- I'm thankful for the raw food group meeting tomorrow.
- For this blog, and Mary's suggestion of doing a gratitude list weekly.
- For the life coaching challenges I'm working on, because it's really helped to pull me out of a low place this week.
- For therapy, because it's helping me to learn how to ask for help with dignity.
- And new to this week, a new client that I started working with today. She has some health problems, one of which is sore lymph nodes. I was able to show her how to relieve that, and she was so excited, that it made my day.
- For the beautiful weather this week, so I could work my clients out at the park, where I get to work out with them, which always makes me feel better.
- For all the free time I've had today for "me time".
- And the thing that I'm most thankful for this week is this morning's random scripture: Isa. 54:4 "Do not be afraid for you will not be put to shame, and do not be humiliated for you will not be disappointed. For you will forget even the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your continuous widowhood you will remember no more." I cried.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Gratitude List 4-30-08
Looking back at the gratitude list I made 2 weeks ago, I realized that the same things are still very important to me.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Gratitude List for Monday, 4-28-08
I think I am going to switch my weekly gratitude List to Mondays becasue I am usually too busy on Sundays. I chose Sundays because it is an extra spiritual day of sorts, a day supposedly of rest and contemplation. But it's the only day HC is home from work most weeks, and we have a lot of catching up to do.
This week, I am grateful for:
I have to go, but may revisit this later if I have time.
This week, I am grateful for:
- my children--today is one of their birthdays! YAY! The greatest joy of my life is when they were born and I held them in my arms.
- the fact that HC* had TWO days off instead of one and that we enjoyed each other's company
- TWO nice weekend days for biking and hiking and we went places both days with wonderful spring wildflowers and enjoyed them and took pictures, walked, relaxed together and enjoyed the lovely scenery.
- the Black river (Where we hiked Saturday)
- Dodge Park (Where we hiked Sunday)
- wildflowers
- trees
- friends
- HC, TB
- improving health, smaller jeans
- poetry class
- art class
- sunny days--to enjoy
- rainy days--for the plants and to get things done
- warm days
- cool days
- variety
- good healthy food
I have to go, but may revisit this later if I have time.
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Saturday, April 26, 2008
Turning Things Over To A Higher Power
I've been trying to work on the third step. After falling apart emotionally when I failed again to get my taxes done, I decided that I'm not able to do this on my own. I need help from a higher Power to restore my sanity. I'm really having a difficult time with turning my life over to someone else, though. It's so hard to believe that there is a god that will direct my life in a way that will bring me happiness and peace of mind. I have this fear of being led down some difficult path of self denial with barely enough support to keep me from sinking into despair. Why do I view God this way? I know that's not what the Bible teaches. I've come to the conclusion that it's because that is all I've ever known.
All my life, I have pushed my feelings of hurt and anger down, because I understand why my family does the things they do to me, and I want to be bigger than the hurt and anger, so I can love and forgive them. I also understand that they don't understand me, don't seem capable of understanding me, and would never intentionally try to hurt me. But, they do hurt me, and pushing those feelings down has become like pushing a spring down. The more anger and hurt that I have to push down, the greater the tension on the spring.
Back in 2005, that spring broke. Feelings of anger and hurt went everywhere. They went into my joints, my kidneys, and my immune system forcing it to attack my own cells. It was about four years after my husband died. I was working two jobs, and taking care of my mother who had Alzheimer's. It was too much for me, so I went to my family for help. I remember telling my dad I couldn't do it anymore, I needed help. He thought I was over reacting. How hard can it be to give her medicine, and make an occasional call to a case worker?
Well, it was a lot more involved than that. I had to straighten out her finances [because she had gotten so confused about them before I took over], refinance her house, pay her bills, take her to doctors, get her groceries, and fight with Medicaid to get her in-home care. This was the easy part. The hard part was the phone calls at work when she was scared, angry, or confused, when she was messing with the hot water heater in the garage, and when she was bored and didn't want to wait for the aid to go for a walk. There was nothing I could do. My dad's suggestion was to give up my house, and move in with her, I guess so I wouldn't have to work two jobs. It didn't matter that I would have to give up everything that was my own. I was supposed to trust the family to take care of me. I didn't have a high paying career, or a wife and kid, so I was the most logical one to sacrifice among the siblings. "Just hang in there. You can do it. Your family will be there for you", he said.
I got help when it was convenient for them, but not enough to keep me from sinking into despair. One day I came home from work, and found my mother sitting in the dark, scared and confused. I had forgotten to pay the electric bill. I took her back to my house, and prepared the hide-a-bed downstairs for her, since she was unable to climb stairs because of her knees. I then went upstairs, and tied a plastic bag over my head. I had been so caught up in my own misery, that I had failed her. I knew no other way to get help. I figured that if I were dead, my family would be forced to get her proper care. The reason why I didn't die that night was because my roommate knocked on the door to tell me that my mother was trying to climb the stairs, and I was afraid of her falling. I pushed down my feelings one more time, so that I could keep her safe. I never got any answers, help, or relief. I just "hung in there". Not long after that, I started having pain in my joints, fatigue, and other health problems. I believe this is when my spring broke. Now, every little stress in life makes me ill.
In July of '05, I had to quit one of my jobs. I wasn't physically capable of holding two jobs anymore, and the new case worker discontinued my mother's in home care, so there would be no more visits from the aid for a couple of hours each day. My mother's cognitive abilities dramatically worsened after that, to the point where I felt it was no longer safe to leave her alone. I had to put her in a nursing home. I had no help in making this decision, or in finding a nursing home. There was no one who had spent enough time with her, to be of any help. It was just the two of us, the day she went in. The look on her face made every inch of my body ache. I felt like I had let her down. She was nowhere near as bad as the other people in this place. It took every ounce of energy to keep from crying, stuff the pain down, and be strong for her. I felt so alone.
In the spring of '06, I had to sell my mother's house. My dad hired lawyers to help, with the idea that he would get paid back upon it's sale. I spent months organizing paper work, meetings, and phone calls with banks, lawyers, mortgage companies, and title companies, so that my dad could get $25,000 from the sale for helping my mother out financially over the years, and my sister could get a house for a ridiculously cheap price. Then there were all the hoops to jump through for the nursing home and Medicaid. All I got was sicker. In the midst of all of this, I managed to get my mother's taxes done, but not my own. Again, I told my dad that this was too much for me, and he said, "don't worry, it'll all be over with soon."
Well, when that was over with, Social Security stopped sending my mother's checks, and her medical insurance discontinued her, because in spite of repeated attempts to get the address changed, they kept sending the bills to the wrong address. The nursing home was talking about eviction, and I was overwhelmed. My family thought I was over reacting, but by the end of '06, they finally started to see that my health was being affected, and that it wasn't just depression anymore [as if depression wasn't bad enough].
Early in '07, my sister arranged with her job to move back here and help me. She helped me with the medical insurance, and Social Security figured out their mistake, but again, I didn't get my taxes done, and this time I didn't get my mother's done either. By June of '07, my dad, because he was worried about my health, offered to pay for therapy, and to help me out financially with a set limit and the idea that I'd eventually pay him back.
By the end of '07, I decided to trust my family to be there for me. Because of problems with the people I was working for, and my uncle's illness, I decided to move out of my house and into my sister's. At the time, it felt like I was making the right decision. I spent January helping to take care of my uncle, and the last three months focusing on my therapy. I'm about to reach the limit that was set for me financially, so I don't have much time. I need to make the most of it, and these three months have been very helpful. It's not been enough, though. To make matters worse, last week after yoga, my sister wanted an accounting from me of what I've been doing for the last three months, because she feels like she's enabling me to be lazy and depressed. This is nothing new. I've always been treated like I'm weak and given to self pity. I can't ask for help without being judged, and they wonder why I don't ask. I feel, if she was sincerely interested in what I've been learning, she would have made an extra effort to spend time with me to hear about it. I usually hear from her when she needs someone to talk to.
I don't believe that I deserved to be treated like that, and told her so. She apologized, but she still doesn't understand, and probably isn't able to. I'm very uncomfortable with her help. Right now, I'm not strong enough to ignore her judgemental platitudes. I need to find another place to live, but don't make enough to support myself. There's a possibility that I could lose my home to the IRS, since I'm not living in it anymore, and I'm in debt up to my ears to my father with no possibilities of being able to pay him back. I think that I may have been wrong to rely on my family for help. I think it's unreasonable to expect me to be over what I've been through for the last seven years in just nine months of therapy. I don't know how I'm going to survive or make a better future for myself. I feel guilty for getting myself into this situation, and ineffectual for getting myself out. I need help.
The Wings Challenges that I've been working on are supposed to help me find a way within myself to make my hopes for the future a reality. I've been stuck on the fifth challenge which is to change something I'm uncomfortable with, like my inability to file my tax returns. So, I decided to pick another from my list, "my lack of spirituality", which goes along with working the third step. I'm supposed to list the actions I need to take to bring about this change. I listed pray and read the Bible. Next, I'm supposed to list my fears associated with these actions. Here's where I really had to think. What's stopping me from reading the Bible? I think I'm afraid of finding a bunch of judgemental platitudes exposing my weaknesses and how I fall short. Intellectually, I know that's not what the Bible is all about, and that God does not expect perfection. Why am I afraid to pray? I think it's because I feel hypocritical. I don't think I can be what I think He expects me to be, and so my heart is not in it. Again, intellectually I know that He's not like my family. He understands my limitations and knows my heart, so He would not be unreasonable in His expectations of me, yet I struggle with believing it. Finally, I'm supposed to write a positive scenario associated with these actions. I wrote that I would come to believe what I know about God, that He would help me to have the right heart, and that I would find the scriptures I would need to encourage me. My plan is to randomly open the Bible each morning, and read the first scripture my eyes were drawn to. Then each evening, write in my journal something positive associated with that scripture.
I started last Monday. Every day, the scriptures have been about "keep searching", rely on God, and be patient. Thursday, when I felt like I couldn't make it through the day, it was about how He gives us energy. Saturday's gave me the chills, and inspired me to write this post. "He that is walking with wise ones will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly." Prov. 13:20. What is He trying to tell me? When I went back to it, the Bible was open to Prov. 3:5 "... do not lean upon your own understanding." I feel like I need to get away from my family. Am I leaning on my own understanding? This third step is very complicated. In order to turn our lives over to Him, we have to come to understand Him.
All my life, I have pushed my feelings of hurt and anger down, because I understand why my family does the things they do to me, and I want to be bigger than the hurt and anger, so I can love and forgive them. I also understand that they don't understand me, don't seem capable of understanding me, and would never intentionally try to hurt me. But, they do hurt me, and pushing those feelings down has become like pushing a spring down. The more anger and hurt that I have to push down, the greater the tension on the spring.
Back in 2005, that spring broke. Feelings of anger and hurt went everywhere. They went into my joints, my kidneys, and my immune system forcing it to attack my own cells. It was about four years after my husband died. I was working two jobs, and taking care of my mother who had Alzheimer's. It was too much for me, so I went to my family for help. I remember telling my dad I couldn't do it anymore, I needed help. He thought I was over reacting. How hard can it be to give her medicine, and make an occasional call to a case worker?
Well, it was a lot more involved than that. I had to straighten out her finances [because she had gotten so confused about them before I took over], refinance her house, pay her bills, take her to doctors, get her groceries, and fight with Medicaid to get her in-home care. This was the easy part. The hard part was the phone calls at work when she was scared, angry, or confused, when she was messing with the hot water heater in the garage, and when she was bored and didn't want to wait for the aid to go for a walk. There was nothing I could do. My dad's suggestion was to give up my house, and move in with her, I guess so I wouldn't have to work two jobs. It didn't matter that I would have to give up everything that was my own. I was supposed to trust the family to take care of me. I didn't have a high paying career, or a wife and kid, so I was the most logical one to sacrifice among the siblings. "Just hang in there. You can do it. Your family will be there for you", he said.
I got help when it was convenient for them, but not enough to keep me from sinking into despair. One day I came home from work, and found my mother sitting in the dark, scared and confused. I had forgotten to pay the electric bill. I took her back to my house, and prepared the hide-a-bed downstairs for her, since she was unable to climb stairs because of her knees. I then went upstairs, and tied a plastic bag over my head. I had been so caught up in my own misery, that I had failed her. I knew no other way to get help. I figured that if I were dead, my family would be forced to get her proper care. The reason why I didn't die that night was because my roommate knocked on the door to tell me that my mother was trying to climb the stairs, and I was afraid of her falling. I pushed down my feelings one more time, so that I could keep her safe. I never got any answers, help, or relief. I just "hung in there". Not long after that, I started having pain in my joints, fatigue, and other health problems. I believe this is when my spring broke. Now, every little stress in life makes me ill.
In July of '05, I had to quit one of my jobs. I wasn't physically capable of holding two jobs anymore, and the new case worker discontinued my mother's in home care, so there would be no more visits from the aid for a couple of hours each day. My mother's cognitive abilities dramatically worsened after that, to the point where I felt it was no longer safe to leave her alone. I had to put her in a nursing home. I had no help in making this decision, or in finding a nursing home. There was no one who had spent enough time with her, to be of any help. It was just the two of us, the day she went in. The look on her face made every inch of my body ache. I felt like I had let her down. She was nowhere near as bad as the other people in this place. It took every ounce of energy to keep from crying, stuff the pain down, and be strong for her. I felt so alone.
In the spring of '06, I had to sell my mother's house. My dad hired lawyers to help, with the idea that he would get paid back upon it's sale. I spent months organizing paper work, meetings, and phone calls with banks, lawyers, mortgage companies, and title companies, so that my dad could get $25,000 from the sale for helping my mother out financially over the years, and my sister could get a house for a ridiculously cheap price. Then there were all the hoops to jump through for the nursing home and Medicaid. All I got was sicker. In the midst of all of this, I managed to get my mother's taxes done, but not my own. Again, I told my dad that this was too much for me, and he said, "don't worry, it'll all be over with soon."
Well, when that was over with, Social Security stopped sending my mother's checks, and her medical insurance discontinued her, because in spite of repeated attempts to get the address changed, they kept sending the bills to the wrong address. The nursing home was talking about eviction, and I was overwhelmed. My family thought I was over reacting, but by the end of '06, they finally started to see that my health was being affected, and that it wasn't just depression anymore [as if depression wasn't bad enough].
Early in '07, my sister arranged with her job to move back here and help me. She helped me with the medical insurance, and Social Security figured out their mistake, but again, I didn't get my taxes done, and this time I didn't get my mother's done either. By June of '07, my dad, because he was worried about my health, offered to pay for therapy, and to help me out financially with a set limit and the idea that I'd eventually pay him back.
By the end of '07, I decided to trust my family to be there for me. Because of problems with the people I was working for, and my uncle's illness, I decided to move out of my house and into my sister's. At the time, it felt like I was making the right decision. I spent January helping to take care of my uncle, and the last three months focusing on my therapy. I'm about to reach the limit that was set for me financially, so I don't have much time. I need to make the most of it, and these three months have been very helpful. It's not been enough, though. To make matters worse, last week after yoga, my sister wanted an accounting from me of what I've been doing for the last three months, because she feels like she's enabling me to be lazy and depressed. This is nothing new. I've always been treated like I'm weak and given to self pity. I can't ask for help without being judged, and they wonder why I don't ask. I feel, if she was sincerely interested in what I've been learning, she would have made an extra effort to spend time with me to hear about it. I usually hear from her when she needs someone to talk to.
I don't believe that I deserved to be treated like that, and told her so. She apologized, but she still doesn't understand, and probably isn't able to. I'm very uncomfortable with her help. Right now, I'm not strong enough to ignore her judgemental platitudes. I need to find another place to live, but don't make enough to support myself. There's a possibility that I could lose my home to the IRS, since I'm not living in it anymore, and I'm in debt up to my ears to my father with no possibilities of being able to pay him back. I think that I may have been wrong to rely on my family for help. I think it's unreasonable to expect me to be over what I've been through for the last seven years in just nine months of therapy. I don't know how I'm going to survive or make a better future for myself. I feel guilty for getting myself into this situation, and ineffectual for getting myself out. I need help.
The Wings Challenges that I've been working on are supposed to help me find a way within myself to make my hopes for the future a reality. I've been stuck on the fifth challenge which is to change something I'm uncomfortable with, like my inability to file my tax returns. So, I decided to pick another from my list, "my lack of spirituality", which goes along with working the third step. I'm supposed to list the actions I need to take to bring about this change. I listed pray and read the Bible. Next, I'm supposed to list my fears associated with these actions. Here's where I really had to think. What's stopping me from reading the Bible? I think I'm afraid of finding a bunch of judgemental platitudes exposing my weaknesses and how I fall short. Intellectually, I know that's not what the Bible is all about, and that God does not expect perfection. Why am I afraid to pray? I think it's because I feel hypocritical. I don't think I can be what I think He expects me to be, and so my heart is not in it. Again, intellectually I know that He's not like my family. He understands my limitations and knows my heart, so He would not be unreasonable in His expectations of me, yet I struggle with believing it. Finally, I'm supposed to write a positive scenario associated with these actions. I wrote that I would come to believe what I know about God, that He would help me to have the right heart, and that I would find the scriptures I would need to encourage me. My plan is to randomly open the Bible each morning, and read the first scripture my eyes were drawn to. Then each evening, write in my journal something positive associated with that scripture.
I started last Monday. Every day, the scriptures have been about "keep searching", rely on God, and be patient. Thursday, when I felt like I couldn't make it through the day, it was about how He gives us energy. Saturday's gave me the chills, and inspired me to write this post. "He that is walking with wise ones will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly." Prov. 13:20. What is He trying to tell me? When I went back to it, the Bible was open to Prov. 3:5 "... do not lean upon your own understanding." I feel like I need to get away from my family. Am I leaning on my own understanding? This third step is very complicated. In order to turn our lives over to Him, we have to come to understand Him.
Re: New jeans, diet report
The wings aren't causing the plateau which has lasted a while--they were the first wings I've had in over a year. And while wings may be a little fattening, they are easy to recover from.
My eating plan contains various elements:
I have lost 33 pounds
My eating plan contains various elements:
- diet is different than abstinence.
- I have a regular allergy diet--avoid foods I am allergic to: milk, dairy, soy, nuts, peanuts, etc
- I have an addictive allergy diet, called abstinence. This means avoiding totally anything I have an addictive allergy to: sugar, white flour, alcohol. (These are difficult to recover from, because of their addictive qualities!)
- and I have a losing weight diet:
- small portions of meat, fish, poultry (3-4 oz)
- avoid snack foods
- small portions of whole grains
I have lost 33 pounds
On Fri, Apr 25, 2008 at 12:04 PM, Heidi wrote:
Wings? You were worried about the beer, and you had wings for dinner?Hmmm... I'm thinking I know why you are "plateaued." ;-)Are wings on your "abstinence" diet? I guess I don't understand your specific diet, which I know is very unusual because of your food allergies... but still, honestly, I think 4 chicken wings are the equivalent my entire day's calorie intake! Chicken skin is all fat, pretty much. All this aside, you are still doing WONDERFULLY!!!!!! What is your total pounds lost for the year? I'm guessing more than 30 lbs., which is FABULOUS... especially if you can keep it off! A size smaller in pants is proof that you are having much success. I laughed when you said you still look old & fat. Dieting is not going to change your age. But as you get smaller and can exercise more easily, the "fat" look will go away and you'll be more energetic, in less pain, etc. You will FEEL younger! That counts for everything... not too mention, you'll stand to gain a longer, healthier, active life! You are doing GREAT.
Friday, April 25, 2008
New jeans, diet report
Fridays are my official weigh-in days, and I am up one tenth of a pound from last week, and down from the week before. While a tenth of a pound isn't much one way or the other, the trend lately has been a bit of a plateau. I want to jump start losing again! One thing is: I had three meals yesterday. I had terrible insomnia and was up ALL NIGHT and got hungry and ate an additional small meal--at least it was a healthy one and not a "bad" one. And small. I think I had a fully abstinent day yesterday, that is, I ate nothing I wasn't supposed to eat. OOps, nope, I had a bottle of beer with my wings, The wings (and beer) were probably responsible for the all-night insomnia. OK, never mind.
That was because we went to Piano Boy's meet, but got there late because he told us the wrong location and missed his run, which is just as well, because he injured himself and came in last and lost his varsity status. So we went out for pizza and wings, AK, because by then it was late. (And Piano Boy's injury is interfering with piano.)
But the small piece of good news is that I bought two pairs of Carhardtt jeans last night, and they were a size smaller than I've been waring and fit me fine.. The others had gotten too loose (LaTrec). I do not look a bit different, I look fat and old, but hey, smaller jeans are something good, right?
Lots of flowers here now! YAY! Tulips and daffodils and hyacinths and forsythia and violets everywhere and two kinds of trout lilies and hepaticas etc etc. YAY! Turtles out and frogs out--no snakes yet! Sunshine and rain and spring-like weather. Wahoo!
That was because we went to Piano Boy's meet, but got there late because he told us the wrong location and missed his run, which is just as well, because he injured himself and came in last and lost his varsity status. So we went out for pizza and wings, AK, because by then it was late. (And Piano Boy's injury is interfering with piano.)
But the small piece of good news is that I bought two pairs of Carhardtt jeans last night, and they were a size smaller than I've been waring and fit me fine.. The others had gotten too loose (LaTrec). I do not look a bit different, I look fat and old, but hey, smaller jeans are something good, right?
Lots of flowers here now! YAY! Tulips and daffodils and hyacinths and forsythia and violets everywhere and two kinds of trout lilies and hepaticas etc etc. YAY! Turtles out and frogs out--no snakes yet! Sunshine and rain and spring-like weather. Wahoo!
Friday, April 18, 2008
My Gratitude List
I'm still pretty depressed today, so I decided I need to work on my gratitude list.
- I'm grateful for the all raw food group that I belong to, and for our discussion yesterday which was about how we have to focus on the positive, and change the way we see ourselves into a more positive image of what we want to be. We talked about how the kind of food we eat greatly affects how we think.
- I'm grateful for the Wings Challenge I'm participating in, because it's teaching me how to focus on the positive, and change how I see myself.
- I'm grateful for this blog, because it seems to be focusing on the same things, and I don't believe that all these things are coming into my life at this time by accident.
- My therapy, too, seems to be focusing on changing how I see myself, and looking to God for help, which coincides with the my realizing that I need to work on the third step.
He, he, he. I guess I'm one of those people you have to hit over the head to make a point [in 4 or 5 different ways;]]. I know I need all of this right now, but it sure seems self absorbed. I'm just thankful that I have the time to work on all of this right now.
HALT!!!
HALT!
Darn!
Hungry Angry Lonely Tired! Be careful. Stop! Pay attention. Be vigilant!
I have ADHD. It's a form of ADHD which I guess is fairly common where I have particular trouble transitioning from one activity to the next. I'm extremely distractable while between, but once I get going, I an have enormous powers of concentration. Taking that first step is crucial. Or, conversely, avoiding that first step.
Today, I got busy on a project as I often do and "forgot" to eat. I didn't really forget, but I was busy and just kept postponing it.
Add to the mix TIREDness from really bad insomnia last night, and loneliness from lack of friends and company since I moved here, and that's an explosive and dangerous mix!
Sure enough, when I finally did eat, I couldn't stop--I was so hungry. I scarfed down the breakfast I had planned and then, without even taking a breath, scarfed down the lunch I had planned. If was after lunch time and I ate no "bad" food (nothing I'm allergic to as far as I know). My food was abstinent, but my behavior was not. And my total food consumption per unit time was too much too fast.
I need to try not to let myself get that hungry by eating at appropriate times. For some reason, I have a problem with this. AK!
Now I feel stuffed, uncomfortable and bummed out.
Last night, I had bad insomnia and was up during the night and at one of my trigger/abstinent foods: raw biscuit dough--soemthing I love to gorge myself on. It's the first time I've done that in a while, but I didn't have very much. Thank goodness. I didn't really binge. A slip and a binge aren't the same, and binges are much worse. Still, no slips are much better. My addictions are feeling threatened by my working the twelve steps! LOL!
Darn!
Hungry Angry Lonely Tired! Be careful. Stop! Pay attention. Be vigilant!
I have ADHD. It's a form of ADHD which I guess is fairly common where I have particular trouble transitioning from one activity to the next. I'm extremely distractable while between, but once I get going, I an have enormous powers of concentration. Taking that first step is crucial. Or, conversely, avoiding that first step.
Today, I got busy on a project as I often do and "forgot" to eat. I didn't really forget, but I was busy and just kept postponing it.
Add to the mix TIREDness from really bad insomnia last night, and loneliness from lack of friends and company since I moved here, and that's an explosive and dangerous mix!
Sure enough, when I finally did eat, I couldn't stop--I was so hungry. I scarfed down the breakfast I had planned and then, without even taking a breath, scarfed down the lunch I had planned. If was after lunch time and I ate no "bad" food (nothing I'm allergic to as far as I know). My food was abstinent, but my behavior was not. And my total food consumption per unit time was too much too fast.
I need to try not to let myself get that hungry by eating at appropriate times. For some reason, I have a problem with this. AK!
Now I feel stuffed, uncomfortable and bummed out.
Last night, I had bad insomnia and was up during the night and at one of my trigger/abstinent foods: raw biscuit dough--soemthing I love to gorge myself on. It's the first time I've done that in a while, but I didn't have very much. Thank goodness. I didn't really binge. A slip and a binge aren't the same, and binges are much worse. Still, no slips are much better. My addictions are feeling threatened by my working the twelve steps! LOL!
The Ongoing Struggle
am trying to remember: One day at a time.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Self Abuse
I am powerless over any kind of stimulant, and if taken in any form, my life will become unmanageable. I have known this to some degree, since I was 15 years old, so why would the first step be hard for me? Because, I did not understand why. I did not know I was an addict. I did not know you could get addicted to speed. I thought you had to stay high all the time, before you could get addicted to a drug, and speed was a drug you couldn't do all the time. You had to come down, and let your body rest.
I was 13 when I first started doing speed. I started with the usual black market caffeine pills, and quickly advanced to crystal meth. I think I was still 13 the first time I did "crank" [as we called it] intravenously. At the age of 15, I got strung out. I didn't know what "strung out" meant. A friend explained it to me in this way: "You can't get high for a couple of months. You have to let your body rest, or you won't get the rush anymore." She made it sound simple enough, but I couldn't imagine going two whole months without speed. Towards the end of the two months, I tried to commit suicide, and my parents had me hospitalized. I never connected the suicide attempt with the drugs, because I had been off of them for 2 months. All the anti drug movies shown to us in school made withdrawal look like something that could kill you, and I never went through anything like that. In the hospital, I was treated for depression. I was told I had a chemical imbalance that seem to run in the family, and put on antidepressants. Drug addiction was never discussed, so when I left the hospital, I knew that I could not do drugs anymore, but I believed it was because I had a chemical imbalance, and the drugs would make my depression worse. I struggled with the addiction for 3 more years, before I finally decided that this was not how I wanted to live my life, left the people that I was getting it from, and never went back. Still, I did not know that speed was addicting, or that I was an addict.
Later, in my twenties, I learned that speed was in fact addicting, but still didn't see myself as an addict. In my thirties, a therapist told me that I was an untreated addict, and would benefit from working the 12 steps. It seemed ridiculous to me at the time. How could I admit that I'm powerless over something I had quit when I was 18 years old? I obviously had enough power to quit. Since then, I began to notice that any kind of stimulant, even chocolate or decongestants, had the same effect as the speed. I could never get enough, my life would become very obviously unmanageable, and my depression would soar out of control. So, I am powerless, in that I can never do any kind of stimulant ever again.
I can't remember the last time I have had any stimulants, so I wondered how it was that I have been able to quit successfully. Is it because, unknowingly, I began working the the 12 steps in my own way back when I was 15, when I first admitted that speed was a problem, even though I didn't know why? Not long after quitting, I began to study the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses. I also began to look into many other religions as well. I think that without the drugs, I must have instinctively began looking for a higher power. It was at that time, in my early twenties, that I came to believe there was definitely a higher power that could restore my sanity. I just didn't know why my sanity needed restoring.
I thought I was turning my life over to Him back then, but I realize now that I have never been successful with the third step. My therapy now is helping me to realize, that even though I know God is loving and forgiving, it's hard for me to see Him that way, when my picture of a father figure is demanding and controlling. I also have trouble with asking for forgiveness, when I've been unable to forgive myself, and thus feel unworthy of it. So, I've been working on forgiving myself, seeing myself as worthy of forgiveness, and letting go of the anger at myself for being so weak.
About a month ago, I began writing a book about my life, in an attempt to let go of the past. I have written about the first 15 years of my life. While writing it, memories of anger, that I had long forgotten about, came back to me. Anger that my body has been hanging onto, even though I had forgotten. It stirred up a hornet's nest of pain in my joints. I stopped writing, because I thought it was making my rheumatoid arthritis [RA] worse, but then I realized it wasn't the writing. It was because, for the first time, I started to see myself as an angry person. I had always seen myself as depressed, not angry, but depression is anger turned inward. This is how I learned that I need to be working on forgiving myself. Anger is a form of fear, so to forgive myself, I need to face the fears.
The past few days, I've been trying to face one of these fears, failure. I have failed for the past 3 years to get my mom's and my taxes done. I don't have the money to pay them, but I was determined to get them filed, and work out a payment plan. This has not been an easy step for me, because I've been so angry at myself for being so stupid about this, and this anger has literally frozen me in my tracks every time I try to do something about it. Not yesterday. I made up my mind, gathered my files, drove around town in search of free help, and waited in line for an hour. I was the last person they would take. They turned everyone else away. I sat down in front of the smiling elderly gentleman, pulled out my files, and couldn't find my 1099. Not only that, I couldn't find anything for my mom on 2007. I just started crying. I felt like such a fool. I apologized for wasting his time, and rushed out of there before I started bawling. I searched for these forms when I got home, but with no luck. I spent the rest of the day in bed. Skipped yoga. Didn't eat. Just cried and slept. Didn't eat this morning, either, which is not good for hypoglycemia. Didn't get out of bed until 10:30. A friend of mine came by to take me to lunch. I didn't want to go. I just can't seem to make myself eat when I get this depressed. She talked me into going by mentioning queso and Margaritas. The two worst things for me at the moment, cheese and alcohol [I think I mentioned before that dairy affects my RA]. I will really be hurting tomorrow. I failed again, and instead of turning to God for help, I beat myself up. I know He's been there guiding me, even though I don't ask for help. I think I really need to work on the third step.
I was 13 when I first started doing speed. I started with the usual black market caffeine pills, and quickly advanced to crystal meth. I think I was still 13 the first time I did "crank" [as we called it] intravenously. At the age of 15, I got strung out. I didn't know what "strung out" meant. A friend explained it to me in this way: "You can't get high for a couple of months. You have to let your body rest, or you won't get the rush anymore." She made it sound simple enough, but I couldn't imagine going two whole months without speed. Towards the end of the two months, I tried to commit suicide, and my parents had me hospitalized. I never connected the suicide attempt with the drugs, because I had been off of them for 2 months. All the anti drug movies shown to us in school made withdrawal look like something that could kill you, and I never went through anything like that. In the hospital, I was treated for depression. I was told I had a chemical imbalance that seem to run in the family, and put on antidepressants. Drug addiction was never discussed, so when I left the hospital, I knew that I could not do drugs anymore, but I believed it was because I had a chemical imbalance, and the drugs would make my depression worse. I struggled with the addiction for 3 more years, before I finally decided that this was not how I wanted to live my life, left the people that I was getting it from, and never went back. Still, I did not know that speed was addicting, or that I was an addict.
Later, in my twenties, I learned that speed was in fact addicting, but still didn't see myself as an addict. In my thirties, a therapist told me that I was an untreated addict, and would benefit from working the 12 steps. It seemed ridiculous to me at the time. How could I admit that I'm powerless over something I had quit when I was 18 years old? I obviously had enough power to quit. Since then, I began to notice that any kind of stimulant, even chocolate or decongestants, had the same effect as the speed. I could never get enough, my life would become very obviously unmanageable, and my depression would soar out of control. So, I am powerless, in that I can never do any kind of stimulant ever again.
I can't remember the last time I have had any stimulants, so I wondered how it was that I have been able to quit successfully. Is it because, unknowingly, I began working the the 12 steps in my own way back when I was 15, when I first admitted that speed was a problem, even though I didn't know why? Not long after quitting, I began to study the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses. I also began to look into many other religions as well. I think that without the drugs, I must have instinctively began looking for a higher power. It was at that time, in my early twenties, that I came to believe there was definitely a higher power that could restore my sanity. I just didn't know why my sanity needed restoring.
I thought I was turning my life over to Him back then, but I realize now that I have never been successful with the third step. My therapy now is helping me to realize, that even though I know God is loving and forgiving, it's hard for me to see Him that way, when my picture of a father figure is demanding and controlling. I also have trouble with asking for forgiveness, when I've been unable to forgive myself, and thus feel unworthy of it. So, I've been working on forgiving myself, seeing myself as worthy of forgiveness, and letting go of the anger at myself for being so weak.
About a month ago, I began writing a book about my life, in an attempt to let go of the past. I have written about the first 15 years of my life. While writing it, memories of anger, that I had long forgotten about, came back to me. Anger that my body has been hanging onto, even though I had forgotten. It stirred up a hornet's nest of pain in my joints. I stopped writing, because I thought it was making my rheumatoid arthritis [RA] worse, but then I realized it wasn't the writing. It was because, for the first time, I started to see myself as an angry person. I had always seen myself as depressed, not angry, but depression is anger turned inward. This is how I learned that I need to be working on forgiving myself. Anger is a form of fear, so to forgive myself, I need to face the fears.
The past few days, I've been trying to face one of these fears, failure. I have failed for the past 3 years to get my mom's and my taxes done. I don't have the money to pay them, but I was determined to get them filed, and work out a payment plan. This has not been an easy step for me, because I've been so angry at myself for being so stupid about this, and this anger has literally frozen me in my tracks every time I try to do something about it. Not yesterday. I made up my mind, gathered my files, drove around town in search of free help, and waited in line for an hour. I was the last person they would take. They turned everyone else away. I sat down in front of the smiling elderly gentleman, pulled out my files, and couldn't find my 1099. Not only that, I couldn't find anything for my mom on 2007. I just started crying. I felt like such a fool. I apologized for wasting his time, and rushed out of there before I started bawling. I searched for these forms when I got home, but with no luck. I spent the rest of the day in bed. Skipped yoga. Didn't eat. Just cried and slept. Didn't eat this morning, either, which is not good for hypoglycemia. Didn't get out of bed until 10:30. A friend of mine came by to take me to lunch. I didn't want to go. I just can't seem to make myself eat when I get this depressed. She talked me into going by mentioning queso and Margaritas. The two worst things for me at the moment, cheese and alcohol [I think I mentioned before that dairy affects my RA]. I will really be hurting tomorrow. I failed again, and instead of turning to God for help, I beat myself up. I know He's been there guiding me, even though I don't ask for help. I think I really need to work on the third step.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
sunshine
While this may seem overly obvious, I just want to say I am grateful for sunshine.
And spring flowers! YAY!
And spring flowers! YAY!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Hope Springeth Eternal
for renewal. For positive outcomes.
Discussion Topic: Another Recovery?
We all have another drunk/binge/bet left in us, but we don't know if we have another recovery.
In Old HomeTown, I used to attend OA meetings, al-anon meetings, and sometimes AA meetings. At one point, I had a nice recovery going. Something happened to my recovery that was partly but not entirely my fault. I was hiking alone in the woods and a bear got my food. I wasn't able to get it high enough in the trees--I thought I had, but I hadn't.
I had carefully packed abstinent food. Other hikers donated some food to tide me over to the next place where I could get food, but that food wasn't abstinent for me. And the truth is, since that time, I have never succeeded in getting entirely clean and abstinent in the food department. Earlier this year (January and February), I was almost there, but I slipped. And crashed. And can't seem to get back. I'm hovering on the edge of abstinence, but keep falling off, a common pattern for me.
I hope I have another recovery in me. I want to be lean, healthy, whole, and sane, and I can't be this way.
I need to take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, if necessary. And be abstinent this day, this hour, this minute. So far, so good today. I am abstinent today so far. I need to STAY that way.
In Old HomeTown, I used to attend OA meetings, al-anon meetings, and sometimes AA meetings. At one point, I had a nice recovery going. Something happened to my recovery that was partly but not entirely my fault. I was hiking alone in the woods and a bear got my food. I wasn't able to get it high enough in the trees--I thought I had, but I hadn't.
I had carefully packed abstinent food. Other hikers donated some food to tide me over to the next place where I could get food, but that food wasn't abstinent for me. And the truth is, since that time, I have never succeeded in getting entirely clean and abstinent in the food department. Earlier this year (January and February), I was almost there, but I slipped. And crashed. And can't seem to get back. I'm hovering on the edge of abstinence, but keep falling off, a common pattern for me.
I hope I have another recovery in me. I want to be lean, healthy, whole, and sane, and I can't be this way.
I need to take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, if necessary. And be abstinent this day, this hour, this minute. So far, so good today. I am abstinent today so far. I need to STAY that way.
PP/"Discussion/Meeting Topic:" One is too many and a hundred is not enough
I've read that people who are in the booze or food or betting or drugs are best off if they do not make that first bet or take that first drink. I know that's true of me and my eating.
Eating is not like drinking or gambling, in this respect: you have to eat to live. BUT, you do not have to eat those things that are triggers for binge eating, usually sugar and refined grains. I know in my case if I eat anything with sugar in it, or white flour, or snack foods like corn chips, I cannot eat just one. If I eat one, then I will eat more and more. There is no stopping place. It's not like eating broccoli, where, if I've had enough, I just stop. There's never enough. I might eat until I pop. Usually I finally drag myself away from the food when I feel ill.
I have to say that I am better at this now than I used to be. I am pretty good at staying out of the things that trigger me worst: sugar and white flour. But parties are very dangerous places for me. I do not know what's in the food, and I am tempted to eat things I shouldn't. And it only takes one bite to set me off. When I go to a party or family gathering, I am usually good and sick for 3-4 days or more afterwards. I am healthiest when I just stay home.
Eating is not like drinking or gambling, in this respect: you have to eat to live. BUT, you do not have to eat those things that are triggers for binge eating, usually sugar and refined grains. I know in my case if I eat anything with sugar in it, or white flour, or snack foods like corn chips, I cannot eat just one. If I eat one, then I will eat more and more. There is no stopping place. It's not like eating broccoli, where, if I've had enough, I just stop. There's never enough. I might eat until I pop. Usually I finally drag myself away from the food when I feel ill.
I have to say that I am better at this now than I used to be. I am pretty good at staying out of the things that trigger me worst: sugar and white flour. But parties are very dangerous places for me. I do not know what's in the food, and I am tempted to eat things I shouldn't. And it only takes one bite to set me off. When I go to a party or family gathering, I am usually good and sick for 3-4 days or more afterwards. I am healthiest when I just stay home.
Personal Post, The Third Step
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drugs/food/gambling/other people(etc)—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
I have trouble with all these steps. I have to do them over and over. Today I admit I am powerless over food and addictive behaviors and time management and other people and their issues. I believe that the power of love, that a higher power, could restore me to sanity, even though I hate admitting that my behavior isn't sane.
*eating when I am not hungry is not sane
*eating foods I am allergic to is not sane
*eating foods that make me sick is not sane
*arguing with someone who doesn't listen is not sane
I have to remind myself of this, because I feel sane and lucid, and I feel in control until I look closely at my own behavior.
So, once again, I take steps one and two, and I hereby turn myself, my life, and my will over to a loving higher power--to love, goodness and God. Let me know the will of love and do as Jesus and/or Buddha would do. I hereby take step 3 yet again.
There is a saying or slogan around the 12-step rooms that says: "The first step is the only step anyone can work perfectly." I don't even think I can work the first step perfectly. I have to look really hard to say that I am powerless over food etc and that my life is unmanageable--and it gets even harder after that.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
I have trouble with all these steps. I have to do them over and over. Today I admit I am powerless over food and addictive behaviors and time management and other people and their issues. I believe that the power of love, that a higher power, could restore me to sanity, even though I hate admitting that my behavior isn't sane.
*eating when I am not hungry is not sane
*eating foods I am allergic to is not sane
*eating foods that make me sick is not sane
*arguing with someone who doesn't listen is not sane
I have to remind myself of this, because I feel sane and lucid, and I feel in control until I look closely at my own behavior.
So, once again, I take steps one and two, and I hereby turn myself, my life, and my will over to a loving higher power--to love, goodness and God. Let me know the will of love and do as Jesus and/or Buddha would do. I hereby take step 3 yet again.
There is a saying or slogan around the 12-step rooms that says: "The first step is the only step anyone can work perfectly." I don't even think I can work the first step perfectly. I have to look really hard to say that I am powerless over food etc and that my life is unmanageable--and it gets even harder after that.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Sun and Shadows
Sometimes I need to remind myself that in life there are both sun and shadows. I'm like the Christmas Rose pictured here, bright and cheerful in the sunshine of life, and downcast in the shadows. But it is all a part of the yin and tang of life, the greet wheel of balance.
And it is also part of attitude and I sometimes need an attitude adjustment!
One time, I saw a sunny spot in the gloom, a ray of sun, shining on just one house. The next day, I say a house, a different house, with a dark cloud directly over it. This was in the real phenomenal world, but I think I saw it to remind me that we can create our own sunshine and our own gloom by our attitudes.
An attitude of gratitude is helpful! :-D
Gratitude List
gratitude gratitude gratitude
One of the tools of the twelve-step program is the gratitude list. It is also one of the tools of Sonja's happiness program. Being grateful for what I have reminds me that all is not gloom and doom as I sometimes start thinking when things don't seem to be going well.
One of the tools of the twelve-step program is the gratitude list. It is also one of the tools of Sonja's happiness program. Being grateful for what I have reminds me that all is not gloom and doom as I sometimes start thinking when things don't seem to be going well.
- I am grateful today for my sweet loving husband who made me breakfast this morning, and who held me in his arms and cuddled me. Ah sweet love and cuddles! (And I am grateful for how wonderful he smells! Mmmm!)
- And I am grateful for the yummy breakfast. (And the smell of frying bacon, mmm).
- I am grateful for a rainy day so I don't feel bad having to do inside things. Though I wish it would be nice for those who can only get out on Sundays!) OH! It's snowing now!
- I am grateful for snowy days to remind me how wonderful sunny ones are.
- I am grateful for spring flowers! YAY spring, yay flowers!
- I am grateful for a warm dry house and warm comfortable clothes on a cold snoy day.
- I am grateful for trees and their grace, strength, patience, beauty.
- I am grateful for beauty and the heart to perceive and enjoy it.
- I am grateful for nature and wildness.
- I am grateful for space.
- I am grateful for time to paint, write poetry, work on my novels.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Personal post, Second step
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Well, this is a hard one too, and one that has to be taken over and over.
Like I said before, I like to think I'm in control and sane.
But I'm not, if I was, I would do only good things and never do anything stupid. I would not be fat and I would always be kind and patient.
I believe a higher power could restore me to sanity. That's all I am asked to believe in this step.
And, I ask to be restored sanity, one step at a time, one day at a time. Starting now.
Well, this is a hard one too, and one that has to be taken over and over.
Like I said before, I like to think I'm in control and sane.
But I'm not, if I was, I would do only good things and never do anything stupid. I would not be fat and I would always be kind and patient.
I believe a higher power could restore me to sanity. That's all I am asked to believe in this step.
And, I ask to be restored sanity, one step at a time, one day at a time. Starting now.
Personal Post: First Step
I've been posting resources. A good place for resources is ADDICTIONZ, though there are many others and I may post about them later.
Now for my first personal post, I have what my doctor refers to as an addictive allergy to foods--I have a lot of food allergies and tend to be addicted to the very foods that make me sick. It's a physiological problem with psychological manifestations. That is, it's not my "fault" any more than other diseases, it's genetic. But then again, even though I was born with my genes, who am I if not at least my parts my genes. Well, that's another philosophical argument.
I also have an addictive personality in that I have a tendency to get addicted to whatever, alcohol, drugs, sex, behaviors, anything. I don't know if I can blame this on my genes or not, it's who I am or seem to be. Perhaps it's partly the Vishanas, or "Habit Energies." But in any case, it's created lifelong problems for me.
In OA and Al-anon, I have take the first step, and I hereby take it again.
I admit I am powerless over food, alcohol, drugs and other people, and that my life has become unmanageable.
Overeating, wrong eating, personality problems and other issues have been having very negative affects on my life which include obesity and health problems and interpersonal issues. I hereby admit my powerlessness and the unmanagability of my life.
Control is a big issue in my life. I want to control everything. To admit I am powerless over food is hard to do, but it is obvious as I try to diet/be abstinent and fail over and over. For years. I hate the idea of powerlessness, but it is clear when I am honest that I really am powerless over food, and I am surely powerless over other people.
I want to manage my life well, but I continue to fail at that as well.
Now for my first personal post, I have what my doctor refers to as an addictive allergy to foods--I have a lot of food allergies and tend to be addicted to the very foods that make me sick. It's a physiological problem with psychological manifestations. That is, it's not my "fault" any more than other diseases, it's genetic. But then again, even though I was born with my genes, who am I if not at least my parts my genes. Well, that's another philosophical argument.
I also have an addictive personality in that I have a tendency to get addicted to whatever, alcohol, drugs, sex, behaviors, anything. I don't know if I can blame this on my genes or not, it's who I am or seem to be. Perhaps it's partly the Vishanas, or "Habit Energies." But in any case, it's created lifelong problems for me.
In OA and Al-anon, I have take the first step, and I hereby take it again.
I admit I am powerless over food, alcohol, drugs and other people, and that my life has become unmanageable.
Overeating, wrong eating, personality problems and other issues have been having very negative affects on my life which include obesity and health problems and interpersonal issues. I hereby admit my powerlessness and the unmanagability of my life.
Control is a big issue in my life. I want to control everything. To admit I am powerless over food is hard to do, but it is obvious as I try to diet/be abstinent and fail over and over. For years. I hate the idea of powerlessness, but it is clear when I am honest that I really am powerless over food, and I am surely powerless over other people.
I want to manage my life well, but I continue to fail at that as well.
Staying Abstinent
If you want to drink-----that is your business, if you want to quit-------that is our business
Don't compare---identify, don't intellectualize----utilize
Stay away from the First Drink, Drug, Bet, bite (apply your specific addiction here)
Try not place conditions on your sobriety/abstinence
Bring the body and the mind will follow
We all have another drunk/binge left in us but we don't know if we have another recovery in us
Be as enthusiastic about recovery as you were about your addiction
Reality Checks
Reality Checks
- Where ever you go .......there you are
- You are not alone
- Stay sober/clean/abstinent for yourself
- Look for similarities rather than differences
- Remember your last drunk, use, bet etc
- Addiction is incurable, progressive, and fatal
- It takes time to get better
- Depression is anger turned inward
- Control is limited to my own behavior, my own attitudes
- The flip side to forgiveness is resentments
- The elevator is broken-------use the 'steps'
- It isn't the load that weighs us down------it's the way we carry it
- If I think, I won't drink. If I drink, I can't think
- Sick and tired of being sick and tired
- This is a selfish program
- I drank, ate, gambled, etc: too much---too often---too long
- Minds are like parachutes----they won't work unless they're open
- When your head begins to swell your mind stops growing
- A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step
- When a person tries to control their addiction they have already lost control
Alcoholics Anonymous Slogans
AA formally uses these Simple Slogans to assist members to recover during difficult periods.
- Easy Does It
- First Things First
- Live and let Live
- Think......Think.......Think
- One Day At a Time
- But for the Grace of God
- Principles before Personalities
Al-Anon Family Groups Slogans
Al-Anon formally uses the above AA Slogans as well as these slogans to assist members to recover during difficult periods.
- Let go and let God
- This too shall pass
- Let it begin with me
- Just for today
- Courage to change
Overeaters Anonymous Slogans
- Put down the fork
- Nothing tastes as good as abstinence
- Abstinence is the most important thing in my life
Gamblers Anonymous Slogans
- Stay away from the first bet
- One day at a Time
- Don't gamble for Today
- Get to Meetings
- Turn it Over
Twelve Steps
1. We admitted we were powerless over (alcohol, food, drugs, gambling, other people)—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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