for You post on Abundance and Gratitude. I haven't got much time, but to counteract the down feeling I have from admitting one of my faults, a touch of shame, I thought I would do a quick gratitude list:

1. I am grateful today that Obama won--I know not everyone is, but I am.
2. I am grateful for a warm sunny day (with impending winter to remind me to be grateful!).
3. I am grateful for the beauty of fall colors and the ability to
enjoy that beauty.
4. I am also grateful for:

• my husband

• my children

• my friends

• their health

• my relative health

• the life of my friend Donna who recently passed, her sense of humor,

• our friendship

• trees

• birds

• flowers

• seasons

• an opportunity to write

a twelve-step item: lies

I told BB a little story the other day that I was immediately wishing I had not told him. It was the story of how I lied to a person who was very forgetful, telling her she had told me to do what I was doing. I did it in self-preservation, but that didn't make it right. Now I worry BB, who is also forgetful, will think I do that to him. I do not, though I have to admit, I have considered it.

It was wrong to lie. I know why I did it, I did what I thought I "had" to do. Sigh. But it was still wrong.

I do not want to write more about it for fear the person in question will recognize herself if she stumbles on this site. I probably should "make amends," but not necessarily by being honest about it. Yr not 'sposed to make amends if doing so would cause harm, and I think that would. I need to do something nice for the person in question, or for someone like her.

I am doing step 5 by admitting this to you and God. Step nine I have to do, too. This is also step ten, since I've already done more than one inventory--it's a continuing to take personal inventory and when you were wrong, promptly admitted it step. I was wrong. WAHN!

I hate being wrong, but I was.

default options

I am trying to train myself to make my automatic choices the right ones. We tend to form habits and the habits have energy and want to repeat themselves. I want to make my habits good ones. I want to:

• eat right
  
• exercise regularly
  
• sleep well (if I can)
  
• avoid addictive behaviors and substances
  
• be grateful
  
• seek help
  
• come here regularly!

One Day at a time

Sometimes, I feel as if I am not making any progress and I need a
friend to help set me up and my feet and point me in the right
direction.

"Thank you for being a friend."

Humility

I ran into an old friend the other day. One I hadn't seen in years. It was so good to see her, because she knew me when my husband was still alive, and had fond memories of me as a spiritually minded person. I've never thought of myself in that way, so it was very encouraging. Then she said something interesting to me. She said that when my husband died, I had a nervous breakdown. She said, "I know you, you weren't the same, and you were too proud to ask for help."

This spoke volumes to me, although I should not have been surprised. Right after his death I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and as this blog will testify, my inability to ask for help is nothing new to me. Still, I never thought of myself as proud or having a nervous breakdown, just insecure and emotionally unstable in general.

I started thinking about pride. Right now, I'm really struggling with trusting in God to help me out of this mess I've gotten myself into. I've always just found my own way out, which is what has gotten me to where I am now. I think I've talked about my trust issues, due to abuse, before in this blog. The ones closest to me usually let me down, so I would just take on everything alone. It took a couple of years to learn how to trust my husband. So when my friend said, "and you were too proud to ask for help", my immediate reply was, "I didn't know how."

This is also about control, and the need to have control stems from pride. Right now, I feel like everything is out of control. This is insecurity. Proud people are insecure. We rely on our pride for security. Really though, nobody ever truly has control. We're deluding ourselves if we think we do. This is what Adam and Eve did. They wanted control. They didn't want God telling them what to do. If I keep trying to take control of my life, then I'm going against God's will for me. I have to learn how to give up control and to trust Him. You have to be humble to learn how to trust.

God gave me my husband to teach me. I trusted him, and didn't worry about giving him control of things, because I knew that even if he screwed up, he'd make things right, because he loved me. So does God, and he won't die or screw things up. Humble people know love - real love. Humble people have the strength to overcome their insecurities. I used to admire my husband's strength, and wish I could be more like him. He was not an insecure man. If I could learn to trust him, although being imperfect, then surely I can learn to "turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him."

The Hangover From Hell

A couple of Saturdays ago, my sister had a reception to celebrate her marriage [she eloped]. Caught up in all the festivities, I drank four glasses of wine. Granted, it was two more than I usually do, but it was over a period of seven or eight hours, which included dinner and dancing. I was sick for three days! Now, I did not stumble, vomit, pass out, or have memory blackout at any time during the evening. In fact, I can remember everything, and although I remember having a good time, I did not have enough fun to warrant a three day hangover. On Sunday, my brains sloshed so bad that I could not sit vertical without getting sick to my stomach. I was forced to remain horizontal for most of the day. Even on Wednesday, my eye lids still felt like lead balloons. To apply any pressure was painful. The worst part, though, was those day after voices that stab you all over with insecurities, telling you how stupid you are. I prayed that God help me to never drink again, because I well know that even though those voices are the most painful part, they are the easiest to forget.

The hard part is that I don't usually get sick like this when I drink, only every once in a while, and then I won't drink again for months, sometimes years. The last time this happened, I had kidney problems and went for about four months before having a drink again. It starts out slowly with only a drink or two socially, occasionally, maybe once every other week. It doesn't affect me, so after a while, I let my guard down; usually on a special occasion like this, where family comes in town, then we drink a couple of nights in a row, and I get sick. It causes my RA to flare up and joints to hurt, exasperates my chronic fatigue, screws up my kidneys, and drives my sugar levels crazy. The worst part is emotional, and what it does to my self esteem. It's obviously a problem.

So, I'm admitting that this problem has become unmanageable, and that I need God's help in avoiding alcohol.