Turning Things Over To A Higher Power

I've been trying to work on the third step. After falling apart emotionally when I failed again to get my taxes done, I decided that I'm not able to do this on my own. I need help from a higher Power to restore my sanity. I'm really having a difficult time with turning my life over to someone else, though. It's so hard to believe that there is a god that will direct my life in a way that will bring me happiness and peace of mind. I have this fear of being led down some difficult path of self denial with barely enough support to keep me from sinking into despair. Why do I view God this way? I know that's not what the Bible teaches. I've come to the conclusion that it's because that is all I've ever known.

All my life, I have pushed my feelings of hurt and anger down, because I understand why my family does the things they do to me, and I want to be bigger than the hurt and anger, so I can love and forgive them. I also understand that they don't understand me, don't seem capable of understanding me, and would never intentionally try to hurt me. But, they do hurt me, and pushing those feelings down has become like pushing a spring down. The more anger and hurt that I have to push down, the greater the tension on the spring.

Back in 2005, that spring broke. Feelings of anger and hurt went everywhere. They went into my joints, my kidneys, and my immune system forcing it to attack my own cells. It was about four years after my husband died. I was working two jobs, and taking care of my mother who had Alzheimer's. It was too much for me, so I went to my family for help. I remember telling my dad I couldn't do it anymore, I needed help. He thought I was over reacting. How hard can it be to give her medicine, and make an occasional call to a case worker?

Well, it was a lot more involved than that. I had to straighten out her finances [because she had gotten so confused about them before I took over], refinance her house, pay her bills, take her to doctors, get her groceries, and fight with Medicaid to get her in-home care. This was the easy part. The hard part was the phone calls at work when she was scared, angry, or confused, when she was messing with the hot water heater in the garage, and when she was bored and didn't want to wait for the aid to go for a walk. There was nothing I could do. My dad's suggestion was to give up my house, and move in with her, I guess so I wouldn't have to work two jobs. It didn't matter that I would have to give up everything that was my own. I was supposed to trust the family to take care of me. I didn't have a high paying career, or a wife and kid, so I was the most logical one to sacrifice among the siblings. "Just hang in there. You can do it. Your family will be there for you", he said.

I got help when it was convenient for them, but not enough to keep me from sinking into despair. One day I came home from work, and found my mother sitting in the dark, scared and confused. I had forgotten to pay the electric bill. I took her back to my house, and prepared the hide-a-bed downstairs for her, since she was unable to climb stairs because of her knees. I then went upstairs, and tied a plastic bag over my head. I had been so caught up in my own misery, that I had failed her. I knew no other way to get help. I figured that if I were dead, my family would be forced to get her proper care. The reason why I didn't die that night was because my roommate knocked on the door to tell me that my mother was trying to climb the stairs, and I was afraid of her falling. I pushed down my feelings one more time, so that I could keep her safe. I never got any answers, help, or relief. I just "hung in there". Not long after that, I started having pain in my joints, fatigue, and other health problems. I believe this is when my spring broke. Now, every little stress in life makes me ill.

In July of '05, I had to quit one of my jobs. I wasn't physically capable of holding two jobs anymore, and the new case worker discontinued my mother's in home care, so there would be no more visits from the aid for a couple of hours each day. My mother's cognitive abilities dramatically worsened after that, to the point where I felt it was no longer safe to leave her alone. I had to put her in a nursing home. I had no help in making this decision, or in finding a nursing home. There was no one who had spent enough time with her, to be of any help. It was just the two of us, the day she went in. The look on her face made every inch of my body ache. I felt like I had let her down. She was nowhere near as bad as the other people in this place. It took every ounce of energy to keep from crying, stuff the pain down, and be strong for her. I felt so alone.

In the spring of '06, I had to sell my mother's house. My dad hired lawyers to help, with the idea that he would get paid back upon it's sale. I spent months organizing paper work, meetings, and phone calls with banks, lawyers, mortgage companies, and title companies, so that my dad could get $25,000 from the sale for helping my mother out financially over the years, and my sister could get a house for a ridiculously cheap price. Then there were all the hoops to jump through for the nursing home and Medicaid. All I got was sicker. In the midst of all of this, I managed to get my mother's taxes done, but not my own. Again, I told my dad that this was too much for me, and he said, "don't worry, it'll all be over with soon."

Well, when that was over with, Social Security stopped sending my mother's checks, and her medical insurance discontinued her, because in spite of repeated attempts to get the address changed, they kept sending the bills to the wrong address. The nursing home was talking about eviction, and I was overwhelmed. My family thought I was over reacting, but by the end of '06, they finally started to see that my health was being affected, and that it wasn't just depression anymore [as if depression wasn't bad enough].

Early in '07, my sister arranged with her job to move back here and help me. She helped me with the medical insurance, and Social Security figured out their mistake, but again, I didn't get my taxes done, and this time I didn't get my mother's done either. By June of '07, my dad, because he was worried about my health, offered to pay for therapy, and to help me out financially with a set limit and the idea that I'd eventually pay him back.

By the end of '07, I decided to trust my family to be there for me. Because of problems with the people I was working for, and my uncle's illness, I decided to move out of my house and into my sister's. At the time, it felt like I was making the right decision. I spent January helping to take care of my uncle, and the last three months focusing on my therapy. I'm about to reach the limit that was set for me financially, so I don't have much time. I need to make the most of it, and these three months have been very helpful. It's not been enough, though. To make matters worse, last week after yoga, my sister wanted an accounting from me of what I've been doing for the last three months, because she feels like she's enabling me to be lazy and depressed. This is nothing new. I've always been treated like I'm weak and given to self pity. I can't ask for help without being judged, and they wonder why I don't ask. I feel, if she was sincerely interested in what I've been learning, she would have made an extra effort to spend time with me to hear about it. I usually hear from her when she needs someone to talk to.

I don't believe that I deserved to be treated like that, and told her so. She apologized, but she still doesn't understand, and probably isn't able to. I'm very uncomfortable with her help. Right now, I'm not strong enough to ignore her judgemental platitudes. I need to find another place to live, but don't make enough to support myself. There's a possibility that I could lose my home to the IRS, since I'm not living in it anymore, and I'm in debt up to my ears to my father with no possibilities of being able to pay him back. I think that I may have been wrong to rely on my family for help. I think it's unreasonable to expect me to be over what I've been through for the last seven years in just nine months of therapy. I don't know how I'm going to survive or make a better future for myself. I feel guilty for getting myself into this situation, and ineffectual for getting myself out. I need help.

The Wings Challenges that I've been working on are supposed to help me find a way within myself to make my hopes for the future a reality. I've been stuck on the fifth challenge which is to change something I'm uncomfortable with, like my inability to file my tax returns. So, I decided to pick another from my list, "my lack of spirituality", which goes along with working the third step. I'm supposed to list the actions I need to take to bring about this change. I listed pray and read the Bible. Next, I'm supposed to list my fears associated with these actions. Here's where I really had to think. What's stopping me from reading the Bible? I think I'm afraid of finding a bunch of judgemental platitudes exposing my weaknesses and how I fall short. Intellectually, I know that's not what the Bible is all about, and that God does not expect perfection. Why am I afraid to pray? I think it's because I feel hypocritical. I don't think I can be what I think He expects me to be, and so my heart is not in it. Again, intellectually I know that He's not like my family. He understands my limitations and knows my heart, so He would not be unreasonable in His expectations of me, yet I struggle with believing it. Finally, I'm supposed to write a positive scenario associated with these actions. I wrote that I would come to believe what I know about God, that He would help me to have the right heart, and that I would find the scriptures I would need to encourage me. My plan is to randomly open the Bible each morning, and read the first scripture my eyes were drawn to. Then each evening, write in my journal something positive associated with that scripture.

I started last Monday. Every day, the scriptures have been about "keep searching", rely on God, and be patient. Thursday, when I felt like I couldn't make it through the day, it was about how He gives us energy. Saturday's gave me the chills, and inspired me to write this post. "He that is walking with wise ones will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly." Prov. 13:20. What is He trying to tell me? When I went back to it, the Bible was open to Prov. 3:5 "... do not lean upon your own understanding." I feel like I need to get away from my family. Am I leaning on my own understanding? This third step is very complicated. In order to turn our lives over to Him, we have to come to understand Him.