Forgiveness. I have begun to read it, but life has been busy and I
haven't gotten very far yet.
I wanted to share a personal story.
I don't have time to write it all right now. But since I don't know
when I will, I will write some of it.
My first husband, let us call him PIUS, used to to beat me. He was
physically abusive and hurt me frequently. He was also emotionally
and spiritually abusive, controlling and sometimes mean. I used to
run away and he would find me and hit me over and over. These words
do not begin to tell what terror I lived in. He told me if I left
him, he would come and find me and kill me, and I believed him and was
afraid to go.
A few years ago, he wrote and asked if I would forgive him.
My first impulse was to say no. How could I forgive what he had done?
He not only physically, emotionally and spiritually hurt me, but he
affected how I view men, and the relationships I am able to have with
them. I am still "damaged" by our marriage and the way he treated me.
I told him I would think about it.
Late I told him I would try to forgive him.
But while I was reading the book, I felt driven to truly forgive him.
I wrote and asked him to forgive me for my part in our troubles,
wondered if I had already asked, and told him I forgave him.
This is what he said:
"You never asked, No.
We were young and foolish. I never didn't forgive you and
never held it against you.
I always felt bad about the things I did. Like stopping you from chanting
NamYoHoRengekyo which I have been doing since
1981. And many other things which were almost unforgivable and took
many years to grow out of.
Thank you and please accept my most sincere apologies for the
hurt, disregard, disrespect and anguish."
I feel a great sadness, I feel tears, and I feel lighter. But this has been many years in coming. I was 19 then. I am 62 now.
Forgiving and asking forgiveness is part of the work of the twelve steps. It is hard hard work, but the results are worthwhile! If you are interested in joining a group on forgiveness, please let me know!
haven't gotten very far yet.
I wanted to share a personal story.
I don't have time to write it all right now. But since I don't know
when I will, I will write some of it.
My first husband, let us call him PIUS, used to to beat me. He was
physically abusive and hurt me frequently. He was also emotionally
and spiritually abusive, controlling and sometimes mean. I used to
run away and he would find me and hit me over and over. These words
do not begin to tell what terror I lived in. He told me if I left
him, he would come and find me and kill me, and I believed him and was
afraid to go.
A few years ago, he wrote and asked if I would forgive him.
My first impulse was to say no. How could I forgive what he had done?
He not only physically, emotionally and spiritually hurt me, but he
affected how I view men, and the relationships I am able to have with
them. I am still "damaged" by our marriage and the way he treated me.
I told him I would think about it.
Late I told him I would try to forgive him.
But while I was reading the book, I felt driven to truly forgive him.
I wrote and asked him to forgive me for my part in our troubles,
wondered if I had already asked, and told him I forgave him.
This is what he said:
"You never asked, No.
We were young and foolish. I never didn't forgive you and
never held it against you.
I always felt bad about the things I did. Like stopping you from chanting
NamYoHoRengekyo which I have been doing since
1981. And many other things which were almost unforgivable and took
many years to grow out of.
Thank you and please accept my most sincere apologies for the
hurt, disregard, disrespect and anguish."
I feel a great sadness, I feel tears, and I feel lighter. But this has been many years in coming. I was 19 then. I am 62 now.
Forgiving and asking forgiveness is part of the work of the twelve steps. It is hard hard work, but the results are worthwhile! If you are interested in joining a group on forgiveness, please let me know!
1 comment:
Wow! Sometimes I wonder if we ever really recover from the "damage" of abuse. Animals/pets are very forgiving creatures, but one that has been abused is never the same.
When I read this the first time, I thought, "I wonder if I ever apologized to my dad for the things I did?" I know that he knows I'm sorry for what I did, and I know he's forgiven me. I just can't remember if I ever actually asked for forgiveness.
Do you feel a sense of closure on this chapter of your life now?
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