alone
weather splattered hopes
blot an otherwise bleak landscape
streaks of anger
pale against a sky that refuses color
hint at a stubbornness that quickly darkens
leaving no shadows
clinging to cold rock
numbing roots
bent until my spine aches
branches raw, bark frayed by a
judgmental gale
humiliating blows hit full force
no shelter and no where else to turn
bare twigs reach for the
anger the sky rejects
hoping to ignite a spark of defiance that
warms numb roots
self destruct in a blaze of glory
instead, a gray night rolls in
dense Demerol darkness
anesthetizes the hopelessness
obscuring vision
I bow to blackness, but
pray for a miracle
Sorry I've been so bad about commenting lately. I've been very depressed and angry. I'm mad at my family again. It makes me sick every time I get mad at them. It's hard to function. I wish I wouldn't let them get to me like this. To make matters worse, I'm struggling with a government funded medical program and getting nowhere. I sat on the phone for an hour [using up my minutes] on hold to get my lab results, because they've failed to call me. They disconnected me at closing time. Aaaeeee!!! It's hard enough having to rely on handouts after working all my life, but to have to deal with all this other shit when I don't feel well... I don't have the energy to scream.
My sister thinks I just need to get a second job, like I did before I got sick, instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself. She started on this kick when I told her I would not take care of my bipolar brother who is refusing to take his meds. I told her that I can't even take care of myself anymore much less him. I've been taking care of him and my mother for 20 years now. I'm done now. That's what this next poem is about. I put it on my other blog, hoping she'd read it.
The Caretaker
What use are you to us
When you make yourself sick
Wallowing in self pity
Won’t listen to our advice?
Because we’ve spent our money,
You have no excuse
You owe us an explanation
Nothing’s free
You are not living up to our expectations
We have given you what we deemed necessary
You have been judged to be in arrears
Now you need to return to
Your previous role!
This last poem I thought about calling "The Rantings of a Spoiled Brat", because that's what I feel like I am/doing. Sorry to be so negative today. I know I should be putting things in God's hands, but I feel so trapped, so alone, so humiliated, and so angry that I don't want to wait on him. I just want to get out of this place!
I Can Choose Not To Listen
“Thank you Jesus, for healing me”
He cries out
Wanting more pain meds
Refuses to take his psychotic meds
Doesn’t care how the hospital bill gets paid
“Just be strong and take care of things”
Clueless fatherly advice
Running thousands of miles away, so
He won’t see the mess he’s left
Thinks he can buy respect
Two generations of
Self righteous rhetoric
Spat out
Condescending benevolence for
Their own benefit
At my expense
7 comments:
WOW! What a LOT to take on and deal with and worry about, especially when yr depressed and not feeling well. What a BUMMER! I am so SORRY!
What is that saying, "Don't tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big God is." Well, I think there is something to that, but he sure doesn't seem to come through QUICKLY when we feel that we need and want QUICK relief, does he?
Supposedly, we never get more than we can handle (but some people DIE trying to handle things). (That's not very helpful, is it?--sorry!) :-(
But you can do it! Pray for strength! Pray for courage! Take ONE DAY at a time. If necessary, ONE hour or one minute at a time.
Stand up for yourself and what you believe.
The art and poetry are excellent. Art and poetry are great ways of dealing with distress.
Some AA slogan-mantras:
Easy Does it
One day at a time
First things first
Let go and let God
This too shall pass
Just for today
Let it begin with me
Turn it over
Take it easy. take one step at a time. Put one foot in front of the next. Do what must be done. Easy does it but DO IT! Let go and let God, turn it over. Just for today, do what you must. Let it begin with you--Call on God but row away from the rocks!
FEEL BETTER! Sending you strength and courage.
Hope yr feeling better and things are working out for you!
Thanks so much, Mary. I'm not doing much better, yet. My tax guy called, and I owe over $7000. I'm probably going to lose my home. Well actually, I feel like I lost it when I moved out. I don't know where I'm going to live. I can't stay here. I should have been gone last October, but I have nowhere to go. Last weekend would have been my 22nd anniversary. I feel like I've lost everything, my husband, my home, my health. I have nothing to show for my 43 years.
It's hard to care about anything anymore. I'm supposed to be working on filing forms for the IRS, organizing my mom's finances for the new year, and trying to get financial and medical aid for myself. I went without dinner last night and lunch today, because I'm too tired to go grocery shopping. I have a client at 1:00 today. Maybe if I'm not too tired afterwards, I'll get some groceries on the way home. Needless to say, I won't be bothering with any of the other things I'm supposed to be doing. I'm too overwhelmed. Instead, I'm going to go read about your dream, so I can think about something besides myself. Sorry I don't have anything more positive to say.
ping things would turn around for you! Ai-yi-yi--that all sounds so terrible and hopeless.
Isn't there someone or some organization that can help? It would be truly terrible for you to lose your HOUSE! Your health could improve. You can't bring back your husband, sadly, but your health could improve.
You know, my health had gotten really bad, but it is somewhat better now. That could happen to you. But losing your home would be awful.
I hope things somehow turn around for you. I will pray for you!
I've been at my painting class all day and now I am going to go make dinner.
Don't give up!~!!!
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