Links

I'm adding some links to our list in the side bar that I think people will find interesting. The first is Isabella Mori's blog Change Therapy. She's a counsellor with a lot of useful information on the 12 steps and eating disorders. The other is Peggy Collins' Help Is Not A Four Letter Word, where you can get free information on how to ask for help.

Enjoy :]

Grateful

I am so grateful for the 17 years I had with my husband. When I first met my husband, I was 19 years old, and had just ended a five year abusive relationship. It sounds funny to say that now. How many 19 year olds have been in a five year relationship? At the time, though, it didn't seem strange. I dated him off and on through high school, and lived with him for a year, but it took several years to get over him. My husband helped me through it.

He was a patient man, who listened to me. He was 30 when we started dating, and he said that he knew right away that I was the one for him. I guess he was old enough to know what he wanted. I still had some growing up to do, so he waited patiently for me [a couple of years] to realize that he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

At first the relationship was awkward to me, and I was very insecure. I was so used to being put on a pedestal and then shot down, which is common in abusive and co-dependent relationships. He wasn't emotionally dependent on me, and it was difficult for me to understand why he was with me. He helped me to finally realize that he didn't need to be with me, he just really wanted to be with me. When I understood this, my life changed.

He was my best friend. We could tell each other anything. Nobody has ever known me, or loved me as much as he did. Not even my parents. With him, I learned self respect, and how to see myself as worthy of love. To him, I was special, even when we reached that phase in our marriage where we were in a rut and taking each other for granted. I could tell him I was bored, and he didn't get defensive or judgemental. We worked together to make our marriage more interesting and find new things to do as a couple.

We spoke the same love language. We both showed our love by being there and listening. All he ever wanted from me was for me to be home when he got home from work, to listen to how his day went, and to be on his side supporting him. He didn't care if the house was a mess or that there was no dinner. An hour or so of venting about work and a good back scratch, and he was happy. In return, he was always understanding of my depression, and never judgemental.

He wasn't perfect, though, and had his faults. He was messy. Ok, he was a slob. Sometimes, I would just give up cleaning up after him. I learned to live with that. He also wasn't very out going or social. As long as he had me around, he was inclined to be a hermit. To outsiders, he seemed grouchy, but to the people who knew him, he was laid-back and easy going. Everybody that knew him liked him. It was easy to overlook his imperfections and occasional grouchiness.

I have never met anyone that I've had more respect for. He was honest, hard working, and principled. He gave each job his best, even when the pay was little. A trait that was important to both of us. He had quite a reputation of respect in his industry. When a company had a job they couldn't fix, they would call whatever company he was working for at the time. He was proud of his reputation, but I was more important to him than his career, and he would always put me first.

As a result, I centered my life around him. I had no idea how dependent I had become on him until after he died. I trusted him completely, and didn't worry about him leaving me. On June 30th 2001, he died from a heart attack. He previously had no sign of heart trouble. I could not believe he was gone. It didn't seem real to me. Yet, there must have been a part of me that feared this, because I remember telling him once regarding his smoking, that I did not want to become a widow before I was 40. Now, seven years later at the age of 42, I find that I'm still lost without him.

What I miss most since he's been gone, is having him to talk to. Part of what I was learning when we were going through that "boredom" phase of marriage, was that I needed to find myself again as an individual rather than as a couple, and not be so dependent on my husband for happiness and purpose. This process was much easier when I could talk to him about it.

So, why am I so grateful? Most of the people around me are carrying some pretty hefty scars from their past relationships and marriages. I can't imagine going through what I'm going through today without ever having known the love, trust, and respect my husband showed me. Because of him, I know what a healthy relationship should be like, and how to love myself. He gave me the opportunity to see myself through his eyes, and no one can take that away from me.

The picture above is a T-shirt design that I made for him when we were first married, and I was working a printing company. He wore that T-shirt out.

The twelve steps and forgiveness

I just wanted to mention that the very effective twelve step programs
that helps so many alcoholics, gamblers, drug users and overeaters
deals more with forgiveness than any other issue.

Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over
alcohol/drugs/food/gambling/other people(etc)—that our lives had
become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore
us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of
God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact
nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to
make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to
do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong
promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious
contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of
His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we
tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these
principles in all our affairs.

4-10 have to do with forgiveness, more than half, as does step 12,
which is to contue working the steps above. Being "restored to
sanity," has in large part to do with giving and receiving
forgiveness. (And of course, confession is such a large part of the
Catholic Church.)

Sunflower, first section

I have finished reading The Sunflower, just the first section of the book with Simon Wiesenthal's story. I cried a lot. Strangely, perhaps, I did not cry at all during most of the early book. I cried when he began to truly struggle with his memories and with forgiveness. I cried hard and loud and luckily was alone.

I also read one of the responses, the one from the Dali Lama. I have to say I found it a bit alarmingly pat, annoyingly so. I guess there was so much soul searching going on by Simon that I felt a pat-seeming answer was inappropriate. Somehow disrespectful. (I often feel that way when leaving comments on people's blogs who have exposed their souls, and I can only say, now now, don't worry, everything will be fine.)

But nothing will be fine, or, everything will be fine in the sense only that there is some perfection in imperfection.

I have struggled all my life with issues of forgiveness, but this book brings up larger issues than the ones I have previously deeply considered.

Are there unforgivable sins or wrongs?

Does anyone have the right to forgive on behalf of someone else or a group?

Are there times when forgiveness is actually wrong?

I always thought that forgiveness was always right, but that it was
just terribly hard to do in some cases.

I heard on NPR recently about a case where the parents of a girl who
was murdered somewhere in Africa has helped the murderer and now
consider him like a son.

I have a hard time imagining myself able to do something like that, or
even that it was the right thing to do. I was very upset and confused
when I heard the story.

Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord. Clearly, we are not to take
revenge against others. And for Christians, Jesus died on the cross
so that our sins would be forgiven.

Which brings me to another personal story. This is a sort of weird
story and one that some people have reacted badly to, so I am a little
afraid to tell it, but I guess I will, since I seem to feel compelled
to do so.

First, a little background. My father was an atheist. He was raised
Catholic, but did not believe on God. My mother was an agnostic and
talked more and more about God, or the possibility of God, as she
aged. (This annoyed some of the other atheists in our family.) We
lived in a small community, and my parents liked to sing, and the only
opportunity for singing there was the church choir. We went to church
and my parents sang in the choir and we went to Sunday School.

When I was in high school, I was baptized and confirmed in the
Presbyterian Church. A few years later, I repudiated the Church and
God and became an atheist/agnostic. Confused, basically. I remain
confused, lo these many years later. I am of two minds, a scientific
mind that says life ends when we die, period, and a hopeful, questing
mind that seeks belief. I have tried many forms of religion over the
years and have been unsatisfied with each and all of them.

Maybe about ten years ago, or so, I was sitting in the little park in
front of the museum where I worked. It was evening, and I had had to
work late. I was alone, having my dinner break before returning to
work. I had been reading. The park and streets were full of people,
a small band was playing nearby. I stopped reading, looked around,
and closed my eyes briefly.

I was not asleep. I could hear a man talking on the phone (a pay
phone near me--this was before cell phones were so prevalent). I
could hear people talking on the other side of me, and people coming
and going.

Suddenly, Jesus was standing in front of me. I was not entirely
pleased and said something to him that would sound sarcastic and
disrespectful to a true believer, but I was not a true believer. I
said, "What are you doing here?" He smiled. He communicated to me
directly in my mind, like a conversation, only silent. He gave me to
know that he had been out on the desert fasting, praying and
meditating. That seemed appropriate to me, as I did a lot of that
myself. A connection, or sorts. Grains of sand clung to his skin. I
could see every hair and pore on his skin. He was deeply tanned and
nearly naked. He told me, very clearly, more than once, that I was
his, that I belonged to him, forever. That I was forgiven, now and
forever.

I think of that moment, sometimes, when I feel unloved and unworthy.
When I feel that I have done something bad, something unforgivable, I
remember that I am forgiven. At least by him.

Other times, I dismiss it as a hyopnogogic/dream or wishful thinking.
But I was fully awake and had not been wishing (consciously) for Jesus
and was not even pleased to see him! I did not consider myself to be
a Christian.

I still do not believe in God, not entirely, anyway. I do not attend
church and do not consider myself to be a Christian, exactly. But I
continue to find solace in the notion of my being forgiven.
Continuously, forever.

I have not succeeded in forgiving myself or other people I need to
forgive, with some exceptions, and I have not asked for forgiveness
from all the people whom I have wronged. I believe this is important
work and that I need to do it. Being forgiven by Jesus that night
does not excuse me from doing the important work of forgiving and
asking forgiveness. But it gives me a sense of peace and courage,
sometimes, when facing traumatic forgiveness issues in my life.

As an abuse survivor and very human and flawed person, I have lots of
personal forgiveness issues both in giving and receiving forgiveness.
But I have had little intimate experience, thank God, with the horrors
of genocide, war, and so on that Simon speaks of, or the incredibly
difficult choice he was given. I cannot answer what I might do, at
this point, or what even is right. I have to start all over to
consider these questions.

I keep wanting to believe that forgiveness is always right. But
torture? Murder? Rape? Inflicted terrible sufferings to total
innocents--children, the aged? If you forgive the perpetrator, what
about the victim?

The Dali Lama urges forgiveness and compassion. I want to agree with
him. Jesus said, love thine enemies. He didn't mean hug them and kiss them or have sex with them.

What did he mean? He meant compassion, forgiveness, understanding.

When someone hurts me, it takes me a while to reach the point of being
able to forgive--even small injuries.

Simon was still being hurt, and was in imminent danger. He was living
in fear and numbness. It's much easier to forgive from a distance,
much harder to forgive while immersed in pain. Closer to home, should
a woman who is in an ongoing abusive relationship forgive her husband
who is still beating her? As he is kicking her, should she forgive
him?

The Bible says, turn the other cheek. But that is easier said than
done, and may not be safe for the woman in question. I knew a woman
who was a very nice sweet lovable, kind woman, and very forgiving.
She kept forgiving her husband for striking her. Over and over, she
forgave him. He killed her. Killed her dead. Now she is gone.
Confusing.

I still think forgiveness is the right thing to do--but get safe
first, if possible.

I think I am rambling here. I think personal forgiveness is right.
It's what I believe in.

Forgiving for a group in a situation like Simon describes, that's a
little harder. No, it's a LOT harder. I still think I believe in
forgiveness. But could I do it, in that situation? Probably not.

Here's what I think. Each person is an individual. One cannot hold
the SS guy (Karl) responsible for all the sins and wrongs and horrors
of all the SS. Only for what he personally has done, and then you
have to look at the extenuating circumstances. You have to be able to
walk a mile in his shoes. We can't do that well. That's why the
Bible says, "Judge not, lest ye be judged." It's not our job to
judge. We cannot know, truly know, what is in the heart of another.

Can you forgive without making a judgment? Do you have to believe
that the person is "worthy" of being forgiven? Who makes that choice?
Can you forgive without it? I think yes. Personally you can,
anyway. You have to. For yourself.

Who do we forgive for? Ourselves or for others? Or both? I think both.

WOW! I could go on and on and on about this, but I have other things
to do, so I am just going to stop for now.  [All this relates to steps 4-10 and 12, which deal with wrongs and righting wrongs and forgiveness!]

(photo by me, mary taitt)

to-do (first things first)

I am still cogitating about my to-do list. I am unsatisfied with it
and with how I view it.

Priorities. What ARE they, really? Is making a piece of art a
legitimate use of time or an escape from what I should be doing? Who
defines art? I spent several days workingon this--was it worth the
time? What makes something worthwhile. I keep wondering.

A personal story (steps 4-10)

I received my book, The Sunflower, On the Possibilities and Limits of

Forgiveness. I have begun to read it, but life has been busy and I
haven't gotten very far yet.

I wanted to share a personal story.

I don't have time to write it all right now. But since I don't know
when I will, I will write some of it.

My first husband, let us call him PIUS, used to to beat me. He was
physically abusive and hurt me frequently. He was also emotionally
and spiritually abusive, controlling and sometimes mean. I used to
run away and he would find me and hit me over and over. These words
do not begin to tell what terror I lived in. He told me if I left
him, he would come and find me and kill me, and I believed him and was
afraid to go.

A few years ago, he wrote and asked if I would forgive him.

My first impulse was to say no. How could I forgive what he had done?
He not only physically, emotionally and spiritually hurt me, but he
affected how I view men, and the relationships I am able to have with
them. I am still "damaged" by our marriage and the way he treated me.

I told him I would think about it.

Late I told him I would try to forgive him.

But while I was reading the book, I felt driven to truly forgive him.
I wrote and asked him to forgive me for my part in our troubles,
wondered if I had already asked, and told him I forgave him.

This is what he said:

"You never asked, No.
We were young and foolish. I never didn't forgive you and
never held it against you.

I always felt bad about the things I did. Like stopping you from chanting
NamYoHoRengekyo which I have been doing since
1981. And many other things which were almost unforgivable and took
many years to grow out of.
Thank you and please accept my most sincere apologies for the
hurt, disregard, disrespect and anguish."

I feel a great sadness, I feel tears, and I feel lighter. But this has been many years in coming. I was 19 then. I am 62 now.

Forgiving and asking forgiveness is part of the work of the twelve steps. It is hard hard work, but the results are worthwhile! If you are interested in joining a group on forgiveness, please let me know!

Writing My Way Out of Depression

I've been in a bit of a funk lately, so I'm going to take the advice left here on this blog for me, and try writing my way out of it. This was my day yesterday:

There is no peace in my mind. Nothing eases the heavy brown smog that clogs every crevice of my life. When I wake, I'm overwhelmed with the sense that my heart just stopped, because there is no reason for it to continue beating. I gasp for air as consciousness stabs my brain, sucking in the musty gloom that I long to escape when I sleep. I lay in bed exhausted, tired of searching for a reason to get up every morning and finding none. Finally, getting up, because I have to, I pray for something to spark the tiniest shred of motivation within me, so that the day will be bearable.

I try to eat breakfast. Nothing tastes good. I force it down anyway, knowing my depression will get worse if I don't. I turn on the computer to post a poem I wrote the other day, but I'm tired, and don't feel like typing it. I decide to work on a picture to go with it, instead. I spend hours on it, but it doesn't excite me, and neither does the poem, anymore. I'm suddenly struck with the realization that my entire life has been a waste of time. "That's not true!" I argue with myself, but all my accomplishments seem pitiful at the moment, so I lay down to take a nap.

Again, I wake gasping for air, sucking in the "hopeless tape" that automatically starts playing before reality can slap me to my senses. "Stop!" Ok, focus on the feeling and where I feel it physically. The feeling dissipates, but not the thick brown gloom that accompanies it, or the exhaustion. There's only a vague memory of that sinking feeling you get when your heart skips a beat. Affirmations. I need to think of my affirmations quickly. Courage, insight, strength, determination... I go through my list, but they sound ludicrous. For some reason that I can't fathom, tying a plastic bag over my head seems more plausible than any of these affirmations, so I decide to escape into a daydream, where I make it past this phase of my life and go on to accomplish all the things I would like to do with my life. When all else fails, daydreaming keeps me from doing something stupid.

The hours pass like minutes. It's late night, and I've accomplished nothing today. The daydream makes the real world appear dreary, and the real world makes the daydream appear impossible. My vision is severely distorted by brown smog, and I'm too tired to fight it. But, I've survived the day, and tomorrow's another day.

The last line was my positive thing for the day, and my gratitude list. I did better today. Work helped get me through. My gratitude list for today:

I survived another day.
My work is not overwhelming.
I wrote this.
I found this picture that I did a while ago and forgot about, but seems to fit.

The Girl with the Curl

There Was a Little Girl

    There was a little girl,

    Who had a little curl,

Right in the middle of her forehead.

    When she was good,

    She was very good indeed,

But when she was bad she was horrid.

-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I used to hear this a lot as a child, and also this one:

Mary Mary, quite contrary

how does your garden grow?

It was the quite contrary part my mother or father was referring to, of course.

Someone called me a drama queen.  I was always accused of exaggerating, and I probably did.  And do.  But I also think I feel and experience things more deeply than other people do.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, but also my laughter, my pain, my tears, my anger, and everything else.

I am "oversensitive."  But you can't just tell someone who is oversensitive to "get over it," and expect them to suddenly be normal.  I can't switch it on and off.  It seems to be hardwired into who I am.

The reason I am writing this is because I read somewhere that bright lights help you reset your biological clock  AND my doctor Muna Beeai suggested that I get a "blue light" for depression and insomnia.  I haven't done so yet.  But what I've been doing is going outside and sitting in the sun for 20 minutes when I first get up--I do my exercises, meditate, draw, paint, read, whatever.  But this morning, my quiet neighborhood is suddenly transformed into Busytown!!!  I sat in the backyard which is usually really quiet and peaceful--and cherish, truly cherish, peace and quiet--and there was ll this banging, crashing, sawing, hammering, loud radios, cell phones, yelling vices.  A team of carpenters is putting a new roof on the neighbor's house.  So I went out front.  There was a crew of people working on the road and another wheeling wheelbarrows full of dirt to another neighbor's yard.  Construction come home!

I am very sensitive to load noises; they really disturb me.  The vacuum cleaner sends me into paroxysms of panic, and has since I was very young.  It's worse if soemone else is doing it--I can deal with it better if I am doing it.

BUT. not much better, which is an issue for me.  I tried to sit it out and ignore it, but I was getting tenser and tenser.  Soon my shoulders were up around my ears and starting to HURT.  I had to give it up and go inside.  I can still hear the pounding and sawing in here, but not so intensely.

So, I am contrary, oversensitive, easily disturbed.  Sometimes horrid.  And loving, cheery, intelligent and creative.  AK!

Leaping from the Mire

"One cannot leap from the mire. We shall take time to lay firm ground
to the whole meaning of health again. G.T. Wrench, The Wheel of
Health, p 44

I always wish I could pull myself up by the bootstraps. I want to have
my cake and eat it, too, and still be thin.

I want to be radiantly healthy and live a long happy life but not have
to change anything I am doing because that's too hard.

I want to be lifted from this veil of tears straight up to heaven by
the angels. Of course I mean bypass death and dying and just be
completely happy. And not lave to leave behind the people I love.

This world is hard. I have it easy, I know I do, and it is still hard.

ONE DAY AT A TIME, one step toward the thousand mile journey.
Right now, I feel depressed and want to eat something "bad." I know it
will give me a temporary lift, but then I will feel worse than ever.

I'm gritting my teeth. One minute at a time. I want to not eat anything bad.

Food. To be healthy, you have to eat all the right good things in
right good quantities and avoid the bad things. At least if yr me,
you do.

Making THIS DAY a 10 (First things First)

Nebulous longings for far away things don't help me this day to be
happy and feel a sense of abundance.

SO to make this day a TEN, here's what would help:

1)Work
*revise my two new Geraldine poems and file them (or at least one
of them) (P1)
*scales: Backyard Journal: Peonies (opt)
*examine Frog Haven for a peephole sized project and do it. Save
to thumb drive.
If I only get the first done,it will still be a ten for work.
2)& Fun Recreation:
*I hope that will be a 10 be the festival we hope to attend later.
3)Health, safety
*eat three healthy meals (avoid junk food at festival)
*get enough exercise
*bed by 11:30 PM
*drive safely to festival
4)Personal growth
*time allowing, write more about my goals etc and plan a diet and schedule
*if no time is available for writing (above) do only next
item--that is enough
*stay in the moment and savor at the festival
*see spiritual
5)Physical environment
*pick up, put away, file
*Back burner item: insurance on new house (ask K for info)
6)money
7)Love
*hold hands with HC, sit close to HC at Festival
*hug him
*tell him I love him :-)
8)Friends and family
*time allowing, cards for T & RM
*time allowing, read blogs, BB, N, etc leave comments, return comments
*enjoy festival with K
9)Spiritual
*TC (T'ai Chi), med (meditate), BDG (Ba Duan Jin)
*prayers
*gratefulness

These are all things I can do to help make this day a ten, time allowing.

Other things that would help is good weather (at least not a lot of
rain) for the festival) and no unexpected bad things.

Getting distracted and procrastinating will not add to my well-being
and happiness. THESE are my priorities, starting with eating
healthily and doing my work and loving HC! FIRST THINGS FIRST!

My real to-do list today

Here's my real to-do list, not very neat, I'm afraid. And a bit overwhelming.

To simplify it, I put a yellow post-it with the three items I need to
do next, and when I have completed those, I move it to the back.

I have to write down ordinary daily things like eat and shower because
if I don't, at 5 PM I wills till be in my PJs. I am very distractable!
(ADHD!) It was different when I had a job outside the home, because
I HAD to stick to a routine.

Sand and Stone

"Sand & Stone"

Two friends were walking through the desert. At one point, they had an argument; and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:

"today my best friend slapped me in the face. "

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.

After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:

"today my best friend saved my life'

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, 'after I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?'

The friend replied 'when someone hurts us, let us write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, let us engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.'

This is a forward I got, and it has probably been around multiple times, but I thought it might be relevant to our discussion and shed light on attitudes about forgiveness.

(Photo by me [mary taitt].)

{I have to say that the gap between what I believe and my success at practicing it is very wide.}

Forgiving ourselves and others is a large part of the twelve steps!!!!!

My Wheel of Life (and "Fortune")

A. On a scale of 0 - 10, how fulfilled am I in the area of Health
and Fitness? 6

If Health and Fitness were a 10 for me, what three things would be happening?

1. __I would weight 130 pounds (or a lot less than I do now!) and
no longer need a CPAP machine (no obesity or sleep apnea)__

2. __I would sleep well (no insomnia)__

3. __My brain tumor would shrink and disappear__

B. On a scale of 0 - 10, how fulfilled am I in the area of Personal Gorwth? 7

If Personal Growth were a 10 for me, what three things would be happening?

1. __I would be deeply satisfied with who I am and be kind to
myself and others_

2. _I would have a satisfying spiritual practice_

3. _I would be a shamanistic dreamer who meditated, LOL and have a
GREAT sense of humor!_

C. On a scale of 0 - 10, how fulfilled am I in the area of physical
environment? 5

If my physical environamnet were a 10 for me, what three things would
be happening?

1. _my house would be clean, neat, tidy and well-organized_

2. _I would live with closer access to nature__

3. __I would be doing more for the environment_

D. On a scale of 0 - 10, how fulfilled am I in the area of work/career? 7.5

If work/career were a 10 for me, what three things would be happening?

1. _I would be focussing on one project at a time and bringing it
to fruition_

2. _I would be sending out Frog Haven__

3. _I would be writing Geraldine poems_

E. On a scale of 0 - 10, how fulfilled am I in the area of money? 8

If money were a 10 for me, what three things would be happening?

1. __I would have office space to work__

2. __I would have studio space to work__

3. __I would have retirement etc all worked out and school for the kid etc_

F. On a scale of 0 - 10, how fulfilled am I in the area of Love and Romance? 9

If Love and Romance were a 10 for me, what three things would be happening?

1. _Hiking Companion and I could talk better with each other_

2. _Hiking Companion wouldn't have to wrk 58-hour weeks_

3. _HC and I would have sex a little more often_

G. On a scale of 0 - 10, how fulfilled am I in the area of Family and Friends? 7

If Family and Friends were a 10 for me, what three things would be happening?

1. _I would see my family and friends in NY more often_

2. __I would make new friends here_

3. __I would like 3 good friends besides HC and time to have time with them_

On a scale of 0 - 10, how fulfilled am I in the area of Fun and Recreation? 8.5

H. If Fun and Recreation were a 10 for me, what three things would be happening?

1. __I would spend more time in nature_

2. __I would do more interesting things; walk in different places_

3. _I would invent a middle of the week simple fun event_

I like this exercise because it gives a nice overview of strengths and weaknesses in the balance of my life. There were a few things I didn't know where to put--mental/emotional health--does that go under health and fitness? Does spiritual growth go under personal growth? Does mental and emotional well-being crossover between health and fitness and personal growth?

I'd like to spend more time thinking about this, but when I spend too
much time blogging, I feel as if I am slighting other things that I
need to do.

This is a WINGS challenge, but I am afraid to try to link it--last time I did that the whole post collapsed and it took me 45 minutes to fix it. Maybe I will try tomorrow, because there are also some things about the post I'd like to fix.

This exercise generates a list--a sort of to-do list based on eliminating dissatisfactions and problems. I would like to compare that list to one generated the normal way. That would be interesting. It has the advantage of being fairly balanced.

Click image to view larger!

Note: This is a wonderful addition to my STEP 4! YAY!

Wings Challenge 11 and 12

For details on challenge #11 see here

If personal growth were a 10, I would be more satisfied with all the other categories. For the most part, though, I feel like I am doing everything I can to improve this category, and feel that I am growing personally because of it, even if it's not as fast as I would like.

If physical environment were a 10, I'd be living in the Caribbean, or someplace like it with blue water. Anything has got to be better than the muddy brown water here, but I can't complain. I have a roof over my head, and a bed to sleep in.

If career were a 10, I'd be able to support myself. Otherwise, I really like what I do.

If money were a 10, I'd be able to support myself, afford recreation, and be able to save for retirement.

If romance were a 10, I'd have a mate that was patient, understanding, and cared like my husband did. I'm not too worried about that right now, though.

If friends/family were a 10, I'd be able to communicate with my family, and I'd have a real social life like my virtual cyber social life. I'm really happy with the friends I've been making blogging, though.

If recreation were a 10, I'd be scuba diving, walking on a beach, doing fun things with friends, like camping, swimming, etc. Again, I really can't complain, because I have plenty of extra time to do my art, and make occasional trips to the arboretum.

If health and fitness were a 10, I'd be healthy and happy. I work really hard at this, and for the most part, do everything I'm supposed to do, but you wouldn't know it, thanks to my depression and physical illness.

Somehow, I'm supposed to get some short term goals out of this to put on my to-do list, which is the next challenge. As far as I can see, I need to just keep doing what I've been doing, working on personal growth, spiritually for health, and therapeutically for family and career, so I'll have more money, and can afford recreation and a new environment [maybe it will help me to spell that word correctly before posting my picture, too].

How do you to-do?


Challenge 12 asks these questions: [for more info click here]

Do you create a series of lists for long and short terms goals and tasks?
What kinds of things do you schedule?
How do you prioritize?
Do you schedule fun things that are just for you?
How do you keep your list - on a calendar, on your computer, in folders?
What do you do with the items you don't get done?

While I've been faithfully journaling for a year now, I just don't do to-do lists. They overwhelm me, so I just keep them in my head, where they still overwhelm me, but I can ignore them. After reading Carla's post on this subject, I decided that I probably should come up with a better method. My research on this involved asking my sister how she does it. She has an electronic planner where she keeps one work related to-do list, and one personal. Her goal is to do three things on the work list a day based on priority, and three things on the personal list each weekend. At the end of the day, she deletes the ones she accomplished, moves priority to the top of the list, and then moves the entire list to the next day. She says that even if there are more than three priority items to be done, which is usually the case with her job, she still keeps her goal at three. If she does more great. If not, the world won't end. She's very successful at her career, and the people she works for, love her. She puts fun things on her calender, but I don't think they go on her to-do list. Because she's in management, her long term goals are written up on regular reports, so her list consists of mainly short term goals. I think I'll try her 3 goal rule, and see if I don't have a better attitude about my to-do lists.

Assigning value, Intrinsic Value

Assigning value, Intrinsic Value
Wings Challenge part II

How does one value the activities one engages in?  How do you value them so that you can make choices?  I keep telling myself, "First things First," but . . .  what are those first things?  How do you achieve an appropriate balance between work, obligations (family, community, environment), play, rest sleep, eating etc?

For example, I wanted to clarify something I said in the last post.  I said that for me, art is play.  I am not a professional artist, so when I do art, I do it for fun.  I like it so much that I have a tendency to do it when I should be doing other things--like my work, my family obligations etc.  I'm 62 years old now, and I STILL feel confused about prioritizing my activities.  How can I make a to-do list and prioritize it when I'm not sure how to do that?

I usually make daily lists.  I wonder if weekly lists would be better and less intimidating, or actually MORE intimidating, since there would be more on it.


In my fantasy about myself, say five-ten years in the future, I would like to be healthy, vigorous and ORGANIZED!  (In a balanced way).  I'd make subgoals for it if I knew how.

I think being organized in a reasonable way has intrinsic value.  If one isn't organized at least to some extent, one cannot function.  One can't find things.  One doesn't really know what to do next.  So I assign a theoretical high value to it, but I have never made it a priority to learn HOW to do it.  To actually MAKE it the priority it deserves to be.  In areasonable and balanced way.  I don't want to be one of those neat freaks.

I would like my house to look like a relaxed, backwoods version of Better Homes and Gardens.  Ha ha.  By this, I mean neat, clean and appealing.  Welcoming.

But I need to streamline the process of getting it that way and keeping it that way so I can do my work, sleep, eat, and social relationships, etc.  I wonder if that's even possible given the constraints within which I exist.  (I feel discouraged about it).

To-do: one thing to make me feel less discouraged.  Hmm.  I wonder what that would be and when I would do it.  Not while blogging about it.

A Big To-do about To-dos

A Big To-do about To-dos
A Wings Challenge

It is interesting how these Wings Challenges seem to come just when I need them,  I am not sure this one is going to give me any answers, maybe just questions to look at.

I just had a big birthday.  All birthdays are big, in a sense.  But this one seems somehow bigger.  I am now officially, in this area anyway, a senior citizen and a crone.  I am 62.  I get discounts now, and I get constipated.  I get fat easily and don't have as much energy as I use to.  I'm a lot more forgetful and more disorganized.  I didn't want to look 20 years ahead in case I might be dead or dying.  My parents both died at 83 and weren't doing to well at 82!  I want to be different.  I want to live longer than that.  But there is no guarantee that I will with my genetic time bombs ticking.  I have a brain tumor, a meningioma, same one that essentially killed my Mom.

Does any of that have anything to do with my to-do lists and priorities?  You bet.

First on my to-do list?  Take good care of myself.

First to be ignored?  Exactly that, way too often.

I get tired, I get stressed, I do stupid things.  Unwise things.

So, how do I organize my priorities?  Very poorly, but I keep trying!  Maybe I should mention that I also have ADHD!  AK!

I have tried many systems and read many books on "getting organized" and have tried over and over and always failed.  (A fourth step note:  I am very disorganised!)

Here are some of the things I've tried:

• notebooks of lists.  Sometimes, this works well, until I lose it in a heap of $#|^!  (otherwise know as piles of unsorted stuff or archaeological dig sites.)  I've tried both loose leaf and spiral notebooks to keep lists in.  Each has its advantages.
• I keep lists on my computer
• I keep lists on-line
• I keep lists at my yahoo calendar
• I keep lists in my journal
• I keep lists in my PDA
• I write notes to myself on scraps of paper and promptly lose them,or some of them.
• I keep lists in my head.  This works very poorly as I promptly forget anything but the most appealing items.
• I sometimes make lists for my husband and son--they aren't very task oriented sometimes.  But it's not up to me to take their inventory.  But things need to be done.  Sigh.
  

OK, like I said, I have no answers, only questions.  Like HELP!  How can I do it better and make it work?

At New Year's and at my birthday and randomly throughout the year, I like to look at how I am progressing toward my goals.  Usually not very well, but I've always made some progress.  Then I reevaluate my goals, set new subgoals and priorities, and march forward.  And promptly get distracted by a variety of mew projects or old projects newly surfacing and rearing their tempting heads.  For example, I have multiple books in progress, poetry books, novels, children's novels, children's picture books.  One goal is to complete each of these in turn and send them off to publishers.  Another goal is to unpack from my not-so recent move.  I try to alternate between these tasks, as otherwise I would only play (eg: do art).  So I was unpacking a box from my move and found an old manuscript.  We were just leaving on vacation and I spent my spare vacation time writing new chapters to this old manuscript rather than working on one of my nearly finished works.

OK, I am not finding any solutions here.

Here are (some of) my goals: 

1. to be as healthy as possible and take the best possible care of myself
2. to take good care of my mind if possible (my mother had dementia)
3. to be a loving partner and mother and friend
4. to finish my novels, poetry manuscripts and other projects in an orderly way and send them out
5. to create a sense of order and a pleasing environment for myself and my family (that will never happen at the rate I'm going!)

 There are (some of the) subgoals to each of these:

1. eat right (a major problem), get sufficient exercise, sleep well (a major problem for me), rest, play, work in balance
2. use my mind creatively and for various problems, read, etc
3. take time for husband, son, friends
4. do the to-do lists associated with each project, in an orderly as possible way, starting with the ones most nearly completed
5. unpack and get rid of stuff!, clean and neaten

Of course there are lots of other goals, large and small, and ongoing things always cropping up that have to be factored in like my son's upcoming recitals and graduation, etc.  How to organize everything?  I have no answers.  AK!  I tend to feel overwhelmed and unworthy because I cannot seem to be able to orchestrate all this as I feel I should.  The evidence of my failure is all around me.  The world has expectations of me--and so do I!  How does one DO IT?

Simplify simplify simplify?  But the world and I keep trying to make things complicated and overwhelming!

First thing on my to-do list:  take a deep breath.  Change my clothes.  Take my son to Piano recital rehearsal.  Make dinner.  Something healthy.  Put one foot in front of the first.  Cram some exercise int here.  Try to get to bed at a reasonable time.  Stop blogging and start working.  (Blogging can be just another form of procrastination for me.)

Celebrating small successes, LOL (And KISS)

4th step note: I tend to be able to complicate anything, no matter how simple.

Take writing thank you notes, for example, for my birthday gifts.
Instead of buying a package of little tank you notes and jotting them
off, and getting back to work, I "have" to paint hand made ones for
each person individually so they will feel truly thanked and
cherished.

It's a slow process and keeps me from FIRST THINGS FIRST--doing my
work, cleaning etc.

But then I get confused about first things. Could creativity and
expressions of love sometimes actually BE the first thing?

When am I procrastinating and when am I doing something important.

Is blogging this, and asking this question just another procrastination?

Perhaps. But the blog could use a little picture. And I am
celebrating another small success--one thank you note completed.
Unfortunately, the mailman came JUST as I was finishing it
(literally!), so it will have to wait until tomorrow to go out.

I have a different way of expressing KISS: Keep it simple, SWEETIE! I can express it very nicely, but can I DO it? Aye, that is the question.

Celebrate Small Successes (Spring at Shangri-La)

Celebrate Small Successes I am a hard task -master to myself (and sometimes to others, though I don't mean to be.) I have high expectations, at least about certain things. But Sonja Lyubomirsky says, "Celebrate small successes. Celebrate steps along the way." She says, "Make a goal, and then make subgoals, and then, if necessary, subgoals of those. Celebrate each success, small, medium and large."

So, here is one of my goals: to complete and publish the Geraldine manuscripts. This is a cycle of poems about a retarded (brain damaged) girl/woman who I once knew. In order to complete the manuscript, I first have to finish writing all the poems as first drafts, and revise them.

The poems I am attempting to write are about pivotal points in Geraldine's life, as well as some representative daily poems. So, I am celebrating a small success by sharing this early (essentially first) draft of my new poem I just wrote this morning with you.

It is odd to start in the middle of the book, especially at such a pivotal point. So, before you read this poem, which remember, is not done yet, let me know if you would like to read the earlier poems FIRST so as not to spoil the surprise. LOL!

Anyways, I choose to be happy because this one tiny milestone in a vast huge larger project is completed--the first draft of a new poem.

I choose NOT to be discouraged by the fact that there are many more steps to go, but to take ONE DAY AT A TIME and do what needs to be done. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and I have already taken many steps (though many remain to be taken.)

Spring at Shangri-La (How Geraldine Returns to her Lifework, May 1990)

Aunt Geraldine places a ball of warm fluff in my cupped hand.
Tiny. Cheeping. She beams. In the box, eleven more. Ricky
stands proud at her side. Beaming too. Their faces shine like twin
headlamps in the dim coop. And Ricky, so oddly familiar.
I study him, puzzled. Geraldine adjusts the light
over the box, adds fresh water. Scoops out some messy shavings
and adds new. Slow, deliberate, careful. Chickens again,
her lifework, perhaps. Future eggs for the Home and neighbors.
Future dinners, too. Hard to imagine this mite as dinner.

I follow them out to the garden. Ricky's plot and Geraldine's
lie side by side in the patchwork of resident gardens.
Here is Grandma Ethel's plot, beside Geraldine's, on the other side.
Their three are the neatest. Their three have the most plants.
Tomatoes, squash, peas, beans, carrots. Potatoes. And more.
Lacy leaves, round leaves, hairy leaves. All small and newly
sprouted or planted and watered, from the look of them.
Some of the other plots have nothing but weeds.
Or a few straggly, wilted plants.

I wonder how Grandma Ethel works from her wheelchair
until Ricky confides that Geraldine does all three. He helps.
Sometimes, Grandma Ethel gets pushed out to supervise.
Today, she is inside playing bridge with Marjorie, Ellie,
and other residents. Her memory for card games has survived
her dementia so far. Strange workings of the mind.

Now we head out beyond the gardens. I follow Geraldine
and Ricky follows me. We walk single file down the narrow
path between the long rows of baby corn plants. This row
is well-trodden. They've been here before. Geraldine walks
with amazing grace and spryness for her size. She seems
to be getting younger. The house, barns, coops and woodshed
recede, grow evermore distant, lost in vast flat fields.
The hugeness of space here no longer feels as barren as it did
in snow. We walk and walk. Now through a wheat field. Now
through oats. A field of alfalfa. Another of corn. Woods loom ahead.

Ashes oaks and cherries are bare, maples have tiny leaves.
The forest floor is a sea of trilliums and other wildflowers.
We sit on a glacial erratic to admire them. Aunt Geraldine
and Ricky smile and smile. Sun streams through the tiny leaves
overhead in rays though a faint mist in the trees. I think I hear
the angels again, but perhaps it is only the birds. Geraldine
and Ricky hold hands and look at me shyly. "Al, we want
to get married," Ricky says. "Marjorie says we can, if you let us."

Mary Stebbins Taitt

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-------this line and everything below this line is not part of the poem------ 080604-0929-1b (Keith, earlier drafts, in "current work" looseleaf.)

First things FIRST! I need to EAT breakfast. I started this first today.